September 18

The lantana and petunia on the back deck still have beautiful blossoms. The geranium on the railing has full leaves at the end of its leggy stems ... reminds me of a poodle with her furry lower legs, shaved upper legs, and furry body. 

It's a quiet morning. I heard the cardinal chip before it got light, but I haven't heard a bird since. The sun hasn't put in an appearance. There's some lightness to the upper tree canopy, but closer to the house, the greens are dark. It's still very green until the brook where the rocks are a grayish brown with last year’s dead leaves stuck in crevices.

I did a morning yard walkabout and took some photos of a few flowers still blooming. It’s chilly. My hands are cold. I put up bird feeders and the nuthatches and gold finches have been back and forth.

Regarding work on the book: The pages I printed out yesterday have to do with if I am sending the manuscript to an editor, which isn't the same as having the book print ready. Another decision to make. Do I want to have an editor go over it? Is the real question, "Do I want to PAY someone to edit it?"

It's hard to trust someone you don't know with your baby. However, even though I’m an editor, it’s not always good to edit your own work. It’s easy to miss errors. No matter how many times I re-read my pages, I always find something to change or tighten up.

Then going back to Eric Rhoads,' "Do I want to just be good enough or better than good enough?" Whether I print a few copies even if it's just for me, don't I deserve to be better than just good enough? And, shouldn't we always strive to do quality work?

There's a part of me that feels I've slipped in that aspect lately. I have to say, I've not been giving my projects 100%. Sometimes I'm telling myself why should I care so much when no one else cares about me and what I do. I know, that's not entirely true, but I feel that way sometimes.

I can't allow myself to think this way. It doesn't matter if anyone else cares. I have to care! This is my life and if I want to be happy, I have to care about what I do, and my work needs to be quality work. I don't want to settle for second best/less than. It doesn't matter if I live alone. It doesn't matter if I'm not rich. It doesn't matter that I'm not popular or physically beautiful or have tons of family and friends visiting. 

I matter! What I do matters to me, and I want to surround myself with quality and goodness and beauty and color!

And if I have to give myself a pep talk by telling someone else what I want -- well, whatever works.

Back to the book(s) ... Sometimes I need set guidelines and while there are rules to writing, in this day of self-publishing and all, there can be too many options. Do I do this, or do I do it that way? I get stuck in deciding. And right now, this hemming and hawing scares me and prevents me from moving forward and accomplishing the current books. How can I do new books if I don’t get the ones in process finished? 

I need to resolve this indecisiveness so I can live a more wholehearted life.