Decision-making

The morning started out dark and a little rainy, but by 10 a.m., the sun was breaking through. I went out for a daily walkabout the yard, deadheading spent blossoms, taking photos, and getting distracted doing a garden project. Sunlight reached through the trees to create a beautiful, brilliant spotlight on an otherwise shadow-dark brook.

It was muggy. I was hot after pruning the weigela which was crowding the steps and walkway. A luscious, warm breeze rustled through leaves and felt so good. I was tempted to sit on a bench and just enjoy the moment, but writing was calling me. When a topic is banging around in my head, I have to write and talk about it to let it go.

It's funny how things we feel we've put behind us come back. Burying something isn't the same as letting it go, and we have to let things go before we evolve into the next step of life.

I struggle with making decisions, so much so, I’m often teased about it. I swear I'm getting worse. Do I want the blue pill or the red pill? I can't make up my mind so don’t take either. Oh, oh, here I go -- saying something and the light flashes on.

Maybe this is a past issue that's worked its way back to the surface. In my younger years it seemed all my decisions were the wrong ones. Well, not all, but I always felt my choices were not wise, and even now, part of me believes it while part of me doesn't, and yet, I continue to hem and haw over the smallest things.

I hear Angeles Arriens’ voice in my head telling a story saying, "What if I make the wrong choice?" I have felt that way so often in life. Even decisions made since moving to this house, if I had to do over, I would choose differently.

For instance, one of the latest issues is choosing a new color for the front porch and back deck (both need painting). I want something a little different, still purple, but a lighter shade. I’ve spent weeks trying to decide with trips to the local hardware store to get samples. So far, I’ve tried four new shades, plus there are the leftover paint colors from when everything was painted two-three years ago (done over two summers and I never did totally finish the project). Is it too blue? Is this one too red? Then it looks different in the shade than it does in the sun. I can easily drive myself crazy with indecision.

And, is this indecisiveness an issue I really need to worry about? After all, it’s OK to change my mind. Were those past decisions really wrong? Maybe they were the right choices at the time. I can’t live with regret. So, how can I change my thinking? How can I make a decision without spending hours or days agonizing over the choices?

The bottom line, for the most part, is … it doesn’t really matter. Do I want the red purple or the blue purple? It doesn’t matter. Both are pretty. Do I want to go to the store at 9 a.m. or 11 a.m.? It doesn’t matter unless I want to get takeout for lunch.

So, what is causing me to overthink things these days? It’s one thing to think things over to consider possibilities and it’s another thing to cripple myself in worrying. I’m not helping myself and just twist myself in knots. There’s no reason to get in this stuck mode. Even if I did make poor choices in the past, that was past and has no relevance on today.

I am reminded of the couple of times I did a fire walk. When the time came to walk barefoot over the red, hot coals, the leader would say, “Take a yes in one hand and a no in the other hand. Whichever hand feels strongest, go with it.” In that instant, the yes was the strongest both times and I walked the coals – more than once!

I could adapt that analogy to make decisions now. Also, there’s the “Just Do It!” command to the self, or I could write down the choices and use a pendulum to help me choose.

Whatever the case, I want to stop wasting time hemming and hawing. I’m even working on repeating an affirmation to myself: “I AM Decisive! I make good choices easily. I feel great and I AM Happy!”