579.
Dear Divine Presence, Thank you for allowing me to be me: kind, compassionate, courteous,
creative, friendly, etc. Thank you for helping me be wholehearted. Thank you
for letting me stand strong in my beliefs and know I have your support. Love
and Success, Sasha.
A line that I’ve thought and have had said to me many times when
others have looked at my paintings. But to me, it’s not about doing “that.” It’s
about doing it my way, in my style. I want to create beautiful paintings and
recreate nature’s beauty. I don’t want to work exactly like other artists. I
follow my own path, figure out my way of doing the art.
But this is one of the reasons I love painting. I don’t have to do it like everyone else. That’s what it is to be creative and being creative is also a journey into the self. Sometimes it’s about digging deep to get the aspects I want. I’m not always successful at the endeavor, but those “failures” often teach me something.
Part of this, too, is why I paint and write. It’s a journey into the self. It’s not always out walking a physical road but traveling inside. It’s a collaborative between an outside visual and the inner workings of the self to recreate the scene or tell a story. I often find detours and where the painting ends, might not have been what I’d envisioned when I started.
I always say, “Creating beauty for myself, creates beauty for others.” So, not matter how the painting turns out, there is always something beautiful about it.
As for, “I could never do that,” there are often scenes I
feel I couldn’t do. It’s a choice, a decision on what challenges am I willing
to work through. Sometimes, I’m not willing to take on that type of scene, but I
also know, that on another given day, I just might choose to take on that scene.
578. Dear Divine Presence, Thank you for calling me back. I got waylaid by all the crap going on this country and the world over the last couple of years. I have to stop letting the negativity drag me down. It took a message from a friend to remind me of who I really am on the inside. It’s time to once more concentrate on living a whole-hearted creative life. Love and Success, Sasha.
I got caught up with all the crap going on outside myself and began to lose who I really am. I hid in fear of other people, their negativity, the violence and refused to become a sheep. Yesterday, I was reminded of the person I am and how the effects of kind words and understanding of others can make a difference in someone's life.
A Trip to the Coast Put Off
This was the day I’d originally planned to go to the Seacoast – Salisbury, Mass., to “visit” my mum, the area where she grew up and where she came to me after she passed, asking me to “take her home.”
I go to the Salisbury Beach Reservation once a year. It’s one more way to stay connected to her. The place is a camping area now and I like to go before the season opens and it gets crowded. It’s beautiful and I wander the area between Black Rocks Creek, the Merrimac River, and the Atlantic, enjoying the views and remembering the stories she told of her childhood.
This year, though, I’ve decided not to go due to the gas prices. But I got up this morning thinking how I’m a heavy woman like my gramma was heavy… she was a lot taller than I, though. Do I have her genes?
I don’t have many stories of her. I have a couple old photos … one of me at 2 or 3 years old sitting on her lap in bed before she passed. I talk about my mum a lot, but she never talked about hers… not the emotional side, not the missing her mother part.
Gram died not long after that photo was taken and five days after my brother was born. How did this affect my mum? She lost her mother and had a new baby and a toddler to care for at the same time. She was only in her mid-20s. That must’ve been horribly traumatic for her. Goodness, I know how wrecked I was (and still am) when my mum passed, and she was in her 80s and I in my late 50s.
People didn’t really talk about emotional issues in the past. Even a lot of veterans returning from the war wouldn’t talk much about what happened. Maybe it was because the attitude was to not talk about it. Maybe back then there was more of an attitude of “getting over it” and “moving on.” There was almost an aura of shame if you talked about such things.
Today, we’re more apt to talk about feelings. I believe it’s important. It’s not to feel sorry for ourselves, but it’s about freedom to speak and tell our stories. And there’s a difference between a “woe is me” and “feel sorry for me” demeanor. It’s speaking to tell our stories. What happens to us helps makes us who we are.
I also believe that in telling our stories, we may also help one another. It makes us feel so not alone when we hear of others who have dealt with similar situations.
I wish I knew more of my family’s stories. I wish I knew who
they really were and not just names on old photos or on a family tree. (And
there are old photos with no names on them – and I don’t know if they were
relatives or not.)
I waste a lot of time trying to find some history on my mother’s side of the family.
I am sad.
For most my life, I’ve been accused of being too sensitive.
My feelings are hurt easily. Some of what people have said to me, I would NEVER
say to them or anyone. So, I always try to be aware of what I say and how I say
it because I wouldn’t want to hurt others like I’ve been hurt.
(Of course, these days with automated messaging, scam phone calls, begging letters and emails, and being asked to participate in a survey for almost every transaction I do, my self-rule flies out the window, and I totally sound-off at these people and/or machines.)
But when dealing with people themselves, I always intend to be kind and accepting. That doesn’t mean I have to believe what they do, but I allow them to have their own opinions. However, I don’t feel that’s always reciprocated.
I realized this morning that sometimes, supposedly well-meaning people, say something about me that feels more like an insinuated insult. I say “insinuated” because it isn’t an out and out insult, but it is a put-down. If I say something about what they said, they just call it a joke.
I wonder their intent. Do they really think they’re being funny when they put someone else down? Does it make them feel better about themselves? Is it an attempt to make you see things their way or as a way to make you behave differently?
Well, who’s the joke on? I’m not laughing when I feel slighted and hurt. Throughout my entire childhood and early adulthood, I put up with being made fun of. I often tried to go along with whatever everyone else was preaching while all the while I was pushing down/hiding who I really was... and being miserable about it. I didn’t know how to let myself be me because I was always trying to go along with whomever I was hanging around with at the time.
Now that I am much older and I’ve seen what goes on in the world and within mankind, I am no longer willing to put up with those slights, name-calling, and fault-finding of my character or beliefs. I’ve developed a strong sense of who I am, and what I now believe isn’t what someone else is parroting and trying to convince me is the true way. (Hey, think what you will, but I am no longer willing to listen others put me down!)
Of course, this has narrowed my contacts with others and so be it. It’s not in me to confront them. They have the right to believe what they wish. It’s not my job to try to “correct” someone of what they think. I’ve become more stubborn in my beliefs, and I’m pleased with how I have grown. I’m not going to go back to being a sheep and meekly following others! If there is mutual respect of conversations on subjects, then I’m fine with discussing points of view, but if someone is trying to make me feel I am wrong, then they can keep their comments to themselves.
There’s a difference between healthy debates/conversations and putting someone down because they have a different set of beliefs.
My response to negative comments is to not respond. I don’t need to defend myself against what others say or think of me. I am who I am, and I’m standing firm in my beliefs. This allows me to move on with my life. And yes, if it comes to something I need to change, then I will… but on my terms and for my wellbeing.
