From Where I Was to Where I Am

I was journaling this morning looking back over my life.  I wondered why I so easily slide down rabbit holes with my thoughts even though I know many tools to not do so. For most of my life, I wallowed more in the downside. This way, when good things did happen, they were surprisingly special moments.

These days I fight not to go that route. I don’t want to dwell on the negativity and have depressing daydreams. (If I don’t hold a tight rein on my thoughts, they easily turn to bad things happening.) Yet, I continue to try to practice positive thinking and creative visualization. But it IS a constant battle, especially these days with the country falling apart, fearmongering news, and so much horror happening.

Why do my thoughts always turn downward? Was it because, for most my life, it seemed things would definitely go wrong if I tried to think good thoughts? Therefore, if I thought badly, then good things were more noticeable. Is it because every time I get on a positive role, bad things happen?

I know, sounds stupid when I look at this, but this was exactly how I was, and I’m still fighting this today. Today, even though I am more sure and happy (for the most part) with who I am, I still fight the demons.

But why have I been this way?

If I look back on my life, I see a life well-lived. I did OK. Not perfect. I made lots of mistakes, needed help, struggled, failed and got up again. But that’s looking back from this distance of many, many years. When I lived those younger years, I was not a happy person. I was horribly unhappy. I was made fun of all through school.

I seldom got along well with others – because I didn’t want to do what most others were doing. Even as an adult and having kids, there was always something inside me rebelling against the norm. I wasn’t a typical wife, mother. Oh, I tried, but I just couldn’t, and it made for a miserable life. I always thought there was something horribly wrong with me because I didn’t want what others wanted… not that I knew what I wanted at the time…

I did the best I could, of course, and as I grew older, I studied all kinds of philosophies, some religions, took many self-help courses, read tons of self-help books and listened to audio recordings.

Did I find answers? Of course, every course I took, I thought that was the answer, but as time progressed, I realized it all was just following someone else’s beliefs and dictates. It was all herds of sheep following the leader of whatever was popular with new groups/cults starting up all the time.

There have been a couple times when I got up in someone’s charisma while attending a seminar or class. Sometimes the pull to join was so strong, but again, something within me fought it. (And because of those couple of times, I recognize the red flags now whenever some guru, leader, dictator, etc. pours on the charm and suckers people in. And this is proven throughout history!!!)

What I understand now about myself is that it was because I wasn’t a sheep. I wasn’t a follower. I’m not a leader, either. I am the odd duck, lone wolfe (pun intended). It seemed strange to me that we were taught to think for ourselves but later, when we did, I found we were being manipulated and herded – through advertisement, false promises of a better world/life, being saved by whomever, etc. – as whatever powers that be in the moment became incredibly wealthy off their followers.

One word that jumps out in my mind often these days is “Logical.” What happened to logic? If it’s not logical, if it doesn’t make sense, my hackles raise. My entire being silently screams, “NO Way!”

I continue to be a loner. I pull back more all the time, spend more time alone. I continue to get depressed over the state of the country. I never thought this country would succumb to this. But it makes me more sure that the path I choose is the right one… for me, anyway.

BOOOM Boom… boom

Booom … boom… boom

Just getting into bed

and my heart

feels like it’s being ripped

from my chest

I pull the covers over my ear
snuggle deeper in bed
Take deep breaths
I tell myself
stay calm
 
Booom! Boom… boom
One long, louder one
followed by two gradually reduced
Again, heart pounds
shivers run through me
 
I get up and look out the window
see flashes in the sky
down the street,
maybe the next street over
I get back under the covers
 
I want to cry
I continue to tell myself
to relax, breathe deep
try not to worry
I start to calm down
 
BOOM! Boom… boom!
Shock waves reverberate
through my whole body
I physically feel it
shaking my entire being
 
I want to cry
I can’t help it
I feel sick
I pray for it to stop
I just want to go to sleep
 
I don’t want to
fault other’s enjoyment
but I feel sad
it can be so horribly disturbing
to others
 
Thankfully,
it didn’t last long
but it took a long time
before I was able
to fall asleep

Self-Doubt Struggle

This bit of writing this morning stemmed from my telling myself I didn’t care about prize money being awarded. I just want to sell my paintings. But wait a minute! Why don’t I care about winning prize money? Is it because I don’t feel good enough to win a prize? That in competition with other artists, they will always be better than I or because they might be more well-known?

I love my paintings! I’m proud of what I accomplish. I want other people to love them, too. (I suppose others do like them as I had two stolen from an exhibit this year.) I truly believe my paintings deserve to go to new homes… and I keep telling myself I deserve to get paid for them!

Every painting holds a story – of the scene itself and my journey in recreating the beautiful landscape. I love that journey, which can be an emotional rollercoaster with the work going well and times when nothing seems to work in the moment. Most of the time, it comes together in the end, though there are some I don’t deem good enough to mat and frame.

So, what is my hesitation in submitting and participating in shows? Why is that such a struggle for me?

I’m not good at marketing. I admit that. I’ve tried to change how I think about marketing, and I know artists don’t force sell like other businesses which I see so much of it as shoving products down people’s throats (and lying to sell items). I just can’t do that. I can’t try to convince someone my painting would look wonderful in their home… Does this make me a wimp and my paintings won’t sell on their own beauty?

Am I afraid other artists and show jurors don’t see my work as good enough because I don’t take workshops, I’ve not gone to art school, and can’t say I studied with this master or that teacher? Is it because my name isn’t connected to many groups and places? Is it because I don’t list a bunch of alphabet soup letters after my name, so I’m not important or good enough?

It’s not like I’ve never taken any art classes because I have in the past. I just don’t anymore. These days, I do my own thing, make my own path, and I enjoy being this way. I figure things out for myself and will read articles on art, Pastel Journal editions, and more to pick up bits of information. I take feedback and suggestions and decide for myself what’s right for me. In the end, it’s important to me to follow my heart. I can’t do it any other way! My quest for living a creative, whole-hearted life means I do it my way.

Is it just me?

I feel I’m pulling in further. I’m starting to get aggravated with some TV shows I’ve been watching for a long time. It’s the same with some commercials and even remakes of songs I usually like, too.

I’m totally turned off by excessive hype. I feel I’m being yelled at. Guy Fieri and Ty Pennington (TV) are two names that come to mind. I like the shows they host, and I like them, but the raised, excited voices are horribly annoying. Do they talk this way normally?

Another show I enjoy is “Expedition Unknown” because I love history and I’m treated to events and things which are new to me. A couple of times, I’ve even looked for more information the next day and found these events now televised aren’t new discoveries, and the host, Josh Gates, really isn’t the one making the discovery. Still, I appreciate the show for its historical aspects, and I am intrigued by how much I am learning about the world. (Wish history in school had been this interesting.)

However, Gates, is another one of those who goes way over the top in his enthusiasm. It’s one thing to be excited about discovery, but loud, raised, overly pumped-up voices make me lose interest. It tires me out listening to it.

Then there are the remake or live versions of songs. Jimmy Buffet’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise” is one that comes to mind. This newer version emphasizes many words, so when he sings “CHEESE burger …” (making it sound like two words) … “in PARA dise …” it reminds me of an annoying barking dog. There are other similar songs where the new versions have that barking-like emphasis, but I can’t think of them at the moment. It saddens me to hear songs I once enjoyed turned into barking to emphasize certain words.

Commercials are the worst with the raised, excited voices trying to entice you to buy whatever so-called spectacular product they’re selling. That excessive hype makes me want to run the other way and never purchase any of those products or services. (Of course, I grew up in a time where commercials had fun, catchy jingles which made you want to sing along. Now, I try to avoid commercials at all costs.)

I don’t want to be barked at or yelled at. That over enthusiasm is a big turn off for me. Is it a sign of my getting old? Maybe they feel they get more attention by shouting. Gosh, they must be exhausted if they talk like that all day. I wonder if all these people have high blood pressure. That loud yelling sucks the energy out of me if I have to listen to it.

Wanting this Country to be the Best, but...

I was thinking how the U.S. is no longer any better than any other country, and I am wondering, especially after all the history I’ve been reading about and watching documentaries on TV, if it’s always been this way and I’ve just always bought into what I’ve been told my whole life.

This morning came the thought: But isn’t that what ALL leaders/dictators of every country and kingdom in the world has done? ALL leaders and dictators work at convincing their populations that they are out to take care of “their” people, that everything they do (including horrors) is for their country and people. This has been going on since mankind became.

Leaders use people’s basic emotional wants and needs to pump up the enthusiasm for whatever is on their agenda. They are willing to promise anything that will get support from the masses, and the people believe the false promises because the words fill their emotional desires for a good life. They jump on the hyped-up bandwagon and follow along like good little sheep. By the time the real truth comes out, millions have been killed and/or irreparable damages have been done. And the wealthy get richer.

Like others around the world, I grew up being told that MY country was the best – and I believed it – and I want to believe it. I want this country to be the best. I want to see people kind to one another, help one another.

However, now being much older and having seen much, I am not seeing this country being much better than others. I see empty promises being made with the certain hierarchy becoming more wealthy and powerful. I see big corporations making huge profits while the everyday people suffer and get less and less. I see history repeating.

And what’s the best way to further advance that wealth and power? Propaganda, fearmongering, and promises to save. Pump up enthusiasm and fear to get people on your side. Convince them that others are bad, especially anyone who speaks against what is being pushed.

Words such as integrity, honesty, courtesy have been turned into transparency, diversity, and being politically correct. Words, which, whenever I hear or see them, makes me wonder about hidden agendas. (I see different skin colors between people as beautiful. It's not about color but about being a good, kind-hearted person.)

Has this country been perfect? No, but there were well-meaning ideals set forth in the Constitution and Bill of Rights. The words on paper were, and are, for the good, but sometimes those seemingly good and meaningful words can be, and have been, interpreted differently and manipulated to fit a particular agenda... even by the forefathers who wrote and signed…

Religions fit in this, too, because religious leaders operate the same way making promises to get the people-sheep to follow…)

But as long as we’re all free-thinking human beings, will this ever change? People are people. There will always be those who take advantage, those who follow, and those who buck the systems.

So, to live wholeheartedly, to be the best the best I can be, I continue to be kind, courteous, understanding. I try to live up to my values and keep an open mind while also being wary. 

Who are We Really

It’s interesting to once more realize how little I know about those I care for, the family I grew up with, friends, etc. Does anyone really know who we are on the inside? How much of us do we allow to be seen? What secrets do we hold inside?

I’m working on putting together stories about my family, the ones who came before me. I vaguely remember stories, either witnessed or told to me by someone else, but to really know who those people were, how they were… I can’t even guess. I’m sad to think there’s so little I know, and for me, what’s worse in a way, is I don’t want to just know the story, I want to know how they personally felt. I want to know how events affected them as individuals. I want to understand WHO they were as individuals!

And stories told have the storyteller’s versions, their side, and in not knowing other sides, we develop our own truths over situations. How you saw something might not be how I saw it. I want to know those other sides. Stories passed down may have looked different to the person being talked about.

I remember my mother and aunt (twins) telling stories of their past. Their memories of a same event often differed, and they’d argue a bit over what really happened. Yeah, time muddies the waters. Even my brother and I, when we talk about our childhood, have totally different views of our experiences.

As close as I was to my mother, there was much she hid from me. It makes me wonder about the “faces” we put on while around others. How parents and family members act around children as compared to how they interact with one another and their friends. How do siblings act with one other? How do children act with their peers, then with their families? And how do we/have we all changed as we’ve gotten older?

These days, as much as I stay true to myself, I’m very aware I act differently depending on who I’m around. I have to be aware of what topics can be discussed. There are times when I’m open and friendly and times when I pull in and cower behind a self-imposed shield when I feel emotionally unsafe.

Yet, I have this desire to know who people are on the inside. What makes them tick? What are their real feelings? What are their fears? WHO are they behind the face they show publicly? I even have this same curiosity over people I may not care for and/or disagree with.

Is there something in us as kids when we don’t really care to know about family history? Was there a part of me that blocked out some of Mum’s stories? I remember stories in little tidbits, short blurbs mentioned here and there. Nothing complete.

I want to honor my family’s stories, acknowledge who they were. I believe everyone lived interesting lives. All have a story to tell. How sad for those who never got to have their stories told. How sad when people are forgotten.