Lacking a sense of belonging

People often talk about a sense of belonging. What a sense of belonging means for me is: Home, memories, love of family, comfort, childhood friends, the explorations along woodland paths and through fields, easier and less stressful times, etc.

(Photo caption: George and Marge Brewster( my parents.)

I’m sure my parents had a lot of stress trying to provide, but they never complained about it to me and my brother. Dad had a big garden (or two) every year. Late summer evenings after pickings, the family would sit shelling peas, snapping beans, shucking corn and more, which would be frozen for winter use. Dad also hunted and we all fished and went clamming to further supplement the freezer.

I was happier when we lived at the first house (the first house I remember, which is gone now). We moved to a new house that my dad built a little farther up the street when I started junior high school. The couple of friends I had were never in the same classes as I. For some reason, I couldn’t seem to get along with kids from the more affluent communities. 

I was the country hick, came from the wrong side of town – although there wasn’t really a wrong side of town. We lived on a beautiful, tree-lined street. There weren’t any rundown houses. Everyone had nice yards, et al.

I grieved over what I did wrong. Why didn’t anyone like me? Was I such a horrible person? (I always blamed myself and as I grew into a teenager and young adult, I grew to hate myself.)

I could never figure out why I couldn’t get along with others. I was ridiculed throughout my entire school life. No one wanted to play with me. Some would throw things at me on the bus. I was laughed at. Even my brother made fun of me. (Years later when we became friends, he said it was because Dad always teased him.)

When I was 30 years old, I officially changed my name to try to escape the old me who was never liked.

I realize I’ve not had that sense of belonging in my adult life others talk about. Yes, the various places I’ve lived throughout the years were called home, but none had that deep-seated sense of belonging. They were just places where I lived. I feel like the end of a rope flopping in the breeze with no ties. (Which I know isn’t really true.)

 That’s not saying I’ve had a bad life, it’s just I just feel like I’ve never belonged. And, every group I’ve ever joined, I grew disillusioned with. I turned into more of a loner.

Occasionally these past few years, that sense of belonging has passed through my mind from time to time, but I didn’t dwell on it. There was too much to do, too much work to accomplish and all that. Yet, when I look back on my entire life, I’ve done some very interesting things, tried various ventures … funny how late in life, I’ve found my way and became an editor of a newspaper and an artist.

Maybe these feelings are arising more because I am alone (a choice for which there is a price.) I now think of the town I grew up in, and all those comforting memories come back. Every time I think of a library, it’s not the current one of which I am a member, but the Kensington Public Library. I still remember how it smelled back in the ‘60s; that dusky, old aroma still resonates in my soul and brings back happy memories of all those books and Mrs. Blodgett, the librarian.

It’s funny how we realize things later in life. Now I realize there was always a part of me that was very much a loner. I don’t blame people; I just didn’t want to do things the other kids were doing or exactly like they were doing it … and maybe that’s why the didn’t like me.

Yes, there were times when I had fun with others, but there was always that part of me that had to follow my own path. I found my happiness out in the woods, mostly off on my own. I loved following old logging trails and exploring nature.

Now, in my 70s, I often wonder about moving back, but I know, you can never go back. It’s different now. My brother, sister-in-law and I drove down there a few years ago. While some things have changed, there were aspects remembered and memories stirred.

 

Floral Glimpses

 

Floral Glimpses

 April 10 to June 10, 2025

9 x 11 ¼ on BFK white paper

The initial tracing for this had been done a long time ago, and I finally decided to do it. I taped it to an easel and used a couple shades of green pan pastel to lay in some background color. I then had to redraw a couple lines that partially disappeared. Surprisingly, a title came to me right away.

Over the next week or so, I did a little more. I added a little darker green behind the top right flower, then just for the fun of it, I made a couple of swaths with pink on the petals even though I’m not ready to tackle those yet. I added dark and lighter greens to the upper flower, then pink on some of the petals. It’s a start. 

One day, coming in from working in the yard, I stood admiring the wall of already-finished floral paintings and had an idea. What if, before I get multiple layers on the painting, I use pencils to put sharper lines along the edges of the petals? So, I did, doing the pink petals and the purple. Then while at it, I also delineated the dark background leaves which I’d put in the other day using a lighter green.

I liked it and will have to remember to do that with all the florals as I trace the outlines to get the shapes right. Unfortunately, after the gardening work, I was too achy to stand and do more painting.

April 23: Two stints on this in the studio, over an hour; refining, coloring, and more. I’m always amazed when I discover little aspects I hadn’t noticed before. It makes me wonder about the background. Darn, as always, I should’ve done more in the beginning. (photo 7936)

I was pretty much done with the top flower and had all the others colored in. Now it was down to the details. I started to play around with raindrops. (photo 7938)

Looking at the progress photo next morning, I decided I liked the lighter far background. It gives more depth. I needed to do more lost and found edges… some lines needing more definition, like the outer tips of petals.

So, I went in the studio and began further defining edges using pencils. I worked left to right, starting with the purple flowers, then up to the big pink, and even redoing the buds at the very top. I added more shading and better definitions. In the end, I worked on the top flower, which I thought I’d finished yesterday. Again, it’s about better definition and shading. 

I signed it, then realized I hadn’t done rain drops. Of course, the layers are too thick to get a clear drop, so I sprayed workable fixative to see if that will help. Another idea would be to use a tortillon to take off areas where I’d like to put a drop of water. I also tried using a kneaded eraser and a darker pink pencil to add depths to the sides of the raindrops.  

May 13: I moved this to the sit-down easel, used a charcoal pencil to define some edges. I also used a light pink to create more brightness in the petals. After reading about using an electric eraser for the raindrops, I gave it a try. I did some quick preliminary work. I’ll need to add more eraser and define the shadows of the drops.

May 27: Redid the light blue-green background. Smudged other background into tight places, then had to redo all petal and leaf edges. In the end, I did away with the raindrops. (photo 8428)

May 28: Nan said the two purple flowers in the lower right, with the white rings around the centers look like two eyes. Of course, when she said that, I could see it … and once you become aware of it, you can’t not see it. I scribbled the top of another just below which I’ll detail later.

June 15: Used alcohol on a brush to “wash” the dark background areas. (After attending an art reception the night before and seeing an artist use alcohol on her background during a paint-around.) Oops, I have to watch for runniness – though some people say they let the runs add to their paintings.

Nan again said the two purple flowers looked like eyeballs and suggested I make the very bottom one much bigger. So, after changing the light teal on the right side into darker green, I started reworking that smaller purple blossom I’d added on the lower left. I made it bigger, moved it to the right a little more, but those two flowers above it still looked like eyeballs. Adding that smaller flower then made it look more like a face with the center like a nose.

I wiped it off and redid it as a pink flower, but again, it all still looked like a face. So, I decided to make the second purple flower from the left more like the upper right-side pink flower. I went back and forth in the studio FOUR more times trying to get it right. Each time, I found faults. At least those three flowers are not looking like a face now, but …

June 21: I woke thinking about cropping and inch from the bottom. So, when I got up, I went in the studio and put another strip of tape lightly across the top of the previous to see if I like better. I did and called it finished.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Morning After the Storm

 

Morning After the Storm

 Pastel painting, 9 ½ x 14 inches.

 After dealing with shoveling 5 inches of snow, I came back inside to see Tara Holdner had posted a photo. I was intrigued by the sun on the distant shoreline of the river, and the blues of the foreground were calling me to see what I could do with this as a pastel painting. I asked and received permission to use her photo for a reference.

I printed a colored and a grayscale photo. Trying to pick out a focal point was a challenge. My eye was drawn to many aspects of the scene. I pulled out a sheet of BFK Rives white paper and cut it into sections choosing a 10 x 14 ½ inch piece, then taped it to an easel. I used charcoal pencils to start the composition, then a bigger piece of vine charcoal to add in more depths to the trees.

 

I next used soft Sennelier pastels to do the sky and put in hints of color in the river. I reworked the shoreline a bit to “flatten” the mid-range area to create better background distance.

 The beginning work is always a bit iffy as I try to figure things out.

For the next few weeks, I’d spend an hour or so at a time working on this. I struggled with the vanishing point and the distance between tree lines and shorelines. My intent is never to totally replicate the photograph. I only use the photo for reference. I constantly try to get detail better, ripples in the water, shadows, bright areas versus dark. Then, there are times when Tuli-kitty wants me to hold her while I’m trying to paint. She can be quite a pest.

By mid-February, it was all about detail. I really struggled with the two dark open-water oval pools on the right. I put in more orange in the sunlit trees, used various shades of blue pastels and a charcoal pencil on more defined lines and trees. I signed it. Is it done?

A day later, I did a couple more touch ups – worked the reflections, redid sky … why had dark dust had gotten into it? I also worked more on the foreground, water movement, and bushes.

 

 

The Quiet at Day's End

 

25-004 The Quiet at Day’s End 

 January 26 to April 18; 8 ¾ x 14 on BFK Rives white paper, finished painting is in a gold frame.

Reference photo, used with permission: Tara Holdner 24-3e. I loved the light in this scene. As always, my goal isn’t to replicate the photo exactly, just used as a reference to do my own creation.

Small initial charcoal sketch. (Photo 24-3221crs) I loved the light in this scene. I’d done the initial small sketch in December.

 

January 26: I taped paper to the sit-down easel and measured 8 ¾ x 14, then did a quick outline sketch with a fat piece of charcoal. I don’t like the weird upside-down boat in the original photo, so I sketched it as canoe. I used pan pastels to start laying in some under coloring.

 

February 9 and 10: Worked more sky and some reflections. Getting the colors smooth and whispy-edged clouds. Added a little to the tops of the trees on the far right to start getting the sky behind them. Then, a couple days later, I added more in the sky and water, darkened the mountains and the trees.

 

February 20: Moved this to the stand-up easel. Did a little more sky, adding more pinks, et al. Then I worked the mountain/tree line. It was difficult not making a mess in the sky. I used pencils afterwards for some negative painting. I next did the big trees on the rights.

 

I took soft blue to the watery areas, then used a charcoal pencil to redefine the foreground shoreline and the area under the trees and before the tree reflections.

Gave it a light spray to see if the fixative would keep off the loose dust in the air.

March 16: I let time get away from me even though I’d done a couple touches during the past couple weeks … but never made notes. Today, I reworked the sky adding more orange, pink, yellow, and white. I used the side of a pale blue to blend. Then I extended some hint of yellow and pink into the mountains to create the haze.

 I also used a brown to make that bit of dark in the water and a hint of darker blue to extend that line in an arc to the left. I added brown to the ground under the trees on the right, then added brown, rust, and green along the bottom to start giving the foreground color.

 April 10: Moved this to the sit-down easel. I worked the sky more, adding color. I put dark greens along the horizon tree line and added highlights to the back tree on the right. I redefined the boats, did some scribbles along the foreground.

 April 11: Went over the entire thing fixing it up. Then worked the foreground, then back into the water. I worked all over, and I’m just about done. Tried to walk away a few times, then would see something to fix. I feel I’m missing something.

April 15: Did more finessing. I signed it. Too much on my mind as it’s now summer guide time and I’m too busy to paint.

April 17: Of course, I saw some flaws and sat down for a couple minutes to fix. I defined the shoreline and the jutting out area on the right. I brightened the yellow, pink, and orange. Then I added some lighter green to the foreground grasses.

Shoot, even now I see things not quite right. Ugh. I’m not done.

April 18: Went at it again. Added more to the sky, outlined better and softened the shadow ridge along the right-side dark reflections, but spent most the time adding more depth and contrasts to the lower foreground. I pretty much touched all over. Had to re-do my signature. Hoping to call it finished.

Gave it a light spray with workable fixative – in an effort to not let the dust adhere.

 

 

 

 

 

Paying the Price for Getting What I Wished For

I wanted to be alone. I envisioned myself living alone. I needed to be alone to get a rest from taking care of Mum at the end of her life. I looked forward to being alone. I finally got my wish after she died, and it was an extremely heavy price to pay.

She loved me so much. I loved her so much, too, even though she was very controlling. It so totally broke my heart watching her decline and become helpless … and hopeless. It took a lot out of me. I felt I was losing me, hence why I dreamed of being alone.

My daily prayers for her are that she is finally getting a rest from always feeling she had to take care of us/me. I pray that every day she is happy, content and satisfied.

But, oh, I miss her so much. She needed a break from me, and I needed a break from her. I cannot think of her and not have tears. On one hand, I know I did the best I could, but there’s always the guilt I should have done more.

Yes, as she declined, everything fell on my shoulders. However, I managed, and while she could no longer help with anything, she was still present to give feedback or just be there with me.

Now, 14 years later (has it been that long?) I’ve had my time alone. Now, I AM lonely, and I’m feeling helpless and alone. I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t deal with the pressures of life with taking care of everything alone. Today’s technology has me overwhelmed and frustrated, and yet, I don’t want to LIVE with anybody. I just don’t want to be alone …

These days, I’m losing it. “Mum, did you feel this way, too?” I’m lost and floundering. I’m not even sure what I want any more – just to do my art, but too much crap gets in the way and with everything on my shoulders, I’m such a wreck.

It’s my choice to live alone. Yes, I have had much guilt over this as I’ve isolated myself from family.

A Mystical Dawn

 

“Mystical Dawn”

  

 Finished and framed: 10 ½ x 19 ¾

 A neighbor posted a photo on Facebook in 2021 which I fell in love with. He’d given me permission to use a couple of his other photos for painting references. I always ask permission. 

The colors in the sky, the icy mysticism, scrubby landscape, and the reflections in the water had me speechless. I again asked permission. I was told he was in Maine, but his wife assured me he wouldn’t mind.

My emotions were at war with what I feel is ethical as the pull to do this as a painting screamed at me to paint the scene. The dilemma caused a lot of anxiety. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The scene and issue invaded my sleep. I don’t sell or promote the photo as my own; I only use them as inspiration, and I usually take artistic license to make changes to make the painting my own. Still, I love to give photo credit where due.

I couldn’t wait. I was so excited. I was sure he’d give permission. I couldn’t wait and jumped right into doing an initial charcoal drawing in a 6 x 9 sketchbook. However, when I got to the foreground, I had trouble discerning shoreline and the far banking. 

I also realized, at this point, the river bent towards the mountains and widened. The foreground tree makes it hard to see what the water is actually doing. So, after finishing the sketch, I edited more of the photo, printed 5 x 7s of the original edit and one in black and white, and two of cropped areas to better see details. 

Still, I was so excited about doing this, I couldn’t resist going to the next step for the actual painting. First came choosing the paper. I pulled out the pre-cut BFK Rives. I chose a 10 x 20 piece but decided 20 inches was too long. I shortened it with blue painter's tape, attaching it to an easel board.

                                   

Two years later, in looking through photos and beginnings of painting to decide what to do next, I came across it again and decided to do this for myself. I taped it to the standup easel, decided in wasn’t panoramic enough and used the blue tape to resize the paper to 8 ¾ x 14.

I used pan pastels to lay down the background colors. Next came pastel pencils to better define mountain lines and the brook, then a couple soft pastels to lay in more color. I decided on the title.

Funny, with all the types of pastels I have, I didn’t have the right shade of blue – and again another reason why I don’t follow photographs exactly. As I worked, I kept telling myself I needed to make the painting more vibrant.

A month later, I moved it to the sit-down easel to do closer work. Added brighter color, better defined mountains and added colors and layers. And yes, I added more to the sky. (I always go back over areas touching them up.) Then I worked lower and lower. I took a charcoal pencil and defined some of the horizontal lines, beginnings of bushes and some lower terrain.

Days passed. Sometimes I’d work on this, sometimes on other paintings. Another month went by. The more layers added, the harder to get sharper areas. I finally called it finished April 10, 2025.

 

Morning After the Storm

 

 

9 ¼ x 14 pastel painting on BFK Rives paper

Jan. 20-Feb. 20, 2025

Again, a friend posted and gave me permission to use her photo as a reference. The sun on the trees in the background, the curve of the river, and the blues of the scene in the foreground called for me to see what I can do with this. Trying to pick out a focal point is a challenge. My eye is drawn to many aspects of the scene.

I taped a sheet of 10 x 14 ½ paper to the sit-down easel and used a charcoal pencil to start putting in shapes. Then I used vine charcoal to sketch in some of the trees. After going back and forth a couple times, I changed the size to 9 ¼ x 14 and added beginning color. 

One of my issues is getting what I call the horizontals right when I’m doing the initial work freehand between the reference photo and the painting. I’ve even tried marking off thirds and I still get confused. Then again, I’m not trying to replicate the photo. It’s just for reference.

I struggle getting whites to stay white because the darker pastel dust flies around. And, so often, when I start to walk away, I’ll look back and see something to fix.

The work continued with layering and defining specific areas. I added to the water with dark blue, a lighter turquoise, and some black (in the two dark pools on the right.) I made ripples, shadows, and reflections in water and ice. I also added more orange for brightness in the trees.

 

I was stunned and pleased how the center area water looked shiny… like water should. I need to stay more on top of these things.

By Feb. 18, it was all about the detail. I struggled with the two dark open-water oval pools on the right. I put in more orange in the sunlit trees, used various shades of blue pastels and a charcoal pencil on more defined lines and trees. I signed it. Is it done?

 Of course, a couple days later, I picked at it a little more and finally called it finished for sure.

Original photograph taken by Tara Holdner and used with permission .