|My childhood home is gone!|
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
The six ducks across the street are in a line along the edge of the road grooming themselves. They’re fun to watch with the little tail wiggles and wing flaps. I hope the traffic slows for them.
You would've loved this property where I live now. The brook which can be seen from the house is amazing. We always loved the brooks, didn’t we? You would've been right down there cutting away all the brush, cleaning up the dead fall and debris, and making it look beautiful.
I remember how you always had the area under the pines looking so pretty. Do you know, they cut all those pines and the backyard is open (and … blah)?
But alas, I am not you, and at this age, I cannot do that clearing work you loved. I am building flower gardens, though. I always admired your gardens and your love of the plants. I’m sorry I didn’t come into it while we could have done it together.
Love you forever!
Yes, I talk to my mum almost every day. I don’t get a response. She just looks at me from her photo perch on the shelf across from where I write. But it dawned on me messages sometimes come through when I’m writing. I usually say it’s from The Muse. But maybe if I specifically write to mum, she might come through in my writing.
Contemplating loss of parents and learning to let go takes me on an interesting journey, and now that a few years have passed and the heartbreak lessened, I am able to look at our lives without falling totally apart (although I still get teary). I’m curious for answers to questions I never dared ask when she was alive. I want to know more family story, and for some reason, I hoped the recent trip to old family and childhood properties would trigger things I forgot.
There are things children don’t recognize when they’re young, and 60 years ago, family dynamics were different. Most kids just aren’t interested in family history, especially if the parents aren’t passionate about it. Still, I wanted something to stir within me. I wanted a memory, a feeling, a connection …
June 4 continued: Gail and I continued on to Kensington and the moment we crossed the border began, “Do you remember who lived there?” We pointed out buildings we remembered; some kept up and renovated, some looking the same, while others falling to decay. There were new buildings interspersed and other additions to the landscape.
Oh, here’s a spot where an old trail used to come out onto the main road and is now a housing development. And on this trail which ran beside a familiar-looking home was where my brother and I once found a watermelon in the brook.
Imagine two kids, we must’ve been 8 and 10, finding a watermelon in the brook on a hot summer day. Wow! What a treasure! Of course, we rescued it, broke it open on a rock, and stuffed ourselves silly on the delectable, juicy morsels.
Needless to say, mum was looking for us before we got home. The people who put the watermelon in the brook to keep it cool, saw us take it and went immediately to phone our mother. Hey, we were kids. It never occurred to us someone would purposely put a watermelon in the brook!
Where the American Legion is now was once a little store called The Bird Cage (we called it the shit shack.) I remember it being a small, two-room, dingy, crowded place smelling of dust and cigarettes. He had parakeets and sold penny candy and cigarettes, and out back he had lots of books we could take and read. (I was the reader.)
The two corner houses were similar and I remember the families who lived there. Then we turned the corner onto our street, down the hill into what we called the hollow, then up as we approached our old homes.
Gail’s old house still stood bright and white looking almost exactly the same, though kept up with fresh paint and all. She remarked how the two old maple trees bordering the driveway had been cut down long ago.
But my eyes strayed across the street and my heart dropped into my belly. My house was GONE! There wasn’t anything recognizable. Any remnant of the building was gone, and vegetation, brush, and saplings covered the once-huge lawn and property leaving only a small reseeded level spot of ground where the house once stood. It didn’t even look big enough to have held the house I called home in my youngest years.
I pulled into the driveway (which now extended to connect to Gail’s father’s old driveway to the farm “down back”) and we got out. My mind was numb. I couldn’t even find words, except to say how small the house footprint looked.
Gail pointed to two trees on either side of the driveway. “Do you think these are the same two trees we used to climb?” I wasn’t sure. After 57 years or so, wouldn’t they look bigger? I stood there trying to take it in. I was in such shock, I couldn’t even cry.
A man was walking by and I waved him over. He said the property had been abandoned for years and was foreclosed on. It was recently sold to Alan Lewis. Hey, that’s Gail’s cousin who had bought her dad’s old farm and had even bought my uncle’s property years ago off my dad.
We got back in the car and continued down the driveway to her dad’s old farm. The dirt road followed a ridge top, one side went down to where dad once had his chicken coops and pig pens and the other side down to the brook (what we called First Brook). Nothing looked the same. The road dipped down and crossed the brook at an intersection where the new driveway to the property merged with the old. Yes, there was the brook where Don, and Gail’s youngest brother Lyle tried to teach the baby chicks to swim (after all, the baby ducks could) and the swamp on the left where we learned to ice skate (which looked way more open now than I remembered).
To the left was the old trail leading to what we called the Second Brook, but again, although there was still a trail, it wasn’t the trail of my childhood. Farther up was a large parking area for visitors to the “new” farm/retreat property. I wouldn’t be able to walk up the hill, so Gail said to keep going. We had permission, after all.
We emerged from the wooded area onto what had been the farm, a piggery and huge gardens when Gail’s dad lived here. Now it was a huge expanse of manicured lawn continuing up. To the left was a renovated cabin named after Gail’s dad which he had lived in. There were other cabins, each set up with their own private space.
Someone directed us to continue up the hill, around a huge building which now houses meeting rooms and social areas, and through a stretch of woods where there was to be a ceremony Gail wanted to attend.
I immediately felt out of place. The energy here was wrong; not bad, just not the land of my childhood. The road twisted around trees and we came out into a field where exhibition tents were set up. Off to the right, looking like it was emerging out of the tall field grass, was a humungous black sculpture of a gorilla. What? Like that fits in here? It was ugly.
We got out. I realized this field was what we’d called The Big Hill. I spent a lot of time up here. This was my go-to place, the place where I came after school to recover from the name-calling and out casting of school mates. It was a great sledding hill, but once at the bottom, it was a long way back up trudging through snow.
I pointed down the hill to a group of trees and told Gail of the old foundation there and how my puppy fell down an open well and how her dad came and rescued the pup. He later put wood over the well so other critters couldn’t fall in.
Next to the trees in the middle of hill going down were two huge silver-metal sculptures of faces – so out of place in this serene setting. Other than those modern sculptures, the hill looked the same … but I didn’t want to stay. The people gathering were strangers and it all felt wrong to me.
I fought to find words to apologize to Gail and say if she wanted to stay, I’d wait below. I didn’t want to disappoint her. I found the words and she said she didn’t want to stay either. We returned down the twisty-turny path and back onto the old farmland. We stopped to inspect a life-size buffalo sculpture and sat on a bench near the rock where two of her brothers were buried.
There was another sculpture (I guess you’d call it a sculpture) nearby in a smaller section of now-manicured lawn. It looked like a long Loch Ness serpent made of bright red lobster trap rope undulating in the green grass. It was ugly and did not fit in with the landscape at all. To me, it looked like an armature of something being developed, but it’d been like this for years. It reminded Gail of something kids were supposed to play on.
The sun was warm after the cold of the morning at the beaches. Gail pointed out places she remembered, and we shared stories. My favorite memory of this property was, when we were little, Gail’s dad had a big party every summer inviting friends and neighbors. There’d be a huge cook-out; we’d play dodgeball, tag and hide ‘n’ seek; explore the woods, light off fireworks (which I’ve always hated), but the best part was the singalong around the campfire after dark.
An employee came by and talked about the people coming to this ceremony. I looked at Gail, “I really don’t want to be here,” and she agreed. This wasn’t our land anymore. We didn’t belong here, and we drove away passing many out of state cars and a few more sculptures that looked like they’d be better off at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, not here in a forested landscape.
I made one more stop at my old home and hiked down the field to peer into the woods. I called out to Gail who waited in the car, “These forsythias might be from mum’s old big bush!” I tried to look past the trees bordering the field. The field, too, has been encroached upon by Mother Nature. I just wanted one glimpse of something familiar, but it wasn’t to be.
We made the loop around the other way in leaving, driving past my second house, which still looks the same shape only a different color and all the pines in the back are gone. We passed the old farm where my dad grew up, its barn now gone. Then onto the road where my uncle lived, I was shocked to see his house looked exactly the same (on the outside) as when he was alive. (It’s now one of Lewis’ guest camps.)
We stopped for sandwiches to take back to our rental. My emotions were all over the place. I still hadn’t pieced it all together, still not sure of what I was really looking for, let alone deciphering how or why I didn’t find it.
Back on my computer, I wrote a poem:
There’s No Going Back
We returned, Gail and I,
to our childhood homes and land
ready to share the experience
of trudging down memory lane together
I anticipated emotional outpouring
expecting scenes from long ago
to trigger childhood memories
I can’t remember
I anticipated sentimental reaction
and a falling of lots of tears
as the land I grew up on
wrapped me in a comfort of what I once knew
I anticipated finding release
as feelings flooded my being
triggered by delights of childhood now lost
But there was nothing here
the landscape totally changed
even to the demolition of my old home
and what was left unrecognizable
Speechless, stunned and feeling empty,
I couldn’t even cry
The land did not call to us
its energy no longer matched ours
My eyes strained to find familiar
my being searching for the old roots
of what was once my home
and what once encompassed blended family
Her dad’s old property, too
its scenes no longer familiar
the now manicured and manipulated landscape
as foreign as other people arriving
The place, though beautiful,
felt cold and alien
strange modern sculptures created a wrong feeling
not fitting in with the landscape … as we knew it
We pointed and exclaimed, “Remember …,”
but words stuck in our throats
as memory didn’t match what we were seeing
we didn’t belong here anymore
This place was no longer home
to two little girls
who ran barefoot through tall grasses
and dared to ride pigs
It was time to leave.
The past is the past
there’s no going back
but for a short time,
I so wished for a return to simpler times.
--Sasha Wolfe, 2019
The journey of living wholeheartedly and delving back into the past has its rewards even if I’m not getting the answers I expected. The land may no longer be mine or I belong to it, but there are still memories of happy childhood times.
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
I love history, not the history they teach you at school, but real history with real people and their personal stories. I always want to know what happened to people who lived in such and such houses. Everyone has a story and an interesting life. Where are they now and what are they doing? Who’s still alive?
Who’s going to write or tell their stories? Who’s going to write our stories? When our time here is over, will there only be a few old photos to show we were here? Will we just become a name on some family tree, and no one will ever really know who we were?
Years ago, my oldest son worked on family genealogy. It was interesting, but with names only, there was the lack of personal story of these people. Who were they? What did they do? What happened to them? How/when did family lose connection? I want to know story!
The other day, I found a typewritten family genealogy in the back of my uncle’s old photo album done by a distant aunt of theirs (my great-aunt then?) with many unfamiliar names. Does this mean I have cousins I never knew of?
The question runs through my mind: How much do I really want to delve into this? Would I be interested in reaching out to someone? It would be a time-consuming endeavor, for sure. And what would I do with any new information?
Just before my mum passed, I wanted to write hers and other family stories, but never made the time. Now it’s too late and I struggle (with some sorrow) to fit pieces together. Why didn’t I pay attention when I should have? But I didn’t and now the universe is driving me to look back now.
And so, I continue the story of the recent trip to the coast with my childhood friend/sister, Gail, to visit old family properties and reconnect to the land and waters:
June 4 unfolded in steps starting with the early morning beach walk then the visit to my uncle’s old property on Rings Island, Salisbury, Mass. This next segment was to go back to where their (uncle, mum, and aunt) early years were spent.
|This was my grandparents house at Black Rocks, Salisbury, Mass.|
A little family history:
My grandparents early house was at Black Rocks in what is now called Salisbury Beach State Reservation in Salisbury, Mass. My mum used to tell stories of growing up down there on the Merrimac River near where Black Water Creek meets the river at Butler’s Toothpick.
She talked about eminent domain and how the government came and made the families move. I found information where the state took over the land in 1931 (one site said it was in 1935), and the military took it in 1941 to set up defenses in fear of a Pearl Harbor on the east coast. It was also a watch place for German U-boats.
But I can’t find any official written info on moving the families off the land, or even how many properties were involved. I have one old photo that shows at least five or six houses around my grandparents’ house … and their house was right on the beach (river side, not ocean).
My mum often told a story that during the big flood of 1936, she remembered her mum carrying her in one arm, twin sister Margaret in the other, and older brother Ray clinging to their mother’s skirt as she waded through almost waist-deep water to get to high ground. They had rabbits and chickens in the bottom portion of their house and the poor creatures … And mum had said this was when the government made them move.
|Flanders store and boat livery service, Salisbury, Mass.|
But that was her memory and she was a small child, then. She had to be younger than 10 when they moved. She also told stories of the CCC Boys (what she called the Civilian Conservation Corps.) Their camp was on another street just down from where my grandparents’ house had been moved to on Beach Road.
The original road to the beach was built of planks laid across the marshes and in 1866, Beach Road was laid over the top. I would like to be able to find out when my grandparents moved there … had to be after the 1920s.
I’m not even sure how much my mum knew about that time. She remembered kid incidences like when one kid almost drowned in the creek and Margaret jumped in and save him. How they used to jump on big ice cakes in the winter and float down the creek. (Yikes, the thought of ever catching my kids doing something like that …) And how her dad made a lot of money selling liquor thrown overboard by boat crews when they were caught by the authorities during prohibition.
Gail and I headed to the beach from Rings Island and pulled onto the road to the reservation. I made a quick stop to take photos of a gnarly tree and the winding creek beside it to use in my next pastel painting. I usually try to plan my visit here before Memorial Day when parking doesn’t cost and was surprised and pleased to find this day there wasn’t a fee to visit the reservation. I turned towards the boat ramp.
|Scene I will do as a pastel painting|
Soon we were making our way down a soft sand path towards Butler’s Toothpick (erected years ago as a navigational landmark on the river.) After my mum passed away, she came to me in a vision demanding to go home and I knew this is where she wanted to be. The remaining family, Gail, and I brought Mum and Aunt Margaret home in a dedication ceremony in 2014 on their birthday, April 18.
On this trip to pay honor to them, the beautiful spring blossoms were gone, but the rain clouds moving in made for a spectacular sky. My weight sunk into the sand then gave a little more when I moved into the next step jarring my back reawakening an old injury. It was a little easier walking on the edge near the fence, but every jounce added to the pain. By the time we reached the Toothpick, which wasn’t far, I wasn’t sure I could walk much farther.
|Path to Butler's Toothpick, Black Rocks|
Cold wind whipped hair into our faces making it uncomfortable along the water. I hid my disappointment. I didn’t feel the connection I usually feel at this spot. Where was my mother? Why couldn’t I feel her? My thoughts were stripped away in the gusts like pieces of ribbon torn from its knot.
I wanted to walk farther down the beach, but a large crowd of people picnicking near the camping area deterred me. Gail gets colder easier than I and I could tell she was eager to move on. I followed her along the path back to the parking lot stopping often to take photos of the dunes and rest my back.
My mind was numb. Once again, that which I was hoping to discover didn’t happen. The journey to rediscover my roots and hopefully fill the hole in my heart wasn’t to be with this visit. I know this is a process. It’s been many years and just as with a real archeological dig, layers need to be explored before the treasure can be found.
Perhaps the afternoon visit to my actual childhood home will be the trigger. Stay tuned.
Monday, June 17, 2019
Saturday night I fell asleep planning more work in the gardens. This morning, instead of being on a creative roll, Murphy has jumped on my back. Some days just suck! I just want to sit and cry, but I’m even too down for tears.
Rain falls and Pele kitty cackles at the downy woodpeckers at the suet feeders outside. I push through getting the last of the editing done for the week. The work numbs my mind, so I don’t have to succumb to my sad feelings.
Four hours later, in responding to an email from Gail about her mother hugging her from beyond and the love she felt triggers something within me.
Hmmmm ... all about the love. Tears are falling. On one hand, I know I'm loved ... but I don't FEEL the love! That's what I'm missing. Maybe that's what I'm looking for in trying to go back to childhood. And there's part of me that feels I'll never be loved again ... if I ever truly was ... and that no guy (husband or boyfriend) ever truly loved me -- oh, there's the love of friends and distant love of family, but I don't have the immediate, physical, hug-feel of love. But then I keep telling myself I don't have time for love, the last thing I need is for someone to want me to love him -- I have too much me stuff with my art I'm trying to do.
I truly believe we need to allow ourselves time to grieve. Not just for those who’ve passed on, but for every loss or betrayal we’ve ever encountered. Allowing ourselves to feel is to heal emotionally. Perhaps, this too, is why I am making this journey into the past and part of my living wholeheartedly.
This is going to take more contemplation, for sure. But first, the journey of returning to my childhood family properties continues …
June 4, Gail and I took a break after our morning beach walk deciding what to do about breakfast. We got in the car and headed south on Route 1-A passing through Seabrook Beach, then into Salisbury Beach, Mass. I drove around the loop of the old amusement park and we pointed to where the Flying Horses carousel, the old wooden rollercoaster, and the Ferris wheel used to be.
We stopped for photos of today’s cheap-looking carousel – nothing like the huge Flying Horses of our childhood.
We recalled playing skee-ball in the arcades. (Skee-ball was my favorite and it was fun to win prizes.) Gail talked about having her first piece of square pizza. Joe’s Playland and both Tripoli and Christy’s are still there. Other buildings are also there, but nothing was really the same. There were no crowds of people walking around with kids eating cotton candy; no chatter, no sounds and bells of arcades and amusement rides. The area almost feels like a ghost town, just barely hanging on to life.
Not seeing any breakfast-type place, we headed to Salisbury Square and found some dive of a little restaurant. The people were very nice, but the place itself was awful and neither of us ate much – and to use the bathroom? Gross, beyond gross!
|My uncle's old house around 1990 and little garage to the right|
We headed down Route 1 to Rings Island along the Merrimac River and across from Newburyport. My uncle was the harbor master for 38 years and there’s a plaque dedicated to his memory by the pier. His house, a two-story narrow New Englander was once a barrel factory before he bought it. Now it is multi-million-dollar structure, two houses in similar shape connected by a two-story foyer (I would guess). What was once a little garage is now a huge, two-story building of its own.
|What my uncle's old property looks like today|
It’s hard to find words. The beach where we learned to swim when we were little filled in with beach grasses long ago. The boat ramp is gone. We walked out on the pier chatting about how we used to jump from this spot or that at high tide. The ramp going down to the boat slip dock is now multiple docks extending out into the river and we went out to the very end. The river is still beautiful and peaceful, and we couldn’t have asked for a prettier day.
I don’t know what I was expecting to feel – I only know I didn’t feel it. There was just a sadness of times changed, although the beauty of the river is amazing. It was time to move on with the next stop being the land where my mum and siblings spent their early childhood – Black Rocks, Salisbury Beach Reservation. My mum and aunt, mum’s twin, talked of their childhood home a lot before they passed. I try to get down once a year around their birthday to visit and to feel them.
|The river views are soothing to the soul|
There’s something in my soul searching – for some kind of connection to family, to heritage, for roots. Maybe it is all about love; love of parents for children. Is it because I can’t feel the love any longer and I’m trying to get it back? Whatever it is, I know this archeological dig into my past will eventually bring relief and better understanding.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
My sister-by-different-parents-best-friend, Gail’s father recently passed away and with his leaving came the realization that every adult I knew as a kid is now gone. What a strange feeling. We are truly the adults now and into our crone years. I’m not even sure how to describe it; definitely a door closed on the past, but there’s also an emptiness.
I’ve been thinking about childhood and wanting to go back to rediscover things I’d forgotten as a part of learning to let go and live wholeheartedly. With Gail’s dad’s passing, this felt like a great opportunity to explore, discover, and really say goodbye to the past.
And who better to share this experience with but Gail! We talked it over and rented an Airbnb at Hampton Beach. We only live about a couple hours apart, but we seldom see each other these days. We looked forward to spending time together, telling old stories, and visiting our old homes. It’s one thing to discuss the past, but to actually visit the old homesteads would add another dimension to the adventure.
We met on an early June afternoon. The day was sunny, but the wind made it a little chilly. We settled into our cute little apartment and after lunch in Seabrook, we returned to Hampton Beach for a little souvenir shopping and ocean watching. Later we changed into our night clothes, relaxed on the two couches planning the next day’s trip, and talking about life.
The next morning, we were up in time for the sunrise. I trudged quietly behind Gail, feet sinking into the soft sand, my head bent watching for trip hazards. We followed the narrow path up a tall sand dune, a dark orange glowing over the tops of the waving dune grasses. The path opened into a sandy hollow at a crossroad between the taller tops of the dunes with other paths, one from another road and two towards the beach.
The sun, now a glorious brilliant yellow surrounded by shades of orange streaks with blue-gray sky higher above greeted us. The huge round ball sat on the horizon above the Isles of Shoals. We stood mesmerized, then took photos.
I pulled my eyes away from the sun. It was nearing low tide creating a huge, wide expanse of beach which stretched lengthwise towards Boar’s Head to the left and the jetty to the right. The entire horizon on either side of the sun was topped with orange, darker along the horizon itself and lighter above looking to the north and in softer shades to the south.
Do we take the straight across path which would take us toward the main part of Hampton Beach or the right path towards the jetty? Me, I chose rocks over the more developed, commercial areas, and we made our way down a steep incline between the dunes. The wind was still blowing, but not quite as bad as the day before. Still, we had to keep pulling hair away from our eyes. Wow, I forgot how much I loved walking the beach at sunrise!
The jetty looked so far away and I’m not good at walking these days. I wasn’t sure I could make it. We chose to walk the high tide mark. I took my time and picked up rocks to make a rock garden back home. Little plovers ran along the beach in front of us and the seagulls looked huge compared to the small birds.
Sometimes we’d make comments to each other, but mostly we walked in silence, each lost in our own musings. And all the while, the waves crashed onto the shore and rolled up the sand in a soothing, rhythmic, deep whhoooshh.
My wanderings slowed as I not only stuffed my pockets with interesting rocks, but I let myself get caught up in patterns in the sand made by the outgoing tide. I took way too many photos, but I can’t help it. It didn’t take much to catch my attention. I finally made it to the jetty and was rewarded by finding three sand dollars.
With my pockets heavy, it was even harder walking in the soft sand back up over the sand dune on the return. We rested up a bit and chatted about the next part of our trip down memory lane – a visit to Salisbury Beach Reservation, Salisbury, Mass., where my mum spent the early years of her life on the banks of the Merrimack River.
What memories and emotions will stir? Stay tuned.
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Saturday and Sunday, March 30 and 31, 2019
Learning to live wholeheartedly teaches me something almost every day. It’s a vigilance to remain true to my heart and soul in daily living and to not get caught up in all the drama and hype. Sometimes the little lessons are things I already knew but either forgot or just let it go. Other times it’s putting things in a different context (or words) to help me understand better. They’re all golden nuggets in my quest for wholehearted living.
The Creativity Muse had me in her strong grip Friday morning. I finished editing the poem I’d written the night before and blogged, but she still had a hold on me. I so wanted to keep going and let that creative fire just burn, but Fridays and Saturdays are my busy newspaper work days. I had to dampen the flames and buckle down so I could meet deadline.
Yesterday’s morning writing had me coming up with another Dear Divine Presence Letter (DPL). These are little revelations/lessons I learn and like to share. Sometimes the message has to rattle my brain numerous times before the light bulb flashes on and I get it. For instance, I know how important it is to take breaks, but then I’ll still sit for hours to try to push to get the job done. Again a message came about the need to get up and move.
571. Dear Divine Presence, Thank-you for reminding me the importance of taking breaks. When I try to get all my work done in one sitting, I get overstressed, ornery, and make mistakes. I need to get away from the table, move around, and do something constructive or creative – even if it’s just to play with the kitties or water the plants. Just five or ten minutes can be refreshing, clear my head, and help me feel better. Light and Love, Sasha.
I often talk about treasure hunts and how I strive to find beauty every day no matter where I am. I’ll post photos and share ideas and tips. Someone took my idea of a treasure hunt as a daily quest and to make a game out of it. I decided to make this to DPL. (As you can see, I’ve been writing these for over a year.)
572. Dear Divine Presence, Thank-you for showing me to look at each day as a treasure hunt. The treasure doesn’t have to be a big chunk of gold, but something simple. It can be a tiny nugget like being intrigued by a leaf on the ground or noticing a pretty flower. It can be realizing something good or learning something about life. It can be something inspiring someone says, or we read. What if we saw the good and beautiful around us as treasures? How many treasures can I find today? I’m on the hunt! Light and Love, Sasha.
|No, I'm not going to chase you up the tree!|
I found time in the afternoon to sneak in a little fresh air. Neighbor-kitty, Leo joined me. He loves it when I’m outside with him. He posed for photos, then took off down the walkway looking behind to see if I was giving chase. Around the corner of the house he went and up a tree. I managed to get a couple photos. He makes me laugh. And I found gold in the antics of a cat!
The chickens from across the street came over and Leo went into stalk mode. They weren’t intimidated by him at all, and when the big rooster flapped his wings at the orange boy, Leo hid behind a tree and continued his watch. He came with me when I went back in the house.
This morning, I’m amazed at how much snow melts overnight. Most of the ice bridges across the brook are gone and the ones left are looking unstable. The water gushes under them and splashes against anything in its path. In between my music, I can hear the roaring as the water slams against rocks, eats at the ice, and catches in swirls in side pools along the banks and tree roots.
Out front, the snow has receded farther. More of the shrubs are revealed and ground cover near the walkway are clear of snow but filled with old leaves, sand, and pine needles. The azaleas in front of the house are still flattened with show. The bugleweed and hens and chickens are showing color, and a couple of wild viola, which hadn’t totally died back, are waking up. My mind is already making a list of things to do to create even more beauty out here.
Part of me is eager to get out and start raking, but it’s not quite time, yet. It’s just the end of March and there’s always the possibility for April snowstorms. Plus, gardening takes me away from my art which can be a huge dilemma. I have to find time to write and paint or I get ornery and depressed. But I love being out in the flower garden, too, so I have to find a balance between inside work and outside work.
|What's under is almost as interesting as what's on top|
I couldn’t wait for afternoon. After standing on the front porch in my bare feet, I put on sneakers and go out for a few photos. I stop to pull a few invasive horsetail weeds along the walkway. I take photos of a few leaves stuck in a section of plowed up dirty snow from the driveway. They’re like little pieces of art hanging on a wall.
I look for signs of life on the lilacs. They were originally right in front of the house and I moved them. They’re not in a good spot, although I know it can take lilacs three years or so to recover from serious pruning or moving.
I pull a couple more horsetails while heading out back. The breeze coming off the brook makes it a little chillier. There’s still too much ice between the bottom of the steps and the brook. I can’t safely get down there, yet … maybe this afternoon or tomorrow.
I climb the steps to the deck and wander its length taking photos. I can’t help it. It’s mesmerizing and the roar is hypnotizing. If it was warmer, I’d get out a chair and do my writing out there.
Ah, my little piece of paradise filled with treasures. I have a gold mine!
Saturday, March 2, 2019
I asked for help in understanding God-Love. I needed to find my own definition; to differentiate what I normally think of love from the all-encompassing God-Love.
It was a challenging internal debate. When I first think of love, it’s more like a love of, and there are various degrees and levels to how much love is felt. I think of lover/spouse (which I don’t have, ha-ha), children, other family members, friends, and general things I love. But that also means there are people and things I don’t love. So, the moment I put “me,” or rather the ego, into love, it targets or leaves out certain people or things.
And I am also reminded of the time I was practicing projecting love to all around me and the next thing I knew, I had someone else’s husband calling me. That wasn’t the kind of vibe I intended to be projecting and made me fear of ever doing it again.
So, how can I understand this God-Love? This morning answers came.
There is a difference between love of someone or something and the Love that comes from God/The Divine/The Universe (and when I think of this latter type of Love, I see it all capitalized, whereas as “love of” is lower cased.
“Love of” is a human condition filled with emotions, opinions, and beliefs. It’s sometimes dictated by society, the church, family – it’s what we’ve been taught love is supposed to be. And I can’t understand or get why and how I “have to” love people who aren’t nice (to put it mildly). I don’t want to love those who choose mean lives. (I can feel sorry for them, but I don’t want to love them.)
God-Love is impersonal and encompasses all that is. It doesn’t take sides. It doesn’t target one thing or person over another. God-Love has no personal thoughts. God-Love just IS!
So, what does this mean to me right now? I’ll have to let it percolate and make it part of my practice of peace and light. Now I can say Peace, Light, and Love and feel at as Universal and Divine.
569. Dear Divine Presence, Thank-you for showing me the difference between the human condition of love and God-Love. I AM now willing to embrace God-Love, that all-encompassing Love that is not swayed by personal beliefs, desires, or emotions. Love and Success, Sasha.
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
Living wholeheartedly means paying attention when stress builds up and making adjustments. Sometimes this issue has to knock on the door a few times to get my attention.
For a while I’ve been going on about interruptions to my morning routine. I keep telling myself to go with the flow, but I feel it’s taking longer and longer to get the routine done. I feel the morning passes too fast and I feel guilty for not sitting down to write sooner.
But there’s also been a niggling in my mind. What does it matter if I stick to a strict routine? It’s not like I have to go anywhere. I work from home and outside of the weekly deadline for the newspaper, there are no time constraints, and deviating from my routine doesn’t mean I still won’t do regular morning duties.
Dr. Wayne Dyer always says to change how you think, and once more the lesson comes home. A simple word change can make a big difference – or change what the word means to me.
Routine, for example, doesn’t necessarily mean following steps 1, 2, 3 in exact order, which was what I’ve been trying to do. Then, if I did something else between two and three, I’d feel bad because it would take longer to sit down with my coffee.
Maybe I could think of routine as simply “doing what I do in the morning in however long it takes.” Who said if I get up at 4:50 a.m., I need to be sitting at the table writing by 6:30? Why did I think morning routine was only certain steps? The only person I have to answer to is myself.
It’s important to note stressors and find ways to bring peace to your wellbeing. A simple change in how you think can make a big difference. Sometimes it’s changing one word; finding a word that has more meaning for you.
568. Dear Divine Presence, Thank you for showing me I need to change my thinking about the interruptions in my morning routine. Instead of seeing interruptions, just go with the flow of the moment. I do so during the day … after my morning routine ... why should I think the morning has to be a strict routine? Perhaps it’s time to give up the concept of a morning routine and just do what I do. I’ll still do those normal routine steps, but I now accept that I may do other things, too. And that’s OK.
Friday, February 22, 2019
|"Summer River" pastel on BF Rives print paper|
567. Dear Divine Presence, Thank you for reminding me how doing a little bit of art work, by being creative can change my whole demeanor when I’m feeling down in the dumps. Thank you for showing up even if I forget to ask for help. Love and Success, Sasha.
Thursday, February 14, 2019
My biggest, latest revelation came from a section in “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield, when he said to "Make your work an offering to God." The spirits are around us all the time and want to help. He even said things like, "Do you think the muse was whispering in Beethoven's ear?"
It wasn’t a light bulb that flickered on, but an entire floodlight lit up my mind! I know I receive thoughts and messages from some higher beingness. Doesn't this fall into some of what I say when I write poetry? How my hand just moves when I pick up the pastel? And if the muses and spirits are working with/through us, why AREN'T we offering our work to The Divine?
In my mind, I'm toying with saying God or Divine. There was a long time when I couldn’t even think God and not feel the pressures of the man-controlled Christian church – I’m getting better because I no longer feel God as that manmade construct but as a total loving oneness encompassing the universe.
When I was doing my gratitude prayers the other night and running through the list of (only some) the spirits and angels and more, I thought: Is that why "they" came up with a one God? Because there are too many spirits, gods and goddesses, angels, muses, or whomever in the universe? How do we pray to them all, and if we leave some out, is that a blasphemy? Are we praying to the right one at the right time? How can we give homage to them all? By saying, “God” or “Spirit” or “The Divine” or “Universe” or “Beloved” or whatever, holds meaning in the moment. Or do we take a line from Shakespeare, “A rose by any other name …”
One message has been coming up for years and has been said in various ways. Maybe the most famous was in the movie “Field of Dreams” with Kevin Costner, “Build it and they will come.” Many writers and artists have their own version, but it’s simply just sitting at our desks or standing at the easels and doing our work, following our hearts, and letting ourselves fall onto the page or canvas.
Sometimes, something special happens when we enter that space; when we open our minds to our work/art; when we set everything else aside for the moment and forget to be analytical. Something seemingly outside ourselves slips in and melds with us to fall out onto the page or canvas. It can feel like it comes from outside us, but it’s also inside us. Some call it Muse, some say it’s Divine Presence or God. (And there are some who even know a name for that presence. I’m not one of them, ha-ha, and that’s OK.)
I’ve written often about the Muse; how and when she comes, and if I don’t pay immediate attention, she’ll go away until another day. But, after all these years, and even though I pray, it never occurred to me to ask for help the minute I sit down to work or stand at the easel. I’m usually just grateful if/when she arrives. (I usually feel it as a she.)
So now, besides offering my work to God, I am more consciously invoking helpers when I work. And, as my favorite poet, David Whyte, said, “If you pay attention to the world, the world will pay attention to you.” If we pay attention to receiving help and guidance from the universe, doesn’t it stand to reason we’ll receive it? “Ask, and you shall receive?” (Just remember what we receive might not be exactly what we ask for.)
Today’s thoughts coming through included: It's interesting that when we move away from what the church/man says about God, the more present He or spirits actually seem to be. When we get away from feeling we have to fall on our knees and beg for mercy, the more help we get from the universe just by simply asking or "showing up to do our work." The more we learn to work WITH the Divine, the more it works with us.
Perhaps it wasn't that God made man in His image, but man made God in the image of himself. A way to control ... And anyway, if God made man in His image, how did it come to be that some men were better than others? From what I always understood, "in his image" never said anything about color or race or gender.
But back to: Do my work as an offering to God. How powerful is that! Whether it's writing, poetry, or painting ... so, if I'm thinking of doing the work as an offering, will that not also call in the muses, angels, spirits, or whomever wants to help in these endeavors? After all, it is all related.
I look around at my pictures on the wall and when I think "offerings to God," tears fill my eyes. It makes my pictures even more beautiful. And when God finds them new homes, a piece of Him will go with the pictures blessing the new homes. It makes me love my work even more! And my books and poetry ... offerings to God. And I am filled with such LOVE.
Monday, February 4, 2019
566. Dear Divine Presence, Thank you for showing me a lesson of the day through listening to a song by Jimmy Buffet: “Breathe in, Breathe out, Move on.” Oh, yeah, always need to remind myself of this … or maybe for me, I’ll adjust it to say, “Breathe in, breathe out … take care of the situation … breathe in, breathe out … stop thinking about it … move on.” Love and Success, Sasha.
Friday, January 25, 2019
Meditation, for me, is sometimes calm-quiet, breathing in … breathing out, and other times, it’s an opening to messages. Last evening’s meditation had me contemplating peace.
“A Course in Miracles” says: “To have peace, teach peace,” but peace is more than just talk. People are always preaching peace, but it seems there is less and less peace in the world. There is so much violence and hatred in this country … I watch a lot of history shows, and the times and technology have changed, but the there are still similar issues happening today.
Peace is more than just a word. Peace is an action. To have peace, we must BE peace – in demeanor and heart. Being peace doesn’t mean we will never fight, sometimes it is necessary to fight; unfortunately, some war is necessary.) But for every day people living in our communities, we must practice peace.
Why isn’t there more peace? Why is violence escalating?
Because we are surrounded by it! People thrive on it, can’t seem to get enough of it! The negativity, violence, horror, and atrocities are pounded into us each day with everything wrong with this country and the world (OK, once in awhile there is a feel-good story). There are always wars somewhere with some faction wanting to take over other countries or whatever.
And it’s addictive! People love that adrenaline rush, that excitement in hearing and reading what is happening to others. They fill themselves with violent news, movies, TV programs, video games, and social media. Commercials yelling at you that their product is the best ever. (And what I hear about virtual reality machines that you put on your head – what does that do to your brain?)
Oh, it’s so exciting! And people can’t stop talking about it and spread it farther. Even techno music, with its unnatural beat, which is great for dancing or strenuous work, but to listen to it all the time with it pumping up your adrenaline – not healthy, it stresses the heart, body, and mind.
This continuous adrenaline pump keeping people pumped up all the time causes physical and mental stress. People are quick to anger, quick to violent acts … think about this. What’s this doing to kids? And we wonder why negativity and violence is escalating? Think about how you feel when reading the news. Think about what all this negativity does to your brainwaves, to your children’s brainwaves.
Is this what you really want in life? I hear people say how they enjoy the adrenaline highs … is this just another addiction? Can it be as bad as many of the other addictions if it’s spreading more negativity? If you’re on an almost continual adrenaline high, what affect is this having? And just with drugs, you start to need more and more? Think about this. Is this how you want to live?
So, what can we do? I, personally, don’t believe there can ever be world peace. We are human beings with all the humanist positives and negatives to deal with. There will always be those who want to take or control or destroy what someone else has. And, I believe (and I’m sure there are those who disagree), there are just some bad people for whom there is no hope. (Just look at these dictators and the Jim Jones’ and such.)
This past year I started being more conscious of living wholeheartedly. Part of this had me paying attention to situations that “riled me up.” Commercials yelling at me in excited voices. (And you can’t believe anything they tell you.) I refuse to listen to news (as much as I can). I stopped watching TV shows (even my favorite NCIS) that promoted the bad in the world and violence. I considered the music I listen to and added variety, so it’s not all energetic hype. Songs that are about violence or are nasty/ugly/hate-filled, I won’t listen to at all. I go on Facebook to check messages and comment on good things. I refuse to read all the hate stuff and will hide it. I don’t even want it showing on my timeline.
To be at peace, I need to live peacefully. That doesn’t mean life is perfect. Shit happens and even if I “lose it” at times, I am quicker to recover. I have practices to stop downward thinking. I have gathered affirmations to read over to help me cope with life. I have my writing and art, and gardens and indoor plants. I meditate and practice tai chi.
I believe peace starts small. Start with yourself and find what makes you feel at peace, share it with family, your neighborhoods and friends. Find ways to build peace locally, then move it out farther. Is life perfect? No, but if we all do a little, we can make our own part of the world better.
Note: But let me say, when I’m talking about negativity, this doesn’t include when someone is having a bad day or a personal issue they need to talk over. We all have down moments sometimes and need support from one another. Sometimes all we need is a kind a kind word, a bit of understanding, or a little advice.
Stay away from the negativity.
Spread peace in words and actions.
Friday, January 4, 2019
Thoughts on this morning's process gave me two of these lessons. Sometimes I already know these things, but I'll now see them in a different light.
564. Dear Divine Presence, Thank you for showing me that messages and answers don’t always come just in meditation. Sometimes movement (like with my morning exercise routine) stimulates the flow of thoughts, just as walking often brings on poems. What’s important is when the words come, I give them attention and write them down. Love and Success, Sasha.
565. Dear Divine Presence, Thank you for showing me that messages and thoughts come through in waves. The wave washes over me, then it’s gone. (I knew this, it’s just today I’m “seeing” it differently.) It’s important to take the time to stop what I’m doing and play in those waves. Love and Success, Sasha.