2019 – The Year of Discombobulation

"Beyond the Birches" pastel painting

The creative fires burned in volcanic proportions as I began my morning writing. I wanted to write and paint, and paint and write. I wanted to write about my painting. I wanted to write about new discoveries in myself and my art as I ready for the new year. I wanted to go in the studio and slap color on the latest painting. I wanted to describe the excitement that fills me at such times.

However, the creative eruption reverberating through my soul was quickly dampened when my attention was interrupted with work, a visit, a long phone conversation with my granddaughter, and kitties wanting attention. (Not that any of that was bad.) Then, I had to eat something, and by then, it was past noon; six hours since I’d come out of the bedroom.

The Muse was gone. (Sigh.) She doesn’t hang around if I’m not paying sole attention to her, and I so wanted to capture the fury while it was raging. I thought with that boiling magma, I’d fully explode if I couldn’t get the words down … but I didn’t get the words down and I didn’t explode. Instead, the lava bubbled up, dribbled over the edge, and quickly cooled. Now I’m left feeling like a busted pinata, the candies (words, ideas, and inspiration) scattered all over the floor. I’m trying to pick up the pieces. I so want that earlier excitement back!

Instead, let me write about “2019: The Year of Discombobulation.” Even though I didn't really make any New Years' Resolutions last January, I still had expectations -- like with art sales, accomplishments, and all that. However, the year has been all over the place.

Not that it's been a bad year. It just didn't go in the direction I imagined -- then again, without set goals, what could I expect? Sometimes I’m just the loose end of a rope flapping in the wind, and the wind can be fierce.

Routines I had set up fell totally apart. It seems every routine I had going into 2019 flew out the window and the ones I tried to set up during the year haven’t fared any better. Yes, I can be very spontaneous and go with the flow, however, I’m now finding interruptions and distractions are the new routine. (Hence, discombobulation.)

Let me catch myself before I fall down the rabbit hole of regrets and look at this from a positive view. Times change. We change. (I had a friend who always used to say, “The only constant in life is change.”) And life certainly does!

One of the biggest, and sometimes most difficult, is the slowing down, not only physically, but mentally. I no longer move as fast as I used to. I need to be more careful when moving so I don’t lose my balance. It takes longer to accomplish tasks and often I can’t finish a project in one go-round. I have to take breaks. Nor am I able to think and process as quickly as before, and I have a hard time understanding people who talk fast, especially with people on the phone.

And thus, this life journey takes another path. I’m exploring the nuances, finding new footing, seeing and hearing with more awareness, more thoughtfulness. The slowing down does that, makes me be more attentive; and in learning to embrace it, I make self-discoveries, which is always interesting.

The practice of living wholeheartedly keeps me on my toes as I work at staying positive as much as I can. And, if I do fall, I’m not letting myself hit bottom. Hmmm, maybe a gentle ebb and flow should be a 2020 goal. Learning to flow better mentally and physically.

Ah, maybe resilience is a word to add to my repertoire, too. Resilience goes with determination. However, I see determination as hard, with more force. Resilience is softer, more giving, more of a strength within the ebb and flow.

As I pass from one year into the next, I intend to enjoy life as much as I can. I continue to find beauty around me. My painting muse has returned and I’m eager to let the creative fires roar. Life is good!