I was journaling this morning looking back over my life. I wondered why I so easily slide down rabbit holes with my thoughts even though I know many tools to not do so. For most of my life, I wallowed more in the downside. This way, when good things did happen, they were surprisingly special moments.
These days I fight not to go that route. I don’t want to dwell on the negativity and have depressing daydreams. (If I don’t hold a tight rein on my thoughts, they easily turn to bad things happening.) Yet, I continue to try to practice positive thinking and creative visualization. But it IS a constant battle, especially these days with the country falling apart, fearmongering news, and so much horror happening.
Why do my thoughts always turn downward? Was it because, for most my life, it seemed things would definitely go wrong if I tried to think good thoughts? Therefore, if I thought badly, then good things were more noticeable. Is it because every time I get on a positive role, bad things happen?
I know, sounds stupid when I look at this, but this was exactly how I was, and I’m still fighting this today. Today, even though I am more sure and happy (for the most part) with who I am, I still fight the demons.
But why have I been this way?
If I look back on my life, I see a life well-lived. I did OK. Not perfect. I made lots of mistakes, needed help, struggled, failed and got up again. But that’s looking back from this distance of many, many years. When I lived those younger years, I was not a happy person. I was horribly unhappy. I was made fun of all through school.
I seldom got along well with others – because I didn’t want to do what most others were doing. Even as an adult and having kids, there was always something inside me rebelling against the norm. I wasn’t a typical wife, mother. Oh, I tried, but I just couldn’t, and it made for a miserable life. I always thought there was something horribly wrong with me because I didn’t want what others wanted… not that I knew what I wanted at the time…
I did the best I could, of course, and as I grew older, I studied all kinds of philosophies, some religions, took many self-help courses, read tons of self-help books and listened to audio recordings.
Did I find answers? Of course, every course I took, I thought that was the answer, but as time progressed, I realized it all was just following someone else’s beliefs and dictates. It was all herds of sheep following the leader of whatever was popular with new groups/cults starting up all the time.
There have been a couple times when I got up in someone’s charisma while attending a seminar or class. Sometimes the pull to join was so strong, but again, something within me fought it. (And because of those couple of times, I recognize the red flags now whenever some guru, leader, dictator, etc. pours on the charm and suckers people in. And this is proven throughout history!!!)
What I understand now about myself is that it was because I wasn’t a sheep. I wasn’t a follower. I’m not a leader, either. I am the odd duck, lone wolfe (pun intended). It seemed strange to me that we were taught to think for ourselves but later, when we did, I found we were being manipulated and herded – through advertisement, false promises of a better world/life, being saved by whomever, etc. – as whatever powers that be in the moment became incredibly wealthy off their followers.
One word that jumps out in my mind often these days is “Logical.” What happened to logic? If it’s not logical, if it doesn’t make sense, my hackles raise. My entire being silently screams, “NO Way!”
I continue to be a loner. I pull back more all the time, spend more time alone. I continue to get depressed over the state of the country. I never thought this country would succumb to this. But it makes me more sure that the path I choose is the right one… for me, anyway.
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