Self-Doubt Struggle

This bit of writing this morning stemmed from my telling myself I didn’t care about prize money being awarded. I just want to sell my paintings. But wait a minute! Why don’t I care about winning prize money? Is it because I don’t feel good enough to win a prize? That in competition with other artists, they will always be better than I or because they might be more well-known?

I love my paintings! I’m proud of what I accomplish. I want other people to love them, too. (I suppose others do like them as I had two stolen from an exhibit this year.) I truly believe my paintings deserve to go to new homes… and I keep telling myself I deserve to get paid for them!

Every painting holds a story – of the scene itself and my journey in recreating the beautiful landscape. I love that journey, which can be an emotional rollercoaster with the work going well and times when nothing seems to work in the moment. Most of the time, it comes together in the end, though there are some I don’t deem good enough to mat and frame.

So, what is my hesitation in submitting and participating in shows? Why is that such a struggle for me?

I’m not good at marketing. I admit that. I’ve tried to change how I think about marketing, and I know artists don’t force sell like other businesses which I see so much of it as shoving products down people’s throats (and lying to sell items). I just can’t do that. I can’t try to convince someone my painting would look wonderful in their home… Does this make me a wimp and my paintings won’t sell on their own beauty?

Am I afraid other artists and show jurors don’t see my work as good enough because I don’t take workshops, I’ve not gone to art school, and can’t say I studied with this master or that teacher? Is it because my name isn’t connected to many groups and places? Is it because I don’t list a bunch of alphabet soup letters after my name, so I’m not important or good enough?

It’s not like I’ve never taken any art classes because I have in the past. I just don’t anymore. These days, I do my own thing, make my own path, and I enjoy being this way. I figure things out for myself and will read articles on art, Pastel Journal editions, and more to pick up bits of information. I take feedback and suggestions and decide for myself what’s right for me. In the end, it’s important to me to follow my heart. I can’t do it any other way! My quest for living a creative, whole-hearted life means I do it my way.