Being Authentic

Some mornings I’m dragging and achy upon getting up. Other mornings I get up feeling good and eager to start the day. However, many of those good days take a downturn as time progresses, be it computer issues, pain, or something stressful buries me.

In these days where everyone is supposed to remain positive, should I admit that? Do I have to present a persona to others as if I have the best life even when I feel everything is falling apart?  (Or crashing in the moment.)

But I don’t want to pretend everything is hunky-dory when it isn’t. To me, that’s not living the truth and it creates secrets. Don’t get me wrong, I have a pretty good life, but, as life is, it isn’t perfect. I have good days and I have not-so-good days.

I want to live my truth – wholeheartedly – which means talking and writing about the not-so-good moments along with the successes. The importance is talking and writing about it without putting a woe-is-me spin on my demeanor.

It’s admitting pitfalls, but it’s also talking about resolving those issues. It’s saying I am such and such at the moment, while at the same time, considering options of what I can do to be better. It’s being open, honest, and brave enough to discuss a downside, then being strong enough to show how I can crawl out of those pits.

I watched "Open Studio with Jared Bowen" (PBS, recorded on Sept. 13). One of his interviews was with Billy Porter, Broadway performer, singer, and actor. I hadn’t heard of the guy before.

For some reason, I'm intrigued by gay guys and their flamboyancy. Being flamboyant is something I am not, which is probably why I’m fascinated ... then again, I love bright colors though I won’t wear them myself. But it just wasn’t about his outfits, I was also taken by what he had to say. 

He talked about being authentic. He said he "... no longer needs validation from the outside." Part of me laughed, thinking, isn't that why performers act? But I also understand what he means. He said he got tired of living up to expectations. He is now so sure of who he is on the inside, he can be free to be totally who he is. This is something I’m working on myself … to be free to be who I am, and it takes courage to say that out loud.

"I don't want to be unauthentic anymore," Porter stated.

This really resonates with me. I, too, strive to be authentic in my goal to live wholeheartedly, and I am certainly tired of feeling I need to live up to others' expectations. (Notice I said "... feeling I need to ..." because I know I don't have to, but there is still always a little piece of me wanting to please ... and those moments of guilt because I am not, and refuse to be, what others expect me to be.

Hearing someone put into words what I’m feeling makes me want to jump up and down with excitement. “See! See! I knew! This is what I feel, too!” It makes me stronger in knowing who I am and that I am not so all alone in my beliefs.