Being Good Enough for Myself

‘Do I want to be good enough or better than good enough?’ – Eric Rhoads

Eric Rhoads’ statement in his morning coffee chat blog of Sept. 15 struck a loud chord in me. It brought me back to my unfinished book projects and how, as long as they remain incomplete, a part of me remains unsuccessful.

A subsequent chat with my friend, Annette Vogel, stirred me even more. We were commenting on having fairly isolated lives, then going on trips and being around people. I like being a little isolated. I have my friends, but I really don't want to be around more than two or three people at a time -- even if I like them.

I’ve said for years I’ve had a fear of people. It wasn't about getting mugged or anything like that, but the energy of multiple people, and if they are talking loud, emotional, or angry ... it's draining. (I admit, too, growing up, I was ridiculed horribly by other kids which is another reason I’m people-shy.)

Annette was always telling me when I first started working for the newspaper, "Where are the people? Get people in your photos." So, when I did the trip in 2015 and planning to write a book about the adventure, I went out of my way, and actually made a point, to talk to individuals or couples. When out on trails, I'd stop and talk to others. I talked to hotel clerks, waitresses, other customers in restaurants, etc.

(I continue it these days when I go to stores -- I make a point to say a few words, offer a compliment to strangers. I enjoy the interaction. A little kindness goes a long way. It doesn't take much.)

Then a 2016 trip to Wichita, Kansas, happened before I could finish the 2015 book, then I sold my house and moved, then … one project after another pushed the book writing farther down the list.

I'd love to go south again for a trip. Or going west, I wouldn't mind visiting gardens again and seeing the Chain of Rocks Bridge. I'd like to see other sights and places, too. I could do it. If I wanted to. Part of me wants to, but because I didn't finish the last two books ... and writing is an important part of the traveling, I don’t want to go on another trip until I complete the last two. (Complete meaning get the books written!)

But I can't do it all. I can't write and paint and garden along with other things. It sounds easy. It sounds like, why not? Why can't I do all that? It sounds simple, but it isn't. Even putting together an email takes time, and the next thing I know, half the day is gone. 

It's funny, as much as I sometimes think I'm all together and know who I am, there are still these aspects ... and they weigh on me. I need to come to terms with these. I AM an Artist! which includes writing, painting, and the creativity in gardening. I'm not someone with one focus. It's exciting to bounce from one project to the next and I get a lot of little things done -- but big things, like books and paintings, get put on the back burner. 

Earlier this year I'd been thinking about just printing out the travel book pages and photos on my printer -- but that's not good enough. Even if I'm just doing one copy for myself, I want better than that. I deserve better than that! What was Eric Rhoads talking about this week? Quality. Quality work, quality papers, quality ink. I don't want to settle for less.

But it means so much more work! Blurb.com would probably be the easiest. That will be copy and paste and insert pictures -- but it's pricey. My “Too Cold for Alligators” was done through AuthorHouse (cost me a lot of money) and I had to do all the set up in Open Office because Word wouldn't handle that many pages in a manuscript. I don't want to deal with Open Office again. It's a pain in the neck to transfer, plus, I'd have to re-learn all over again. No matter what I do, it's going to cost -- but I want it. I sooooo want it!

I need a personal assistant, ha-ha, that could do that kind of stuff. Which would free me up to work on new stuff. I want this. Badly. If I don't get this done, this will put me back into the failure realm. I've said this before ... and see, it comes up again. I have to do this! Have to, have to, have to! WANT to! This is holding me back from feeling success. And I AM Successful! Again, I have to do this.