On Being Old 2: The Need for Simplicity and Consistency

Another thing I’m coming to realize about being older is the necessity for simplicity and consistency. I find these days I easily get confused when forms are complicated with a lot of reading involved. Trying to decipher directions can often be confusing (like directions on how to put things together. How often is it almost impossible to follow those?) Of course, those writing the directions understand them.

I remember years ago my husband and I trying to assemble a TV/stereo cabinet. We finally had to throw the directions aside and figure it out on our own.

Then there’s what I call my BS meter. My brain totally shuts down with frustration when I feel I’m being forced to do something that doesn’t make sense. Or having to repeat – like every time when I go to the dentist having to fill out the same forms. “Nothing changed since the last time I was here. Why do I have to do this again?”

Or, at the doctor’s when they make you fill out a form, then you get in the office, you’re asked the same questions you just filled out on the form. (One reason I haven’t been to a doctor in 30 years. Wow, has it been that long? Yes.)

This past week was dealing with some income tax issues and I spent three days in tears. I was so confused when the accountant sent me a multiple page IRS directive with a form to fill out which I’d never seen. Isn’t that why I pay an accountant? To do these things for me?

They set up all these programs for seniors … what about just making things less complicated? Simplicity and consistency will help a lot. 

Another Letter to the Editor published in the InterTown Record

On Being Old: Speaking out about being old

I read a story in AARP magazine about a series of murders and robberies of well-off elderly women living alone in independent living communities in Texas. This had been going on for several years with the housing officials declaring their deaths as “natural causes” in spite of relatives reporting their loved ones had been robbed.

There was also a short article on “When Ageism Kills.” Robert Love, editor in chief, said, “It has been called the last acceptable prejudice…” 

This further got me thinking of the plight of older p0eople. Why should we get pushed under the rug because we are retired with health and body declining? Why should we have to pay more for groceries because we’re no longer feeding a family and smaller packaging is more expensive than family-sized? It’s like being punished for being old and alone. Plus, older people eat less.

For an example, places like Shaw’s offers sales on items if you buy five or more. What would older people do with five boxes of pasta (or any product) that might take months to use up, let alone needing more space to store these extras?

Older people are not all the same. Some are in better health than others, but it seems most are all treated as not having any worth – unless they’re very active in community projects. So much focus and programs go towards families with children … which is fine as they need help, too. But it’s like the elderly get written off almost as if they are no longer important. 

Then, older people have to go out of their way to seek help, sign up for elderly services, etc. And, dealing with Medicare or any insurance is not easy, no matter how easy they make it sound. It’s a nightmare, and each year to be hounded by insurance companies trying to get you to change providers is harassment in my book.

I know, I know, younger people don’t want to hear the plight of the elders. I was there once. I remember thinking, “I don’t want to think about being old. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.” Well, I’m there and it’s not easy, especially being a mostly stay-at-home person.

I believe this is a topic that needs to be more openly talked about. Older people shouldn’t have to be afraid or ashamed to discuss their issues. What happened to “Respect your elders?”

This was originally published as a Letter to the Editor in the InterTown Record newspaper. We decided to continue, and it’s turned into a weekly column.

Comments on “Rick Steves’ Art of Europe” series

"Winter Comes to the River" WIP pastel painting

Last night I watched the last two episodes of PBS’ “Rick Steves’ Art of Europe.” It was an eye-opening six-part series from the beginning with the art of cave dwellers to today’s amazing development of street art on the walls of buildings. The show just wasn’t about paintings and sculptures but covered architecture, too.

I love the history and it was interesting to see how art changed over the ages as the opportunity to create grew. Of course, some of the earliest of grandiose art was instituted by the pharaohs of Egypt creating grand art. Oh, those pyramids and statues with tombs full of art pieces.

And I’ve always been intrigued by Greek and Roman styles (having studied Latin for three years in high school). Much of the art was religious depicting various gods and goddesses. When Christianity came to the fore, besides bible scenes, the art included hideous depictions of what happens to nonbelievers.

Art became more grandiose with only the super wealthy and the church able to afford it, and while the magnificence is stunningly beautiful, I am turned off by it. To me, it’s too much. While it’d be fascinating to see castles for the architecture, I, personally, would not want to see all the opulence of the great halls, churches, and cathedrals. Too much to take in all at once with humongous works making individuals seem so small. (I know, that was the point.) It just seems to me that all that gold could be put to better uses. It’s just too much, as I said.

My favorite episode was the last one, Modern. This was when art became more about the regular, everyday people, their work, and landscapes. Art that peasants could afford. That’s not saying I like all styles, but that’s what I love about art. We can be individuals and establish our own styles. Art does evolve.

I wish they’d do an episode like this on art in the U.S.

PS: The painting I'm working on is from a photo reference courtesy Duane Wheeler.

Staying Wholehearted Has Become Impossible

How do I stay wholehearted when I’m angry and sad over the state of the country and world? I almost feel there’s no hope… (and I know many people will denounce me for that statement.) But I feel what I feel and believe what I believe.

Maybe I shouldn’t admit this, and it is MY opinion, but I totally believe our current government is out to destroy this country! I believe all these shortages and so-called supply chain issues are made up to bring American citizens to their knees. Hard working taxpayers are becoming the new slaves.

I know, I know, sometimes there are problems, but I fully believe a lot of what’s going on now is about government and big-business takeover. Those in power are jockeying for position. Nothing that’s going on is about helping American CITIZENS. Break people’s spirits and they will topple. The wedges drive people farther apart. It’s almost like we’re dissolving into tribes again. Look at the past and see the similarities to then and now.

I watch a lot of history shows and read books and articles on history. Since the beginning, every civilization has come to an end and a new civilization comes forward. Maybe it’s our time to fall. Two thousand years is about the norm, and we’re getting there. Look at the Egyptians, Romans, Aztecs, Chinese dynasties, and many other cultures. For a while they had great societies with great leaders, then came the fall. History repeats!

And yes, there are always struggles with depressions and recessions. Some countries conquer others and turn those conquered into slaves. Some countries eventually rebel against their government when their leaders become too corrupt and greedy.

The histories also include religions. Again, I will cause controversy with what I say, but everything I’m seeing and reading has me seeing religion as another way to control people. Religion has always been a factor in wars and control, too.

Yes, I believe there’s something greater than us – whether a God, or many gods or spirits, or whatever. Yes, I pray every day and night. However, I don’t believe in the what I call “man-made” religions where certain MEN have determined how a certain religion should be.

Just look at how different religions have changed over time. How often have people been brainwashed (again, my wording) using fear that if they don’t follow certain dictates, they will suffer horrors in the afterlife. People are taught that anything that goes against what their particular religion dictates is the work of Satan or the uncleansed or whatever words used by the religious.

Do I have answers? No. All I know is what I’m seeing and coming to understand about life. Whenever someone tells me what I should do or believe, I’m questioning the why. Who does it benefit? Words are words too easily believed. I now look at the actions and attitudes of those making the speeches. Too often they are not practicing what they preach which makes me wonder who’s really benefiting from the dictates. (There’s little difference between dictates and dictator.)

“Follow the money” is a phrase we should all be paying attention to. Again, who’s benefiting.

I wonder when the box cars will come for those of us who dare to speak out.

I’m already grieving the loss of life as I once knew and believed in. I’m scared. My heart has been broken so many times, I don’t know if I can ever feel wholehearted again. How sad is that.

Sometimes Life’s Burdens Get Too Heavy

The burdens that no one else can help me with are getting too soul crushing. I can hire someone to do heavy lifting and such, but there are personal things that I alone have to deal with… like IRS taxes… and I just can’t get my brain wrapped around it.

Last year, my accountant retired, and I waited too long to find a new one. I settled on a guy after everyone else I’d called wasn’t taking new clients.

The guy I dealt with charged me so much money (and he creeped me out). I can’t afford his astronomical prices. He’s more than double other accountants, and this year, he’s already added yet another form and another charge (which is due by Jan. 31). I don’t even want to face him or hear his voice. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. For someone who doesn’t come out ahead at all, to pay that price is just highway robbery as far as I’m concerned – some business professional making a lot of money off someone who has little.

The pressure is getting to be too much. I’m at a loss at what to do. I’ve spent the last three days in off and on tears and today isn’t any better. I didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning. I so totally understand why people choose to go homeless or commit suicide. Sometimes the weight of life’s complications gets too hard to bear.

This is one of the disadvantages of being alone. There’s no one to share the burden with. Everything falls on my shoulders. These past two years have had almost more heartache than joy. This past year alone, I’ve had paintings stolen, been scammed for a lot of money, had to put my beloved Pele-kitty down, and had my credit card compromised for over $1,000. Even the simple joy of feeding the birds has stopped because I can’t deal with the rodents.

Yes, I have a couple of good friends who offer support, for which I’m very thankful, but it’s still up to me to handle this all – alone. And yes, I choose to be alone, but sometimes…

And, I’ll admit, being older, my brain doesn’t handle stress well anymore. When people talk fast, my brain can take it all in. I easily get confused, frustrated, and angry especially when it comes to reading what I call crap and having to fill out forms. And, having to make phone calls and deal with all the automated messaging crap sends me over the edge and I turn into a screaming lunatic before I can get to a “real” person.

Right now, any joy I have in life has disappeared. I feel like a bottle cap (with all it’s sharp edges) floating in stormy seas that threaten to sink her. And the waters are getting rougher and there’s no land in sight. When does one give up fighting?

They say you have to make your own happiness, and for years, I was doing well with that. I’ve had good times, done good things, and gotten much enjoyment out of life, but these days, the bad overcomes any good. I had hoped 2023 would be a change for the better, but it’s not starting out that way.

I guess I was wrong in thinking, when I moved here, I was setting myself up to have an easier life and enjoy my final years (however many years that would be.) However, coasting I am not. It’s turned into a super hard, icy decline full of sharp rocks that cut me to the core. (And because of my choice to be alone, there’s no one to hold me in these times and tell me everything’s going to be alright.)

Many people handle things better than others. I’m not handling this well at all these days. It makes me wonder. Did Mum cry a lot? I think I only ever saw her in tears once or twice. If she did cry, she hid it from me. I wish I could ask her, talk to her about stuff. Funny, because I used to think we talked about most anything, but I realize now she kept a lot of secrets.

Me, I’ve never been able to hold back tears. I grew up being called cry-baby, too sensitive, and too emotional. I can’t help it. I FEEL things deeply and can’t hide it.

And I wonder if this is why many people turn to alcohol and drugs. They can’t deal with life’s issues. I could never go that route, though, because my body makes me sick if I have more than one drink and getting high isn’t enjoyable as the couple times I’ve tried, it just makes me feel icky. I’ve always said that’s my body’s way of or my higher power keeping me from going down that road. I’m glad I’ve never been tempted to go that route.

So, I plow on through the furrows of life dealing with mud and ice and snow. And, with all this, I don’t even have any motivation to go in the studio and paint. 

Love, Belonging, Being Alone

I continue the topic of love, of not feeling loved, not feeling I can ever fully love again…

Something else came to me the other night: Mum always had me. I was always so close to her. Yeah, I may not have always been exactly how she wanted me to be, but I was there for her as she was always there for me... until the end when I couldn't handle it anymore and had to let her go. (Another guilt -- that I couldn't be who she wanted me to be.) But she always had me, and I always had her... until I didn't.

Hmmm... is this it? Am I punishing myself because I feel I threw my mother away when I couldn't care for her anymore? (Which really isn't totally true -- I didn't throw her away even though part of me feels I did... all that past, low self-esteem crap and such.) But I couldn't. I just couldn't. As much as I keep saying I want to be alone, is there a part of me that doesn't feel I deserve to be loved? Because I feel I wasn’t the daughter she wanted me to be?

I know, this isn't it exactly and there are other reasons I choose to be alone. It's not that I deserve to be alone. I really DO choose to be alone. 'Though it can be lonely. But I don't have time or energy to put into "being" with someone. I'm no longer willing to compromise, to give up part of myself to please someone else (which was how I always felt I had to be.) And, even saying this makes me feel guilty.

And, with some of this, I’m not just talking about Mum. I’m also talking about the guys I’d been in love with throughout my life and how I felt I could never be me around anyone. It felt I was always having to dance to someone else’s tune… but this is another story.

Life IS complicated! It's not all black and white. Nuances, circumstances, situations all play a part in life. I still miss my mum so much. Especially with it coming up on the anniversary of her passing, Christmas Day 2011.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and family and… but I choose to be alone. I can’t even fathom being with anyone. Ten years and I’m still broken.

 

Lacking the Giving Gene

 

A topic that’s always on my mind this time of year is what to do about Christmas gifts. It’s weird, but I’ve struggled with this my entire life. It’s not that I don’t want to give, it’s about knowing what to give. Most the time, the effort of going out to find what to give torments me and causes me heartache and guilt.

My mother never had this problem. She loved giving and would start buying gifts in January for the following year. Whenever she’d be out shopping and see something she just knew so and so would love, she’d buy it and put it away until Christmas. She always seemed to know what others would want.

I’m not like that. I don’t enjoy shopping… heck, I don’t even like shopping for myself! I am not a happy shopper at all! I am tormented by things like, if I spend this amount on this person, I have to do the same for the next. I don’t know why my brain gets so befuddled. I was like this when I was young, too.

These later years, I’ve toyed with not giving at all, then break down and send something. I like to get a couple gifts, too, but that’s not the reason to give. Every year this turmoil eats at me. If I buy you a $25 gift certificate and you buy me a $25 gift certificate, what’s the point?

I don’t understand it. It’s like there’s something deep inside me that’s been so hurt throughout my entire life that I am damaged forever. This ties into the love issue, too, and that’s a topic I don’t even know how to talk about. I’m hoping the words will come some day so I can figure it out.

Once again, family and I decided not to give to one another this year, yet the guilt within me builds. There are a few I HAVE to buy for because I can’t not give. But I don’t KNOW what to give/send them! Of course, I can come up with excuses, however, it doesn’t make me feel any better.