Lacking the Giving Gene

 

A topic that’s always on my mind this time of year is what to do about Christmas gifts. It’s weird, but I’ve struggled with this my entire life. It’s not that I don’t want to give, it’s about knowing what to give. Most the time, the effort of going out to find what to give torments me and causes me heartache and guilt.

My mother never had this problem. She loved giving and would start buying gifts in January for the following year. Whenever she’d be out shopping and see something she just knew so and so would love, she’d buy it and put it away until Christmas. She always seemed to know what others would want.

I’m not like that. I don’t enjoy shopping… heck, I don’t even like shopping for myself! I am not a happy shopper at all! I am tormented by things like, if I spend this amount on this person, I have to do the same for the next. I don’t know why my brain gets so befuddled. I was like this when I was young, too.

These later years, I’ve toyed with not giving at all, then break down and send something. I like to get a couple gifts, too, but that’s not the reason to give. Every year this turmoil eats at me. If I buy you a $25 gift certificate and you buy me a $25 gift certificate, what’s the point?

I don’t understand it. It’s like there’s something deep inside me that’s been so hurt throughout my entire life that I am damaged forever. This ties into the love issue, too, and that’s a topic I don’t even know how to talk about. I’m hoping the words will come some day so I can figure it out.

Once again, family and I decided not to give to one another this year, yet the guilt within me builds. There are a few I HAVE to buy for because I can’t not give. But I don’t KNOW what to give/send them! Of course, I can come up with excuses, however, it doesn’t make me feel any better.