Love, Belonging, Being Alone

I continue the topic of love, of not feeling loved, not feeling I can ever fully love again…

Something else came to me the other night: Mum always had me. I was always so close to her. Yeah, I may not have always been exactly how she wanted me to be, but I was there for her as she was always there for me... until the end when I couldn't handle it anymore and had to let her go. (Another guilt -- that I couldn't be who she wanted me to be.) But she always had me, and I always had her... until I didn't.

Hmmm... is this it? Am I punishing myself because I feel I threw my mother away when I couldn't care for her anymore? (Which really isn't totally true -- I didn't throw her away even though part of me feels I did... all that past, low self-esteem crap and such.) But I couldn't. I just couldn't. As much as I keep saying I want to be alone, is there a part of me that doesn't feel I deserve to be loved? Because I feel I wasn’t the daughter she wanted me to be?

I know, this isn't it exactly and there are other reasons I choose to be alone. It's not that I deserve to be alone. I really DO choose to be alone. 'Though it can be lonely. But I don't have time or energy to put into "being" with someone. I'm no longer willing to compromise, to give up part of myself to please someone else (which was how I always felt I had to be.) And, even saying this makes me feel guilty.

And, with some of this, I’m not just talking about Mum. I’m also talking about the guys I’d been in love with throughout my life and how I felt I could never be me around anyone. It felt I was always having to dance to someone else’s tune… but this is another story.

Life IS complicated! It's not all black and white. Nuances, circumstances, situations all play a part in life. I still miss my mum so much. Especially with it coming up on the anniversary of her passing, Christmas Day 2011.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and family and… but I choose to be alone. I can’t even fathom being with anyone. Ten years and I’m still broken.