Lacking a sense of belonging

People often talk about a sense of belonging. What a sense of belonging means for me is: Home, memories, love of family, comfort, childhood friends, the explorations along woodland paths and through fields, easier and less stressful times, etc.

(Photo caption: George and Marge Brewster( my parents.)

I’m sure my parents had a lot of stress trying to provide, but they never complained about it to me and my brother. Dad had a big garden (or two) every year. Late summer evenings after pickings, the family would sit shelling peas, snapping beans, shucking corn and more, which would be frozen for winter use. Dad also hunted and we all fished and went clamming to further supplement the freezer.

I was happier when we lived at the first house (the first house I remember, which is gone now). We moved to a new house that my dad built a little farther up the street when I started junior high school. The couple of friends I had were never in the same classes as I. For some reason, I couldn’t seem to get along with kids from the more affluent communities. 

I was the country hick, came from the wrong side of town – although there wasn’t really a wrong side of town. We lived on a beautiful, tree-lined street. There weren’t any rundown houses. Everyone had nice yards, et al.

I grieved over what I did wrong. Why didn’t anyone like me? Was I such a horrible person? (I always blamed myself and as I grew into a teenager and young adult, I grew to hate myself.)

I could never figure out why I couldn’t get along with others. I was ridiculed throughout my entire school life. No one wanted to play with me. Some would throw things at me on the bus. I was laughed at. Even my brother made fun of me. (Years later when we became friends, he said it was because Dad always teased him.)

When I was 30 years old, I officially changed my name to try to escape the old me who was never liked.

I realize I’ve not had that sense of belonging in my adult life others talk about. Yes, the various places I’ve lived throughout the years were called home, but none had that deep-seated sense of belonging. They were just places where I lived. I feel like the end of a rope flopping in the breeze with no ties. (Which I know isn’t really true.)

 That’s not saying I’ve had a bad life, it’s just I just feel like I’ve never belonged. And, every group I’ve ever joined, I grew disillusioned with. I turned into more of a loner.

Occasionally these past few years, that sense of belonging has passed through my mind from time to time, but I didn’t dwell on it. There was too much to do, too much work to accomplish and all that. Yet, when I look back on my entire life, I’ve done some very interesting things, tried various ventures … funny how late in life, I’ve found my way and became an editor of a newspaper and an artist.

Maybe these feelings are arising more because I am alone (a choice for which there is a price.) I now think of the town I grew up in, and all those comforting memories come back. Every time I think of a library, it’s not the current one of which I am a member, but the Kensington Public Library. I still remember how it smelled back in the ‘60s; that dusky, old aroma still resonates in my soul and brings back happy memories of all those books and Mrs. Blodgett, the librarian.

It’s funny how we realize things later in life. Now I realize there was always a part of me that was very much a loner. I don’t blame people; I just didn’t want to do things the other kids were doing or exactly like they were doing it … and maybe that’s why the didn’t like me.

Yes, there were times when I had fun with others, but there was always that part of me that had to follow my own path. I found my happiness out in the woods, mostly off on my own. I loved following old logging trails and exploring nature.

Now, in my 70s, I often wonder about moving back, but I know, you can never go back. It’s different now. My brother, sister-in-law and I drove down there a few years ago. While some things have changed, there were aspects remembered and memories stirred.

 

Floral Glimpses

 

Floral Glimpses

 April 10 to June 10, 2025

9 x 11 ¼ on BFK white paper

The initial tracing for this had been done a long time ago, and I finally decided to do it. I taped it to an easel and used a couple shades of green pan pastel to lay in some background color. I then had to redraw a couple lines that partially disappeared. Surprisingly, a title came to me right away.

Over the next week or so, I did a little more. I added a little darker green behind the top right flower, then just for the fun of it, I made a couple of swaths with pink on the petals even though I’m not ready to tackle those yet. I added dark and lighter greens to the upper flower, then pink on some of the petals. It’s a start. 

One day, coming in from working in the yard, I stood admiring the wall of already-finished floral paintings and had an idea. What if, before I get multiple layers on the painting, I use pencils to put sharper lines along the edges of the petals? So, I did, doing the pink petals and the purple. Then while at it, I also delineated the dark background leaves which I’d put in the other day using a lighter green.

I liked it and will have to remember to do that with all the florals as I trace the outlines to get the shapes right. Unfortunately, after the gardening work, I was too achy to stand and do more painting.

April 23: Two stints on this in the studio, over an hour; refining, coloring, and more. I’m always amazed when I discover little aspects I hadn’t noticed before. It makes me wonder about the background. Darn, as always, I should’ve done more in the beginning. (photo 7936)

I was pretty much done with the top flower and had all the others colored in. Now it was down to the details. I started to play around with raindrops. (photo 7938)

Looking at the progress photo next morning, I decided I liked the lighter far background. It gives more depth. I needed to do more lost and found edges… some lines needing more definition, like the outer tips of petals.

So, I went in the studio and began further defining edges using pencils. I worked left to right, starting with the purple flowers, then up to the big pink, and even redoing the buds at the very top. I added more shading and better definitions. In the end, I worked on the top flower, which I thought I’d finished yesterday. Again, it’s about better definition and shading. 

I signed it, then realized I hadn’t done rain drops. Of course, the layers are too thick to get a clear drop, so I sprayed workable fixative to see if that will help. Another idea would be to use a tortillon to take off areas where I’d like to put a drop of water. I also tried using a kneaded eraser and a darker pink pencil to add depths to the sides of the raindrops.  

May 13: I moved this to the sit-down easel, used a charcoal pencil to define some edges. I also used a light pink to create more brightness in the petals. After reading about using an electric eraser for the raindrops, I gave it a try. I did some quick preliminary work. I’ll need to add more eraser and define the shadows of the drops.

May 27: Redid the light blue-green background. Smudged other background into tight places, then had to redo all petal and leaf edges. In the end, I did away with the raindrops. (photo 8428)

May 28: Nan said the two purple flowers in the lower right, with the white rings around the centers look like two eyes. Of course, when she said that, I could see it … and once you become aware of it, you can’t not see it. I scribbled the top of another just below which I’ll detail later.

June 15: Used alcohol on a brush to “wash” the dark background areas. (After attending an art reception the night before and seeing an artist use alcohol on her background during a paint-around.) Oops, I have to watch for runniness – though some people say they let the runs add to their paintings.

Nan again said the two purple flowers looked like eyeballs and suggested I make the very bottom one much bigger. So, after changing the light teal on the right side into darker green, I started reworking that smaller purple blossom I’d added on the lower left. I made it bigger, moved it to the right a little more, but those two flowers above it still looked like eyeballs. Adding that smaller flower then made it look more like a face with the center like a nose.

I wiped it off and redid it as a pink flower, but again, it all still looked like a face. So, I decided to make the second purple flower from the left more like the upper right-side pink flower. I went back and forth in the studio FOUR more times trying to get it right. Each time, I found faults. At least those three flowers are not looking like a face now, but …

June 21: I woke thinking about cropping and inch from the bottom. So, when I got up, I went in the studio and put another strip of tape lightly across the top of the previous to see if I like better. I did and called it finished.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Morning After the Storm

 

Morning After the Storm

 Pastel painting, 9 ½ x 14 inches.

 After dealing with shoveling 5 inches of snow, I came back inside to see Tara Holdner had posted a photo. I was intrigued by the sun on the distant shoreline of the river, and the blues of the foreground were calling me to see what I could do with this as a pastel painting. I asked and received permission to use her photo for a reference.

I printed a colored and a grayscale photo. Trying to pick out a focal point was a challenge. My eye was drawn to many aspects of the scene. I pulled out a sheet of BFK Rives white paper and cut it into sections choosing a 10 x 14 ½ inch piece, then taped it to an easel. I used charcoal pencils to start the composition, then a bigger piece of vine charcoal to add in more depths to the trees.

 

I next used soft Sennelier pastels to do the sky and put in hints of color in the river. I reworked the shoreline a bit to “flatten” the mid-range area to create better background distance.

 The beginning work is always a bit iffy as I try to figure things out.

For the next few weeks, I’d spend an hour or so at a time working on this. I struggled with the vanishing point and the distance between tree lines and shorelines. My intent is never to totally replicate the photograph. I only use the photo for reference. I constantly try to get detail better, ripples in the water, shadows, bright areas versus dark. Then, there are times when Tuli-kitty wants me to hold her while I’m trying to paint. She can be quite a pest.

By mid-February, it was all about detail. I really struggled with the two dark open-water oval pools on the right. I put in more orange in the sunlit trees, used various shades of blue pastels and a charcoal pencil on more defined lines and trees. I signed it. Is it done?

A day later, I did a couple more touch ups – worked the reflections, redid sky … why had dark dust had gotten into it? I also worked more on the foreground, water movement, and bushes.