Lessons from the Past

The past few days, my morning pages have been interrupted by inner emotional ramblings and I feel I'm reaching a bit of a breakthrough in self understanding. 

The past helps make us who we are and what we are. Yes, there are still choices, but getting a better understanding of the past can help us move past any old hurts. Being able to talk about things to one another helps us also understand one another. That doesn’t mean we have to agree or like, but the stories help in understanding and with understanding comes better tolerance and acceptance.

And yes, there are times when we have to let go the past to move on. Sometimes, though, issues resurface, and when they do, what are the lessons to learn?

When the past pops up, which can drop me back into some extremely unhappy times, I also know I’m on the verge of a breakthrough. I still haven’t quite grasped it yet, but it’s close to my fingertips. I’m understanding myself better which in turn opens me to better understand others. (Too bad I am in my late years when coming to these realizations, ha-ha.)

But maybe that’s part of what wisdom is all about. I am able to release old grudges and hurts because I now have that wisdom of life to help me see how the past has made me who I am, and to accept this is who I am. This is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. We were not all made to be sheep. If we were, we’d all have preprogrammed robot brains.

The big thing is in recognizing that I have never been a follower, a sheep, part of the herd. Every time I’ve tried, I end up in a crash and burn. There’s always been something inside me that rebelled and refused to jump on popular bandwagons or buckle down to others telling me what I should be doing. That feeling can turn almost into a physical reaction when I’m being pushed towards something my inner being is rebelling against.

And, of course, that has caused tremendous inner anguish, especially when I was much younger and couldn’t fit in with my peers. There has always been some super strong conviction that makes me feel sick when I’m being forced to do or can’t agree to something. Which doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it’s just not right for me.

Unfortunately, those feelings and inner reactions often put me on the outskirts and makes me a loner, never fully belonging to anything. But, every time I sit here in tears over one thing or another, I know there’s something I’m learning.

And what keeps coming forth strongly is: It is OK to me! I don’t have be like everyone else. I don’t have to be a sheep. It’s OK to celebrate being an odd duck and thinking for myself.

When I think thusly, a content sense of something greater settles over me filling me with an inner peace and telling me I AM OK being me.