This is what stirred in me on Saturday
Again, writing morning pages, stuff deep inside stirs as I write about Friday.
This morning, I’m hitting on how I feel like all my pulling away from people is to protect myself. I first realized this is what I was doing when Mum was declining and clinging to me. However, now that I’m thinking about this, I’ve been doing this for a long, long time now and not realizing what it was. (And now I wonder, too, if this is what Mum did… in the end, there was only her and I.)
Of course, an old-friend’s words echo back to me as she’d always say, “It’s all about me.” She started that when that term started became popular, but with her saying it, I knew it was a put-down on me and how she felt about me. (She’s always been some kind of a do-gooder, but that’s not who I am. Oh, I want to be good. I’m just not personally into being… drat, I don’t have the words here… one of those… well, I just call them save-the-world-do-gooders, those who run to others’ sides to help them.
The bottom line is it IS all about me! I’ve had to protect myself from a young age my entire life. (Though I never realized that was what I was doing.) Maybe that’s what’s made me what I am, how I am, and who I am.
I’ve never vocally or physically fought back or argued. I’ve never told her how her snide comments made me feel less than and unworthy. I’ve never been able to outwardly defend myself. I just built inner walls and hid… and in many aspects, at least in physical company with others, the walls are getting thicker. I only have a couple people I feel I can be totally safe and open with.
And yes, I do feel guilty about that, but there’s something inside me that creates a volcanic, emotional, overwhelming… fear/anxiety... that makes all my walls come crashing down. I just can’t… go to funerals or do other of those kinds of supports, for instance. And yet, someone can sit one on one with me and tell me their darkest secrets, and I can handle that. How weird.
Maybe it’s because all my life I’ve had to stand strong on some things because I felt so put-down-upon on so much. The few times I’ve tried to put myself out there with groups have been complete failures. I am the odd duck and not a sheep. I don’t fit in with the herds… and don’t want to.
I’m not calling others wrong. They have the right to their
beliefs. I just can’t do and/or participate when my entire being is screaming
no. Pulling back and isolating is the only thing I can do to not bend to
others’ wills when everything inside me is rebelling. I can’t live to others’
expectations.
Yeah, I’m still trying to figure it out. Maybe part of me always felt… how do I describe it… there’s just been something inside me that slams inner doors shut when I don’t feel safe. So, I need to alienate myself to protect that individualism, my uniqueness.
I’m still learning about it. Is it being selfish? But we don’t all have to be the same. Why do I have to be in the wrong just because I don’t want to be like others?
My mind is whirling around… there’s some kind of a breakthrough close, but I’m not there yet…
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