Today is one of those days where, by writing about my woes and wondering about life lessons, I had an instance where “something” came through to me. This something doesn’t happen often, but when it does, gladness fills my heart and I feel a reinvigorated.
I have no real name for it and have called it many things: Great Spirit, God, Divine Presence, Spirit Guides, Creative Muses. Maybe someday I’ll know the who, but it usually doesn’t feel like it comes from any one spirit or from any one particular place. Suddenly, I’m just being filled, and I know it’s some kind of message.
“Pain shared is pain halved." Out of the blue, that quote came to me as I sat here in tears while writing about my current depression. It was more than just a thought; it was like the words were spoken directly to me. A simple quote, then the “presence” was gone leaving my mind brimming with words to expand on that phrase and my current emotional state.
Wow, I’d been depressed most the day yesterday and all last night! The whole thing with the scamming and thievery, which is escalating every day, and no one can seem to do anything about it, has put me on the ledge. The sword is getting too heavy to bear. (Is this another aspect of growing old?)
So, I was sitting here worrying about my computer. I'm afraid to do anything, look up anything on Google, FB, place any orders, etc. I’m even hesitant to send emails. Plus, I hate that I can't answer my phone -- I must get two-four scam calls daily.
Lately, I’ve forgotten what it is like to be happy. The negative outweighs the positive by a lot these days. Then I thought about what does make me happy. My only shining lights are a couple of awesome friends, kitties Tuli and Leo, my writing and my painting. (Writing that last line makes me see there is a lot that makes me happy.) However, the dark clouds keep closing in more and more.
And I don't want to have to keep bothering anyone with my woes. So, having that quote come to me lifted me. Came to me as I needed to hear it, I guess... and then I thought: I don't want anyone to have to share even half my pain. And yet, it is this very thing that I feel is one of my purposes in life -- not that I do it a lot -- but it's that anyone can tell me their darkest story and I will listen without judgement and only offer what simple words of wisdom I might have without making them feel they’re wrong by telling.
For some of us, there are times when a story needs to be told over and over before we can finally let it go or be OK about it. It's about processing our experiences in life. It's a sharing and being witnessed. It's not about having someone "save" us or tell us what to do; it's just being listened to with compassion.
As I’m working on yesterday’s morning pages, and going over how everything seems to go wrong and wondering about the lesson, I thought: What if the lesson is that by my openly talking about my depression, others dealing with similar feelings might not feel so alone?
The sharing can open the door to light. Sometimes, someone else’s words can show us something about ourselves we weren’t acknowledging. Sometimes, having someone else see/hear us and not condemn us for thinking sad thoughts is all we need to put our boots back on and get to work.
The last thing (and something I fear) is always sounding like a woe-is-me person. I just have to balance the writing/talking about the sadness with something positive – like today I wrote a beautiful poem, or I made progress on a painting, or I discovered such and such, or Tuli and/or Leo…
Today, I am happy to have made a breakthrough emotionally. I’ve gained a better understanding of who I am and why.
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