Context or Intent

Brene Brown posted this quote which set my wheels a-spinning:

“Toxic positivity is forced, false positivity. It may sound innocuous on the surface, but when you share something difficult with someone and they insist that you turn it into a positive, what they’re really saying is, ‘My comfort is more important than your reality.’”  -- Dr. Susan David, author of “Emotional Agility.”

Two trains of thoughts immediately ran through my mind. One was, yes, I’ve had that happen to me often when I’ve tried to talk various issues. The second was wondering how often I have done that to others. Maybe … but I don’t think so and hope not … because I’ve too often been on that receiving end.

For instance, I’ve brought up topics with someone before and received those words which felt, to me, like a brush off. “Think positive” can be a good reminder, but sometimes it feels more like a polite term for other, more snappy retorts such as “Get over it!” “Move on!” “Grow up!” “You’re too sensitive!” “Don’t take it so personal!” (Can you tell I’ve heard all that in the past?) In other words, comments that make it feel like the person I’m talking to doesn’t really care. Or they offer all kinds of advice trying to “fix” me because they see me as not being good enough or not living up to their expectations.

 (Yes, I know we all have issues and sometimes we don’t want to hear about someone else’s.)

 I don’t expect someone else to solve my problems or tell me what to do, but I’m the type of person who believes being able to talk things over with another person helps me decide what’s best for me. They may offer suggestions I’d not considered, or just a simple comment, whether it’s something I agree with or not, could help me to choose a direction. Often just talking out loud or writing to someone helps me find my own way.

And sometimes being told to “Think positively” IS a needed reminder if we start wallowing in negative or sliding into a little self-pity. Those two simple words could be all it takes to get us to crawl out of whatever hole we’ve fallen in. Yeah, I’ve been there, too. Sometimes life can be horribly overwhelming, and we need words of encouragement.

And maybe sometimes we want to offer kind words to others but don’t really know what to say. As much as I consider myself a word person, there are times when I can’t think of anything to say. I’ve had times when I’ve tried to say something supportive and it’s come out sounding lame.

Life throws us curveballs and we need to deal with the not-so-good to help us become stronger. We can’t get through life without challenges. A kind word and someone’s caring voice can give us a needed boost to pick ourselves up. So how can we offer kindness and support. How can we offer words to uplift others when they’re feeling down?

How do we know the difference when someone is well-meaning or just trying to brush us off? Sometimes I’ve heard words that sounded nice, but the intent (almost the feel of a sneer) was more on the line of an insult. Did the speaker mean it that way? Perhaps not. The speaker or writer could have been well-intentioned, but for some reason, I felt it as an insult.

“Think positively” are two simple words supposed to help us, but is that how we always hear it? When someone says those two words, do they really mean it or are they just trying to shut us up? When we say it to someone, we wish them well, but could we also be giving off the vibe we don’t have time to deal with their… whatever?

I’ll admit, there are days when nothing anybody can say will make me feel better. There are days when I’m just going to be ornery, cranky, and sad – until I decide not to be or tell myself, “I’ll be better tomorrow.”

It’s all about context and intent. It’s important to think positively as much as we can. It’s also a conscious choice to make and it isn’t always easy.

I think about those times when I am wallowing in my aloneness and reach out to tell my story, hoping for a few words of encouragement, to know someone is really listening to me.

I try to return the favor when others call me. I try to listen and offer advice or suggestions. It doesn’t matter if they take my advice. My goal is to show them I’m hearing their tale and my intent with my words is to give them another point of view to hopefully help them figure out how to resolve whatever it is they’re struggling with.

What’s important is a dialogue. It’s not just about me whining about some issue and someone else suggesting what I should do. It’s back and forth. It’s being able to also say, “I hear you. I’ve been there, too,” or “I’ve had similar situations and I…” That doesn’t mean my scenario is the same as what others experienced, but we have enough similarities that we can understand one another. Sometimes all we need is to know we’re not so alone in how we feel or what we’re experiencing.