Having a Dilemma with my Work

Yesterday, I’d put three older finished-but-not-totally-happy-with-the work paintings back on the easel, one at a time, to touch up and add vibrancy. My paintings tend to be on the dark side and my goal is to add brightness to my work. Later, when I compared all three progress photos to the last photos taken, I liked the older version better. (Where’s the undo button in painting?)

So, I’m having a dilemma. I’m not an impressionist. I like defined lines. Yes, from a distance the paintings look beautiful, but if I’m not liking what I see… Thing is, I like these scenes and the basics of the paintings. I don’t want to start them anew. There’s something pulling me not to abandon these.

This one is Winding Through Autumn, 11 1/2 x 15 1/2 on BFK Rives paper using various pastels. The first photo is the older version and the photo below is the updated version. (Yes, I know I have to fix the cloud reflection in the water.)  (Please forgive spacing. I can't seem to get the photos to position correctly, then put in the text.)

However, in my goal to make lighter, brighter paintings, do I need to see things differently? I have so many question and don't quite know how to find the right words.

This one is "In Foggy Sunlight" and it's on 10 1/2 x 14 BFK Rives paper and again using various pastels. I like that I made the trees stand out better, but I'm so struggling with the sunlight. I like it better in the previous progress photo.

The third painting is "Stretch of Autumn" on 8 3/4 x 14 1/2 BFK Rives paper using various pastels.

I made it brighter, but do I like it? It needs more work. 

I prefer some sharper lines and when I get too many layers, it's near impossible to sharpen up some areas, and then I tend to overwork making things muddy.

I'm not ready to give up. I'm thinking maybe if I put them on the drafting table easel where I can sit to work, I may be able to fix them all.

Oh, I can doubt myself horribly in some things... like in seeing and usually working darker. I like the darker, but it doesn't show up well.

Yes, there is that viewing art from a distance, and I do like my paintings when seen from 3-5 feet away, but I still want sharper lines.

I am determined to do my own style/technique and find my own way. It's definitely part of my life journey.

It's funny, I have many reference photos to do new paintings, but these are calling me to make them better. And I want to. Sometimes the self-doubts and self-questioning become stumbling blocks. I have to push past that.

Multiple Projects in the Studio

 

My first goal in the studio today was to finish (maybe) “Echinacea Tall.” I say “maybe” because after I look at it awhile, I’ll probably see things to fix. At the moment, I’m calling it done and can now change it from WIP 7 to 21-004. Heavens, this is only the fourth one I’ve finished this year!

Then today’s work turned odd. I’d been thinking for a few days about pulling unframed paintings from the doors where I had them hanging and adding some vibrancy to them. I planned to start with the Pele one, but instead pulled “Stretch of Autumn” and taped it to the stand-up easel. I added more color to the sky, trees, and grasses.

Unfortunately, the sky is muddy from where I overworked it before, and I don’t have the clarity I prefer. However, stepping back and seeing it from a distance, it’s lovely.

Next, I took down “After the Storm,” which I’d done last year, and taped that to the easel. This one I’d periodically rub a finger to smooth out the sunlight as it hung on the door. The sun’s rays had given me problems from the get-go. I thought, maybe, I could fix it.

I added bright color to the trees, but the sunlight again was my downfall, and now that I’ve added the new progress photo to the timeline, I actually like the previous photo when I initially called it finished. Uh, oh, where’s the undo button?

I still have hope for this. I should be able to do it.

The third old painting I worked on was “Winding Through Autumn.” This was another where I’d overworked the sky and today, after adding my color to brighten it up, I messed up the cloud reflections.

What’s this telling me? When I call a painting done/give up, should I just move on and never try to fix it? Maybe instead of trying to repair a not-so-good painting, would I be better off doing an entirely new painting if I like the scene?

I’m trying not to be discouraged. It’s all about learning. There’s always trial and error, that’s how you grow and get better.

And they almost always look good when viewing from a distance of at least 3 feet.

Echinacea Tall WIP Day 10

 I started this on March 7, but many other projects got in the way. I'd sneak in the studio and work on it periodically. Now, here it is July and I'm trying to push myself to get it done. Here's the latest previous workings:

June 29: I’ve been busy except for being in the studio. I’ve seen postings of other people’s paintings – in styles so unlike what I strive to do. Nan and I went to an art exhibit last week. We’re both needing a little inspiration, although few work in either of our styles.

This morning I spent a little time better defining the petals of the two flowers on the left. I’m really putting my face close (which I can do now that I sit at the drafting table.) 

I’m glad I didn’t give up on it, and I’m excited to get it finished. I am looking forward to putting my nose to the grindstone and finishing the other flowers.

June 30: I went in the studio in the late afternoon. I worked on all the flowers except the very bottom ones. I played with color, tones, and textures using various pastels. I paid closer attention to the tips and used negative painting to help define the petal edges. I’m still struggling to obtain the smoothness I prefer in my work. 

I’m liking sitting while I work. Unfortunately, that means I’m breathing in more pastel dust. I know, I should run the fan, the air purifier, and wear a mask, but I don’t.

I was hoping to finish and worked over an hour until it got scary dark outside and began to thunder. I had to go take care of other things. 

An Odd Way to Celebrate my Birthday

Interesting conversation this morning. I found myself emotionally torn between explaining myself and defending who I am. Not that I need to defend myself, but in reflection, I realize there are many deep-rooted feelings/beliefs in my soul. Some have been there my whole life and other parts I’ve developed over the years to protect myself, come to terms with who I really am, and not bow down to what others want/expect of me.

Guilt is an issue I deal with periodically – guilt that creeps in to haunt me even as I stand up for who I am. Guilt for not doing what I “should” be doing and fighting that should. Guilt that I am living life in my terms as much as that’s possible. Am I being fair? (I can’t even begin to explain how hard it is for me to leave the house sometimes. Not that there’s really anything wrong, but…)

For instance, in these days when I find it hard to leave the house (I can be pretty reclusive), I realize how like my mother I’ve become. Did she set me up for this? Not that she ever would have done anything to hurt me, but because of who and how she was, has part of that made me who I am today? (Someone who swore she’d never be like her mother, ha-ha, but I now recognize I am like her in many ways.)

How could it not have? We were so close. I remember her saying how, when her mum was still alive, the family always went to grandma’s house for holidays, and growing up, all I remember is family coming to our house for holidays.

When I had children of my own, every holiday I’d bundle the kids up to go to my parents’ house, and as I got older, I’d think how someday I would be the family matriarch and everyone would come to my house… well, our house once I moved back in with mum and while she was still living. This tradition continued until the remaining family finally said no to visiting, choosing to stay at their own homes for holidays.

That was devastating for mum and me. Holidays, especially Christmas, meant so much to mum. (She even passed away on a Christmas day.) But I had to respect the family’s wishes. They have the right to do what they want. I totally understand.

Holidays now mean little to me. They’re just another day which I usually spend alone… well, most days are spent alone, ha-ha, but holidays and Sundays are when the loneliness often creeps in unless I hold it at bay. Once in awhile I get invited to visit family, but I seldom go. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like for me emotionally. It sounds stupid, I know. My eyes are full of tears even as I write this, even when I try to picture myself visiting family.

And I continue to ask myself, am I being fair for being so adamant in my beliefs? Am I fair to family to want them to visit me if I’m not willing to visit them? (Hence the guilt.) Can they possibly understand how emotional it is for me? Am I just being whiny? And I suppose everyone just thinks me terribly selfish. Perhaps I am.

So, these are my thoughts on my 67^th birthday, and now I have to get some editing work done… and not the work in the studio which I’d planned to do earlier.

A June Adventure to Benson’s Park Part II

 

Hudson Center Railroad Station moved from its original location

... continued from Part I...

We made our way down the hill we’d originally came up, past the playground and Gorilla House, heading towards the lake. The next building was an open-sided A-frame housing picnic tables. The guys said there was once more with attached structures housing a shooting range… and I forget what else, arcades maybe. 

Andy suggested taking the path on this front side of the lake, but I wanted to go around the back. I figured better views for photos, and I wasn’t disappointed, but I couldn’t get good photos of the birds flying around.

We crossed the culvert dividing a moss-filled pond and the bigger lake, both sides giving me photo shots. A trail went off into the bushes for the more ardent walkers, but we stayed along the pond with Andy and Jim discussing what used to be there. There were once amusement rides, a train, little boats, kids’ helicopter, a Tilt-a Whirl, Ferris wheel, merry-go-round (don’t think they ever agreed where that was), and the roller coaster.

 

They found the old stone where the Ferris wheel once was, but the biggest discussion was on the roller coaster. (Andy was the first one to ever operate the roller coaster and Jim was the last one to ever ride it as he was taking photos for the auction when the Benson’s closed. The roller coaster was sold to Story Land.)

Jim took off up a grassy knoll and I gimped after him. I managed to photograph a rabbit. I wasn’t sure where we were going, being off a path. He was looking for signs of where the roller coaster was.

We meandered back onto a paved path and by this point, I had to sit down in the shade a bit. Andy wandered off intent on finding where he thought the roller coaster used to be while Jim regaled me with more stories (he’s been a lot of places whether just working or performing.)

Suddenly, he said, “I’ll be right back,” and he went off into a grassy area and behind some trees, I heard him mumbling. I got up. He was excited. He found the northeast corner rock of where the roller coaster was. He called to Andy who joined us, and they discussed which way the tracks went. (Again, I found this highly interesting.)

We moved on, up and around. There was a large, cone-shaped, nicely landscaped depression which Andy said was where the alligators used to be. What? It doesn’t look big enough. He said there was a 10-foot fence perimeter surrounding the little pond – alligators don’t spend all their time in water.

We crossed the bridge, went up some steep steps, and were back out on the main paved path. It was time to visit the Hudson 911 Memorial erected on Sept. 11, 2011. The memorial honors all the areas of that day. The perimeter is shaped like the Pentagon. The path to the monument follows the flight path of the plane, and along the path are granite markers with clock faces and text telling the events as they happened at that time.

I have to admit, I was taken by emotion, which I did not expect that. My eyes welled up. I had to go up to the rusted, tall girder (actual steel from World Trade Center Tower One, 23^rd floor elevator shaft) and touch it. (From what I understand, the greenish girder beside it is just to show how the two towers were positioned.)

By this time, I was done in. I was shaky, my legs hurt, and I couldn’t believe when I looked at my watch and saw it was getting close to 2:30. I was ready to leave.

Then Jim said, “I haven’t shown you any magic yet!”

He had me sit on a shady bench in front of the memorial and began his schtick. I’ve never been big into magic, but I was soon amazed. How many times can you think, “How did he do that?” How did two balls get in my hand when I felt nothing move? He had my brain totally spinning with the coin tricks. I don’t even want to know how any of this works. I just let myself be thoroughly entertained and impressed.

Left, Jim and Andy. 

Below, Jim and I.

It was time to go. Hugs and photos, and we were on our way. Andy and I stopped at Mr. Steer Marketplace in Londonderry to pick up some steak tips. Back on Route 102, we got behind a black Chevy SUV swerving all over the place. It was so bad, I slowed down to back way off. There was a steady line of traffic the opposite way and the vehicle kept drifting well over the yellow line. I can’t believe it didn’t sideswipe an oncoming car.

Then it would slowly swerve back and over into the breakdown lane and the dirt. I kept expecting it to go flying off into bushes. Then back across our lane and over the yellow line again. I did not want to be witness to an accident and was glad when the vehicle finally turned into Hannaford’s. Phew! Andy bet the driver was on a cell phone.

We stopped at Applebees in Derry for late lunch, then got on the I-93 to go home, arriving about 5 p.m. Wow, what a long day for me but so exciting.

“Kitty, I’m home,” I called out when coming in the house and Pele came running. “Aw, Baby, I missed you, too,” I told her bending over to scratch her. I couldn’t wait to settle on the couch, and as soon as I did, she was up on the pillows I put on my lap.

A little Benson’s Park history: The 166-acre Benson Park was founded as Benson's Wild Animal Farm by John Benson in 1924 and opened to the public in 1926. Arthur Provencher purchased the place in 1979 and it closed in 1987 after being renamed New England Playworld in a failing effort to boost visitation. 

The park was reopened years later for recreational use and is open daily to the public with seasonal closing times. It is maintained by the department of public works with help from a dedicated group of volunteers. There are still a few remaining structures from the old days and the old Elephant House has become the Friends of Benson Park Elephant Barn Gift Store and is open Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, noon-4 p.m., weather permitting.

A June Adventure to Benson’s Park Part I

 

I saw a segment on “NH Chronicle” this past winter about the Old Woman’s Shoe at Benson’s Park, formerly known as Benson’s Wild Animal Farm. I’d heard it was turned into walking trails and felt a strong desire to go there. I’d been there once as a kid – all I recall is how disgusting the monkey house smelled! I brought my kids there once, but I don’t remember that day at all. I love walking trails, though I can’t walk much anymore. I figured I could do a little.

My neighbor, Andy Jacquet, grew up in Hudson and worked at Benson’s Wild Animal Farm in his teens. He’s told me stories, so I thought it’d be fun to invite him for the adventure and he could tell me more about the place. But I got busy, and time passed.

A classmate of Andy’s, Jim Leach, was into magic since he was about 8 years old. He’d perform for classmates and eventually landed a summer gig at Benson’s as their magician. He also loved the elephants and would participate in the parades. Jim later went off to bigger things, working various jobs, performing on the side, doing gigs for the Armed Forces Entertainment at places in the Middle East, and even being on Penn & Teller’s Fool Us show with a friend. COVID pretty much shut down some careers, and Jim moved back home to care for his aging parents.

Andy mentioned to him about my proposed trip, and he wanted to join us. I was inspired and chose June 16. The day dawned chilly but was supposed to warm up. We left for our hour-long or so drive about 10 a.m. and arrived at the park before 11:30 a.m. to find many cars in the parking lot and two vans with a line of kids piling out. So many people! Not what I expected at all.

I expected to find a quiet, fairly-deserted place with some building remnants and narrow dirt trails overgrown with vegetation. Instead, we rounded the corner after parking to find manicured lawns and paved paths. I took a photo of the map at the kiosk to peruse later. There were people walking dogs, pushing strollers, and ahead of us was a large playground full of kids. A few people were lounging in the grass surrounding the area. We even encountered older people, some walking with canes... like me with my walking stick.

We followed the path towards the Gorilla House which now also houses restrooms. On the left were two tall square beams and a flagpole behind. Andy said this was the 911 Memorial which we’d explore later. He said Jim used to perform on a stage just below (long before the memorial was there).

I took photos of the Gorilla House, and we made our way up the hill where, at the top, was the office buildings and Elephant House (which is now a gift shop and they’re working on creating a museum.) Across from the office sits the renovated Hudson Center Railroad Station which was moved there from its original location. 

 

Jim caught up with us as we went around the back of the Elephant House. Andy was telling me about the big cats that used to be here (I don’t remember which cats). I immediately liked Jim. He’s personable, down-to-earth, easy to understand, doesn’t have a better-than attitude from being an entertainer… I could listen to his stories all day.

I found it interesting to hear the guys say things like, that was where such and such used to be, and the other saying, “No, I think it used to be down there farther.” After 40 plus years, memory gets a little shaky, and with changes in buildings, paths, and landscape, it was a challenge for Andy and Jim to get the coordinates right. It’s amazing how foliage growth can make things look so different.

We went up a little farther to where the Woman’s Old Shoe sat among some trees. I had to time my photos between kids climbing the steps to look in the window. (Hmmm, I never thought to do that myself.)

We circled around and made our way to the office, which was closed, with Jim telling us stories of the owners. (Andy worked there a year or so before him and some time at the same time, and Jim worked there a few years longer. Andy was more into grounds keeping and operating rides or taking photos. Jim, being an entertainer, was more “in” with the owners and managers.) What fun getting a personal tour by two former employees!

Andy and I often commented how this place didn’t look anything like we expected.

Coming Out of a Creative Hiatus June 2021

It feels like it’s been months since I’ve done any serious painting. Oh, I’ve picked at a couple that have been on the easels for quite a while, but I’ve not made any substantial progress except to decide I can’t do the Pele one true justice. Even writings for my blog were started but never finished.

Photo: "Waiting for Attention" -- looks OK from a distance, but up close, I see too many flaws.

Of course, mid-April to mid-May is the big summer guide project, so that’s where my attention went, besides doing small projects here and there outside and in the garage. And then there was the studio revamp and getting rid of items I’ve not used in years… which I’m still working on.

In the meantime, I managed to get a few new photos for painting references while out and about – four areas this spring: Turkey Pond in Concord, a marsh scene along Route 1A in Rye, a series of The Hill in Hillsborough, and the Tooky River in Bennington. I edited the photos and printed out a few, and they’ve been sitting about a month or more.

A couple weeks ago, I received a list of painting tips suggested by other artists, and the most oft-given advice is “Paint every day!” Oops, have I fallen off that wagon!

Yesterday, I decided to tackle the initial sketches which I usually do on 6 x 9 drawing paper. These give me some direction when I do the actual layout on the support paper on which I’ll do the actual painting. However, when I opened the sketch book, there was already a sketch in there. 

It took me some time to figure out it was the Turkey Pond scene as I’d not made any notes on the page. I spent way too much time looking back through my logbook to find dates but couldn’t find any comments except I’d taken the photo coming back from the dentist. I write down everything in the logbook because I tend to forget things, and because this was just an initial sketch, I hadn’t started a spreadsheet or a timeline which I do for all my paintings.

 

Oh, yeah, I’d fallen off the wagon and got dragged under. Time to pull myself back up, onto the seat, and take control of the reins.

So, I got out supplies, covered the table with a cloth, and began studying the pile of photos to choose which scenes and angles to do. I tend to take photos of three or four angles of the scene.

With The Hill series, I have a few separate photos and there are three I taped together to create a panoramic scene. I was thinking of doing this triptych (three paintings hung side by side to depict a scene), but in measuring and the composition, this would only work as a diptych (two pictures).

I set to work. It never fails to amaze me, no matter how hard I try to work in the Rule of Thirds, I always seem to end up with main focus in the center. Duh! Of course, put together with the second sketch of the scene, the big tree wouldn’t be in the center. I used soft charcoal and mostly worked at getting shapes, values, and setting the composition.

One thing about progress photos, it shows me what I need to adjust and change. Already I can see what

I need to pull together when I do the actual initial sketch for the paintings.

The next photo I worked with was a river scene. Again, I’d taken a few photos to focus on aspects I want to put into the painting. By this time, the soft charcoal was crumbling to little bits. Still, I managed to get this initial work done.

Three individual paintings (in which two will become the diptych) and the one previously done means I now have four new scenes to paint. Of course, I need to finish the ones currently on the painting easels first, ha-ha, but I’m excited to get back to this. And yes, I need to work around all the many warm-weather projects I want to do.