Asking Myself I Write and Paint

"Morning Mist on the River," 14 x 10 1/2 pastel painting on BFK Rives paper. Original photo reference: Jackie Stetser

Feeling a bit duh mentally, I scrolled through FB looking for some spark. Once in a while, I read something to ignite my creativity, whether it’s something someone says, or I see a beautiful picture. Most days, though, it’s just a mindless look-see.

This morning, it wasn’t until I checked my email messages and read one from Eric Rhoads, art publisher, that inspiration ignited in me. He talked about “WHY” (yes, in quotes and all caps). He asked, “Why do I want to get better … and why does it matter?” He said, “’Why’ drives your commitment.”

There was something about his statements that rang true within me, but I wasn’t sure where thinking about this would take me. I haven’t been stuck lately with my art. I’ve been on fire, although this morning, the pull is a bit lackluster.

So, let me start with why. Why do I write? Why do I paint?

Well, the writing is easy. It’s the same old saying I’ve had for myself for over 35 years: “If I didn’t write, I’d die, go crazy, or worse.” And this feeling still holds true today. Writing lets me talk out things when there’s no one to talk to. Writing saves me … emotionally.

Painting, on the other hand, is different. Painting is more physical. OK, writing, too, has some physicality to it in that my hands and brain are working, but painting encompasses more. I stand, I sit, I move back and forth, move across the room to choose pastels if I don’t have the right colors at hand. I walk away, come back.

Painting with pastels lets me get my hands in it. It’s not just using tools to create the painting; I use my fingers to smooth and blend.  I touch the paper, touch the colors. My eyes take the brain into the scene. My entire being gets involved and I’m consumed in those moment – even if it’s just a short 15-20-minute stint in the studio.

But that’s not the only “WHY.” It’s also about sharing the beauty, whether it’s from photos I’ve taken, or scenes others have taken and given me permission to use for inspiration. I feel part of my “job” as an artist is to share beauty (and yes, hope to sell the paintings).

Pastel painting brings me joy. Even on days when my progress isn’t up to par with what I envision, I still love what I do. Yes, I go through periods when the creative flame is mere coals, but then a breeze hits and the flames roar again.

I am not one who is out in the community/world doing noticeable goodwill. I am too much a recluse, so being able to share my beautiful paintings is my way of giving back; my way of doing something good. I am grateful and feel blessed to have this opportunity to create and share.

An End Struggle and a Decision to do New

 

“In Foggy Sunlight,” 9 ¾ x 14 on BFK Rives paper using various pastels

I so wanted to do a good job with this painting, and it’s driving me crazy because I can’t pull it off to how I want it to look. Looking at the original photograph, taken by my friend, Toni Syrmopoulos, who gave her permission for me to use as a reference, the scene looks to be something fun to do.

I started it in August 2020 and called it done/gave up in October. Then on July 4, 2021, I put it back on the easel and for the past couple weeks, I’ve been picking at it. One minute I like how it’s going and the next, I’m frustrated as all heck.

There’s something about this scene that’s calling me, though. Every time I look at the original reference photo, I’m drawn in, and today, July 24, I am seeing all kinds of potential and shapes and dimensions and such that didn’t stand out to me before.

This current painting has been worked too much. To keep working on it, just makes it look muddy. I’ve decided I’m going to totally re-do the scene in a new painting. I can’t help it, I have to do it again, and do a better job. I re-edited the original photo to get a better print… and it is better.  

The updated version of the photo I want to work with.

Changes and Moving On

I found someone to take over the Bradford Neighbors column in the newspaper. I’ve enjoyed writing this column – over 10 years – but I no longer feel a part of Bradford. It’s not always easy to get updated info as I don’t live there now, and I feel guilty for not doing as good of a job as I’d like for the town. I’m so happy to turn this over to someone who lives there.

(Photo: "In Foggy Sunlight," pastel painting still in process. I'm working out how to get the streams of sunlight to work with the shadows.)

Annette said I could start a new column. I was doing the garden column a couple years ago, but that petered out, and this year, I’m not much into gardening at all. My focus is more on my art, so I decided to do a column on being an artist – my way.

After all, how often do you see anyone writing about art in a newspaper? Oh, there will be the usual interviews or articles covering events, but because I love people’s stories and often want to know more, I thought it might be interesting to write about what it’s like to create art, a kind of behind-the-scenes point of view.

This is a bustling artistic community with an abundance of creativity. It’s wonderful to see the different ways people come up with creative endeavors – besides the usual fine art works. I figure writing about being an artist will put a different light on art while also covering a subject that isn’t in the normal realm for a newspaper’s readers. Plus, this will be a break from some of the controversial topics of the times.

I already have a list of 15 topics to cover so far. There will be issues I personally go through in my artistic endeavors, plus I’ll discuss tips, share pointers and sayings, and talk art in general. It’ll give readers an insight into the art scene and hopefully inspire them to find their own ways of being creativite.

I’m not a traditionally trained artist, and although I’ve taken some classes here and there beyond school, I pretty-much learn as I go. I read articles by other artists. I pick up pointers here and there, but mostly, I want to figure out being an artist on my own terms.

Yet, I have questions. I want to understand others’ techniques… especially with styles I don’t personally care for. Which is something I love about art – we don’t all have to do it the same way, and I love that.

 

Having a Dilemma with my Work

Yesterday, I’d put three older finished-but-not-totally-happy-with-the work paintings back on the easel, one at a time, to touch up and add vibrancy. My paintings tend to be on the dark side and my goal is to add brightness to my work. Later, when I compared all three progress photos to the last photos taken, I liked the older version better. (Where’s the undo button in painting?)

So, I’m having a dilemma. I’m not an impressionist. I like defined lines. Yes, from a distance the paintings look beautiful, but if I’m not liking what I see… Thing is, I like these scenes and the basics of the paintings. I don’t want to start them anew. There’s something pulling me not to abandon these.

This one is Winding Through Autumn, 11 1/2 x 15 1/2 on BFK Rives paper using various pastels. The first photo is the older version and the photo below is the updated version. (Yes, I know I have to fix the cloud reflection in the water.)  (Please forgive spacing. I can't seem to get the photos to position correctly, then put in the text.)

However, in my goal to make lighter, brighter paintings, do I need to see things differently? I have so many question and don't quite know how to find the right words.

This one is "In Foggy Sunlight" and it's on 10 1/2 x 14 BFK Rives paper and again using various pastels. I like that I made the trees stand out better, but I'm so struggling with the sunlight. I like it better in the previous progress photo.

The third painting is "Stretch of Autumn" on 8 3/4 x 14 1/2 BFK Rives paper using various pastels.

I made it brighter, but do I like it? It needs more work. 

I prefer some sharper lines and when I get too many layers, it's near impossible to sharpen up some areas, and then I tend to overwork making things muddy.

I'm not ready to give up. I'm thinking maybe if I put them on the drafting table easel where I can sit to work, I may be able to fix them all.

Oh, I can doubt myself horribly in some things... like in seeing and usually working darker. I like the darker, but it doesn't show up well.

Yes, there is that viewing art from a distance, and I do like my paintings when seen from 3-5 feet away, but I still want sharper lines.

I am determined to do my own style/technique and find my own way. It's definitely part of my life journey.

It's funny, I have many reference photos to do new paintings, but these are calling me to make them better. And I want to. Sometimes the self-doubts and self-questioning become stumbling blocks. I have to push past that.

Multiple Projects in the Studio

 

My first goal in the studio today was to finish (maybe) “Echinacea Tall.” I say “maybe” because after I look at it awhile, I’ll probably see things to fix. At the moment, I’m calling it done and can now change it from WIP 7 to 21-004. Heavens, this is only the fourth one I’ve finished this year!

Then today’s work turned odd. I’d been thinking for a few days about pulling unframed paintings from the doors where I had them hanging and adding some vibrancy to them. I planned to start with the Pele one, but instead pulled “Stretch of Autumn” and taped it to the stand-up easel. I added more color to the sky, trees, and grasses.

Unfortunately, the sky is muddy from where I overworked it before, and I don’t have the clarity I prefer. However, stepping back and seeing it from a distance, it’s lovely.

Next, I took down “After the Storm,” which I’d done last year, and taped that to the easel. This one I’d periodically rub a finger to smooth out the sunlight as it hung on the door. The sun’s rays had given me problems from the get-go. I thought, maybe, I could fix it.

I added bright color to the trees, but the sunlight again was my downfall, and now that I’ve added the new progress photo to the timeline, I actually like the previous photo when I initially called it finished. Uh, oh, where’s the undo button?

I still have hope for this. I should be able to do it.

The third old painting I worked on was “Winding Through Autumn.” This was another where I’d overworked the sky and today, after adding my color to brighten it up, I messed up the cloud reflections.

What’s this telling me? When I call a painting done/give up, should I just move on and never try to fix it? Maybe instead of trying to repair a not-so-good painting, would I be better off doing an entirely new painting if I like the scene?

I’m trying not to be discouraged. It’s all about learning. There’s always trial and error, that’s how you grow and get better.

And they almost always look good when viewing from a distance of at least 3 feet.

Echinacea Tall WIP Day 10

 I started this on March 7, but many other projects got in the way. I'd sneak in the studio and work on it periodically. Now, here it is July and I'm trying to push myself to get it done. Here's the latest previous workings:

June 29: I’ve been busy except for being in the studio. I’ve seen postings of other people’s paintings – in styles so unlike what I strive to do. Nan and I went to an art exhibit last week. We’re both needing a little inspiration, although few work in either of our styles.

This morning I spent a little time better defining the petals of the two flowers on the left. I’m really putting my face close (which I can do now that I sit at the drafting table.) 

I’m glad I didn’t give up on it, and I’m excited to get it finished. I am looking forward to putting my nose to the grindstone and finishing the other flowers.

June 30: I went in the studio in the late afternoon. I worked on all the flowers except the very bottom ones. I played with color, tones, and textures using various pastels. I paid closer attention to the tips and used negative painting to help define the petal edges. I’m still struggling to obtain the smoothness I prefer in my work. 

I’m liking sitting while I work. Unfortunately, that means I’m breathing in more pastel dust. I know, I should run the fan, the air purifier, and wear a mask, but I don’t.

I was hoping to finish and worked over an hour until it got scary dark outside and began to thunder. I had to go take care of other things. 

An Odd Way to Celebrate my Birthday

Interesting conversation this morning. I found myself emotionally torn between explaining myself and defending who I am. Not that I need to defend myself, but in reflection, I realize there are many deep-rooted feelings/beliefs in my soul. Some have been there my whole life and other parts I’ve developed over the years to protect myself, come to terms with who I really am, and not bow down to what others want/expect of me.

Guilt is an issue I deal with periodically – guilt that creeps in to haunt me even as I stand up for who I am. Guilt for not doing what I “should” be doing and fighting that should. Guilt that I am living life in my terms as much as that’s possible. Am I being fair? (I can’t even begin to explain how hard it is for me to leave the house sometimes. Not that there’s really anything wrong, but…)

For instance, in these days when I find it hard to leave the house (I can be pretty reclusive), I realize how like my mother I’ve become. Did she set me up for this? Not that she ever would have done anything to hurt me, but because of who and how she was, has part of that made me who I am today? (Someone who swore she’d never be like her mother, ha-ha, but I now recognize I am like her in many ways.)

How could it not have? We were so close. I remember her saying how, when her mum was still alive, the family always went to grandma’s house for holidays, and growing up, all I remember is family coming to our house for holidays.

When I had children of my own, every holiday I’d bundle the kids up to go to my parents’ house, and as I got older, I’d think how someday I would be the family matriarch and everyone would come to my house… well, our house once I moved back in with mum and while she was still living. This tradition continued until the remaining family finally said no to visiting, choosing to stay at their own homes for holidays.

That was devastating for mum and me. Holidays, especially Christmas, meant so much to mum. (She even passed away on a Christmas day.) But I had to respect the family’s wishes. They have the right to do what they want. I totally understand.

Holidays now mean little to me. They’re just another day which I usually spend alone… well, most days are spent alone, ha-ha, but holidays and Sundays are when the loneliness often creeps in unless I hold it at bay. Once in awhile I get invited to visit family, but I seldom go. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like for me emotionally. It sounds stupid, I know. My eyes are full of tears even as I write this, even when I try to picture myself visiting family.

And I continue to ask myself, am I being fair for being so adamant in my beliefs? Am I fair to family to want them to visit me if I’m not willing to visit them? (Hence the guilt.) Can they possibly understand how emotional it is for me? Am I just being whiny? And I suppose everyone just thinks me terribly selfish. Perhaps I am.

So, these are my thoughts on my 67^th birthday, and now I have to get some editing work done… and not the work in the studio which I’d planned to do earlier.