Choosing the Untraditional

This morning as I was making coffee, I contemplated my blue coffee mug. Blue, like cobalt glass, and almost see-through. I’ve had this mug for many years. I thought about how blue was my favorite color for most of my life, and how part of the reason I chose blue was because blue was not considered a girl’s color.

My striving to be different started at an early age. Maybe it was because I saw my brother treated better than me. Maybe it was because I was still in an era where girls and boys had specific roles, and I saw that boys had more opportunities (got more stuff, were allowed to do more things … seemed free). Maybe I just realized from an early age I didn’t want to fit into a mold of what others dictated I was supposed to be.

I didn’t like girly stuff. I seldom played with dolls (although I liked paper dolls and making clothes for them – because that was artsy – not that I understood being an artist at the time.) I didn’t like being in the house or helping with house stuff that wives and mothers took care of. I didn’t like wearing dresses or having to act like a girl when the boys got to be wild and be outside.

My mother wasn’t a girly-girl, either, and although she didn’t totally act like those perfect “Leave It to Beaver” housewife models, she was still part of that timeframe of life for women. She didn’t do the normal woman-thing too much either. She was always on the fringe.

She taught us hide ‘n’ seek, kick the can, and took us out in the woods on walks. So, perhaps it was from her I that made me determined to not be like other girls. She didn’t have many friends. She didn’t play the “follow the leader” games or become part of a clique.

Instead of dolls, I wanted to be outside playing with my brother’s trucks. I wanted to climb trees, explore the woods and fields, and ride my bike faster than the boys. I decided to have blue as my favorite color because it was a boy color. Girls were supposed to like red.

I never did totally conform to the traditional role of woman. Yes, I married and had children. Yes, I totally love my children with all my heart, but even the role of mother and grandmother has me apart from most. Maybe my roles can never be the same as the majority. Maybe … I don’t know …

And in trying to live whole-heartedly, I have to accept who I am without feeling guilty for not following the more traditional role of womanhood. I have to celebrate my uniqueness and understand, too, I am not the only one. We can’t all be the same. It’s the differences in people that make life interesting. The important thing is seeing that we are all good no matter what roles we choose to play (or be).

These days I’m more known for my love of purple. Part of that, too, is a desire to be different. If I could find a coffee mug, just like my blue one, but in purple, that would be the cherry on top of my morning.

Changing a Word Changes My Outlook

For a while I've been using "Love and Success" as one of my mantras, but, for me, it feels a little heavy. I don't know why. Maybe love for me has a dark side with often pain associated. Oh, I know we're supposed to love one another, and everything and all that, but love also has to do with relationships that are sometimes not so good. Sometimes those bad experiences can have lasting effects.

Hmmm, maybe the word "love" is connected to "supposed to." And it shouldn't. Can I explore this avenue without it dragging me into a hole.

Guess there's some old stuff lingering here ... but that's OK for the moment. I can let it go. And perhaps, for me, it's accepting that's how I feel and not trying to figure it out or feel guilty that I might offend anyone by saying this.

It's not that I don't love. I love lots ... maybe it's just the perceived attached strings that come with loving somebody. Maybe it's about a price I've stopped willing to pay due to “failed” past relationships.  Hmmm, interesting. The topic can go in so many directions. There are, after all, many forms of love. Anyway, moving on ...

So, in striving to live whole-heartedly, I realize I feel much better when I say, "Light and Love" or "Light and Success!" The word "Light" makes me feel lighter and brighter, and in these instances, the words are in caps because this light is a God-Light. It comes from the Universe, the Great Creator, Great Spirit, the Beloved. This Light is greater than any of us, yet it is also part of us, when we open up to acknowledge it. And in saying this, I realize that it is love.

Handling Multiple Projects

Once more I was stressing over all the projects that are in process. There are so many I feel I’ll never get any of them done … and sometimes I let those worries spiral downward. I keep thinking how I have so much to do … over-thinking instead of doing. I let myself get depressed over it and end up not working on any of the projects.

Yesterday the writing muse was calling me. I have three books in the works and I haven’t worked on any of them in a long time. But if I work on the books, how will I find time to paint? And if I paint or write, how can I get the outside garden/house projects finished? Oh, the dilemma.

It’s important to reel in those downward spirals and remember my journey to live whole-heartedly. I realized: Instead of stressing about all the unfinished projects, choose ONE to focus on at the moment! It doesn’t mean I have to finish it in that one time-frame. Working on it will get me closer to getting it done. That one step closer is an accomplishment! Those single steps, one at a time, will eventually get me to the goal.

"The Hill" Pastel on BF Rives paper
I'm debating whether to call this finished.

I also must celebrate each of those little steps! Even if I just paint a few leaves on a tree or add another cloud to the sky. Even if I only write one paragraph. Even if I only take time to deadhead the petunias. Each small step needs to be acknowledged and celebrated to fuel the fire to continue.

And, I have to admit, it is easier to do more on a project today when I look back at what I accomplished on it yesterday. Today looking at that cloud I added to the painting gives me a new perspective. Re-reading the paragraph I wrote yesterday may give me the next direction to take the writing.

A new day, fresh eyes, and I’m ready to dive in on today’s chosen project.

Adapting to Life Changes and Embracing Living in the Moment

After over a month of depression, I am feeling much better. Every time I go through one of these cycles, some insight comes out of it; usually in the form of a poem. This time, there is no poem. Instead …

Yesterday I got up realizing my lesson for the day was “As much as I try to live in the moment, I get annoyed when my daily routines are interrupted.” Hmmm, what’s that say about routines and spontaneity? Me, who for many years claimed to practice spontaneity! Where did that go? What happened to living in the moment and enjoying the gift of life?

A few months back I had written: I don’t want to be so rigid in my routine that I can’t be flexible. But I continued to be frustrated when distractions interrupted my routines. I was mostly doing what I wanted to do, but the order in which I was doing my regular routine and the timing was off and that was driving me crazy. The big question is: Why let it upset me? What does it matter? And, who cares?

Today, in continuing the climb out of the black hole I let myself fall into the past couple month, I reach the rim and pull myself onto solid ground. I am determined to practice living in the moment and not be frustrated that my routine isn't exactly on schedule. Yes, I am older; my body aches and my brain too easily feels overwhelmed. I cannot do what I used to do in a timely manner (or some things not at all, ha ha).

That’s not an excuse to give up or not care. That means I have to figure out a way to do things MY way and in my own time; a way that works for me mentally and physically.

Others talk about doing things in “baby steps.” Maybe I could find different words or phrases to describe how I'm doing the work. I really don't want to say "baby steps" because I'm not a baby and I don't want to feel I'm babying myself. I'm just taking better care of myself physically and mentally. (That's important – care of the physical and the mental!) But I don't know what to call it yet.

Work the past couple of years has been done in shorter intervals over a longer time-period. I use the gardening time as a break from the “thinking” work of editing and writing. And a break doesn't necessarily mean doing nothing. It could be working on a different project to exercise other aspects of my being. For instance, after doing so much writing/editing work, get up from the chair and go outside to do a little physical gardening, or go in the studio and paint.

At first, I set specific time limits, but that added a pressure to either sticking to the time or feeling guilty if I cut it short or go over. (Going over meaning I short on the next project.) So, if I really want to practice being in the moment, that means listening to my body and mind. The key is doing so much and knowing when to back off and do something different. It means working until mind and body says rest, then taking a break and not feeling guilty. I do a little here, a little there, and eventually things get done. At this point in my life, it doesn’t matter if garden work isn’t fully done all in one day or if the painting gets finished today.

Maybe today I am only physically able to do 20 minutes in the garden, but tomorrow I might be out there an hour. When I'm standing at the easel and my legs and back start to ache, I can go sit at the computer and do some writing. It doesn't matter how much time I was there. And it’s not just the physical aspect, but if my mind starts getting frustrated, as when a tough piece of writing when the words won’t come or on a painting and I’m just not liking the results, that’s an indicator to do something else. 

Yes, listening to the self. After all, I live and work from home. Yes, there is a weekly deadline for the newspaper and I have an occasional deadline for an art show or an appointment, but the in-between times are very flexible. I can still do my morning routine, but it doesn't have to be exactly 1, 2, 3. Maybe today I did 1 and 3, then 2. Instead of having kitty play when Leo comes in for second breakfast, both kitties want catnip play after first breakfast.

The Importance of Visualization

Today I was reminded of the importance of visualization. I’ve meditated for years and I practice living whole-heartedly, but I struggle with visualization. I realize I, once again, have to change how I think about a subject.

Visualization isn’t daydreaming. Daydreaming is letting the mind ramble and that could go to bad thoughts as well as good. Visualization takes more effort because I have the power to control what I’m thinking about, and how I think about it! I have to take that power and use it to good. That means ceasing any negative thoughts the minute they creep in and redirecting them to how I want to be and live. And making myself FEEL I’ve already achieved my goals. 

It sounds simple, and in way it is, but it’s also work. It takes practice. It’s work to stand up to the negativity that swirls around. It’s work to stay positive when life throws obstacles in my path. It’s too easy to get caught up in negativity and give in to it. (And yes, there are days when I just mentally spiral downward.) Which is why, as much as I can, I avoid the news and media hypes. I try to avoid negative, woe-is-me, woe-is-the-world people, politics, and commericialism/advertising. But when I take my power and stand tall, oh, what a difference in how I feel!

Visualization is taking time each day to visualize how I want my life. It’s making myself feel I’m already there. (Yes, positive repetition to keep reminding myself of the good I want to achieve.) That doesn’t mean perfection, because there’s no such thing. That doesn’t mean I’m a Pollyanna. There are, and will be, days that are not so good. But I have the power within myself to bounce back up and be the me I want to be.

It is being the best I can be; respecting myself and others. It’s looking for the beauty around me and creating beauty (which I try to do through my writing, painting, photography, and gardening). It’s giving a kind word, positive feedback, and support when I can. It’s being as courteous as I can be, and when my tolerance level drops, it’s time to turn and walk away.

Visualization is one aspect of living whole-heartedly. Visualization helps me stay on my path. Visualization helps me stand strong.

Dressing for Respect

Today I want to cover a topic that has been on my mind for a while. I’ve noticed how people dress often plays a part in how they act. Friends and I have been discussing this lately. We lament about today’s styles and wonder how attire reflects on respect towards self and others. Does the lack of “respectable” style have something to do with how people behave nowadays?

Pele always dresses in style 

We talked about the different fashions we grew up with and how they changed. Some of us remember a time when girls couldn’t wear long pants to school; dresses only. I remember hating being forced to go outside for recess in the winter because my legs would be so cold. Then when mini-skirts became popular, teachers would make us kneel on the floor and they’d measure to the edge of our hems. If your hemline was more than 2 inches from the floor, they’d make you go home to change.

Those were also times when employees of businesses (they weren’t called “associates” back then) dressed nicely. Boys/men wore suits or, at least, nice sweaters and ties. Girls and women wore dresses that weren’t too revealing. Hair styles had to be professional. People were courteous and were taught to be helpful to customers. The customer was priority. And yes, certain jobs require particular attire. But there was a general feeling that there was more caring between people.

Times changed. People changed and insisted on a more casual dress code. They wanted to dress for themselves and show their personal style. Employers started to ease up. Many still have some kind of a dress code in that their employees wear company T-shirts. But have the times gone from one extreme to the other?

Looking nice doesn’t necessarily mean dressing fancy or owning expensive clothes. (Here’s where I’m probably really going to show my age.) To me, there has always been something appealing about well-dressed people. (Remember ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man?”) That doesn’t mean I think people should always wear shirts and ties. There is something sexy about a guy in well-fitting jeans and a nice T-shirt or even a flannel shirt. And a little dirt doesn’t hurt if he’s a hard-worker. A woman in a dress or pants and shirt that is flattering to her body-type is also beautiful. (And that doesn’t mean shockingly skin tight showing every bulge and blemish or having half her body hang out!) 

Then there’s attitude. People nicely dressed carry themselves in a more self-assured, strong but gentler, manner. (That’s self-assured, not cocky.) They often act with a panache that is comforting. The attire reflects respect of self and respect of others. When you feel good about how you are dressed, you’re more apt to be nicer to others. You can wear comfortable clothing, be stylish, and look and feel good.

When and what made the change? Is it only to appease the young? Is it the continual rebellion of the young to make their statement to the world? Is it the big business marketers feeding the rebellious frenzy of the young? (Big business who makes billions off consumers!)

I try hard to respect others’ choices. I try hard to allow people their individual styles, but it seems that wearing ripped and/or dirty-looking clothing brings about an almost demeaning sense of attitude ... of self and to those they encounter. It’s sending a message that they don’t care what they look like – and their attitude reflects that because they always act on the defensive. They develop an angry, negative demeanor in aura and stance. And how can you say baggy pants with the crotch between the knees is sexy and appealing? 

The hate and anger in the country scares me. The lack of respect for one another saddens me. I wonder, if people dressed like they cared about themselves, others, and life, would that change? If schools helped teach respect and self-esteem, instead of having to focus on national scores and political correctness, if our kids would grow up feeling more self-assured within themselves. If kids were taught how to dress for their body-types, and how to accept the many types of body-types (instead of feeling they all have to have the model-type anorexically-thin bodies), would they grow up with better self-esteem?

As I ponder all this, I wonder where this comes into my goal of living whole-heartedly. How does living whole-heartedly fit in with how one dresses? 

Perhaps it’s just about my goals for myself; being true to myself. I’m not a martyr. I’m not physically pretty. Fancy dressing doesn’t work on my body type. I don’t go anywhere where I need to “dress-up.” 

Being true to myself means accepting who I am and finding clothes that look OK for my body-type/size. It means not forcing myself into clothes that are uncomfortable, so I can be “in-fashion.” I can work, move around, dance, paint, whatever, and my clothes work with me. 

Living whole-heartedly means wearing clothes that reflect a self-assurance and comfortableness for who I am. I don’t have to put on “airs” or pretend I’m somebody I’m not. I am comfortable within myself, and others are comfortable around me. 

Life is good when I’m living whole-heartedly!

Learning to be Happy and Living Whole-Heartedly

I’ve had a number of conversations lately about being happy, finding happiness, choosing happiness. Some people seem to be born happy and are able to carry that throughout life. Others are born under a cloud, or their early experiences cause them to bury their emotions, and they learn to act as they believe others want them to. And it doesn’t matter where they came from. Those who come from wealthy families can have just as many issues as those who are poor. 

This isn’t about blame. It’s not finding fault with our upbringing. It’s not about hiding or brushing off our true feelings. I don’t know if all babies are born happy. (I kind of think not, but as I have no memory of birth, I don’t know for sure.) For most, happiness is learned. It’s how each of us encompasses what we are taught into our own selves. True self happiness becomes mixed with what others expect of us: parents, family, teachers, friends and peers. There are rules and ethics and morals, right and wrong. Do this, don’t do that. Money is often a big issue.

Then there is the media telling us what we need to make us happy. Oh, those Sears Christmas catalogs when we were kids! The commercials on TV pounding into us all the time how we need this or that. So-and-so getting some fabulous toy or snowmobile or iPhone, and we want one, too. Even with how we look is questioned and commented on, and we’re always made to feel less than. When does it stop?

It stops with individual choice. It stops when we make the decision to not have what everyone else has. It stops when we realize stuff only makes us feel happy for a few moments. It stops when we stop listening to commercials. It stops when we stop going out of our way to please others to the extent of our own wellbeing and happiness.

It comes down to deciding for ourselves what makes us happy. We have to find that piece deep inside us that feels true joy and satisfaction. Deep inside is the key. Yes, we love our families and they make us happy – because it’s love and that’s good. But happiness goes beyond family and friends. Happiness goes beyond having what you want. Happiness has an inner glow, a vibrance. It’s a passion for what’s good and beautiful.

Happiness sometimes comes at a high price. Maybe a lot of it comes with wisdom, when we are older. Maybe it’s when we realize that a lot of what we used to believe isn’t so true anymore. Perhaps it comes after we have known heartache and loss; when happiness becomes a part of our being, not just a surface emotion. It’s riding the wave of joy and despair and coming out in balance. It’s discovering simple joys in nature or finding a creative outlet that makes your soul sing.

Don’t let others dictate your happiness, and you don’t have to be a martyr. Choose to be happy! And realize it doesn’t mean every day because life gets in the way sometimes. Choosing to be happy is doing the best you can. It’s a treasure hunt to find the little joys and that means being open to the possibility of finding happiness. Take the time to acknowledge the things that make you happy; those things deep inside that feel good and exciting and true to yourself. Taking care of yourself and your feelings will allow you to be more open to love and care for others. 

Another View on Giving Thanks in Living Whole-Heartedly

I can’t believe it’s Thanksgiving week. Where does the time go? I know, this is said often. I’ve mentioned before that I do gratitude prayers every day, so how do I take giving thanks to another level? 

Sometimes it’s more than what’s the normal, just like-everyone-else, what-you’re-supposed-to-say level; those same old, same olds repeated all the time. Yes, I am thankful for those: family, my Pele kitty, my home, good friends, neighbors and good health, etc. But sometimes it’s more than this. Sometimes it’s about self-realizations.

Perhaps it’s my getting older. Maybe it’s over thinking. In spite of that, there are times I am thankful for the way I think. Yes, I have issues and strong opinions -- like many. Yes, I can go off on a rant when a topic sets me off. Yes, I get emotional, break down and cry … a lot.

But it’s not about finding someone or something to blame in those moments. It is all about me (a term a dear friend of mine uses a lot). And if I’m honest, it really is all about me. (As your issues are about you et.al.) It’s how I react to everything around me. It’s knowing that I can choose to be happy, sad or angry, and knowing that choice puts the ownership of my emotions on me. I can’t blame anyone else, and it’s not about blaming me, either, because it’s not about blame at all. It’s about life and dealing with situations.

I am thankful that I can control my emotions … or if not in the exact moment, the instant I can think clearly. It’s about taking my experiences to live a better, whole-hearted life. It’s being OK that I can fall into the hole of despair and frustration because I know I will crawl back out into the light. It’s remembering to walk in sunshine. (I was reminded last week of the old Katrina and the Waves song, “I’m walkin’ on sunshine, wooo hooo, and don’t it feel good!” It has a happy, makes-you-wanna-dance beat.) 

The bottom line is through all this, I learn something about myself. I figure something out. It’s not perfect. It might not stop me from reacting the next time. But what it does, is it helps me understand the human condition better. It helps me understand me, and accept myself in the moment. When I can understand and accept me and my emotions, I can better accept and understand others. 

Yes, I am thankful for this knowledge – or at my age can I call it wisdom? 

Reminding Myself to Live Whole-heartedly

I forgot. I got caught up in the media bombardment of all the devastation in the country, phone call scams, and the lack of good customer service from businesses that I was being torn away from myself. I feel crushed under the weight of media negativity. The constant pounding of all the horrors, drug problems, and things gone wrong in the world. It’s hard to get away from it. And they can’t just talk about it a couple of times. It’s over and over and over until your entire being is saturated with it all.

It’s the repetition. Repetition sticks. It’s how we learn: Alphabet, math, spelling, etc. But lately the repetition is of the negative kind. I call, “Stop!” This is not the kind of repetitive reinforcement that helps. Negativity breeds negativity and the media loves keeping everyone riled up because that’s what sells stories. People get caught in the “mob mentality” without truly understanding the situation. 

Think about it. People are addicted to negativity. They can’t get away from it. The more horrible, the more they want to hear about it, read about it, and see it. We’re constantly bombarded with it all and eventually we crack. It’s almost like they want a reason to be angry and cause a scene and the media keeps stirring the pot.

Yes, it’s good to know what’s going on in the state, country, and world, but it isn’t all bad – and it doesn’t have to be. We can choose what we want to hear, read, and see … and how much of it. Plus, I don’t want to be manipulated by the media. I don’t want commercials pounding products at me all day long. Isn’t it funny that we have such a huge drug problem and what are most commercials nowadays? Drugs! “Got these symptoms? Ask your doctor about …” So here, on one hand they’re saying how bad some drugs are and then they’re shoving other drugs down your throat. Again, think about it. What do you want in your life? And think about what kids are listening to and having beat into their minds. Is this what you want for your kids?

I think, too, we get so worked up by what’s going on out there, that we are not taking care of what’s here. We’re so busy looking at the bigger picture, we’re not working on making our lives better or helping our immediate family or community. (I’m not saying we shouldn’t be helping people recover from the hurricanes and such because we should.) But again, think about it. Where is your energy going? 

And, I have to stop talking and thinking about it, too! Too often, lately, I’ll go on a rant about these subjects and find myself getting worked up. I have to stop for my own well-being or I’ll slide into the well of miserable, hating people. So here again, I say, “I refuse!” I am pulling back. I am determined to live whole-heartedly. 

I’ll try even harder to not hear news, not see a headline. I won’t read the “Trending” news on Facebook and anyone who starts in on politics or other negativity, I’ll quickly pass by or “hide.” 

When I say “negativity,” I’m not talking about people having a hard time and needing a pep talk or advice. I don’t mean that people shouldn’t talk about issues. Talking is helpful. Just knowing that someone hears us and understands helps gives us the strength to go on. We all need support from time to time and sharing our personal stories can help one another. We experience life and we can’t hide from it. Something I go through may help you with something you’re struggling with and vice versa.

This is part of living whole-heartedly. I have to recognize what I need in order to be healthy in heart, body, and mind. That means taking care of me. Taking care of me, which includes my mental well-being, will allow me to have compassion for others. Taking care of me replenishes my energies and soul so that I have the strength and wisdom to offer others. 

I also recognize my strengths and weaknesses. This helps me know when, where, and how I can help others when it is needed. I look at how I can help family, friends, neighbors, and the community. I am not the out-going person who can jump on bandwagons and lead campaigns. I sit quietly in the background waiting for the right moment for which I am suited. I write stories, give words of encouragement, provide ideas.

Living whole-heartedly means avoiding the negativity we’re bombarded with from the media. It means knowing what I can do, what I’m willing to do, what I’m not willing to do, and having the courage to know when to say no. It’s knowing that I care about others. It’s knowing I will have pitfalls and knowing I will get back up. It’s knowing that every day I am doing the best I can and that I’ve done enough and I am enough.