Why do some people feel they should be given things and do nothing in return? I try to put myself in that spot and struggle with it. I’d feel so horribly guilty. Yes, I know, feeling guilty is one of those emotions that bring you down. Have I suffered some aspects of guilt for a good part of my life?
What do I feel guilty about? And how do I turn it around.
1.) Not appreciating my mother enough while she was alive. (Well, this is only partially true – I think it’s my own guilt why I make that statement.)
Oh, I have lots to say about my Mum, most of it positive. I love her soooo much, even though she’s no longer with me. But, towards the end of her life, I was frustrated. The most horrible is feeling guilty that I didn’t take care of her well enough in the end; that I let her go instead of giving her the care she craved. But I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t give her what she wanted and needed. I know that logically, but deep down will always be the guilt I didn’t do enough.
All my life, she did so much for me. She was always bailing me out when I was stupid about finances and overspent. Yes, she could be very critical and quick to find faults. But one thing I recognize now in her, of which I have a similar streak, is that she often made her own paths. I hadn’t noticed that when I was much younger.
Our similarities are in walking individual trails. Yes, there are family and friends, but I feel we have been different from most others. Heck, who taught me to be at peace in the woods? Who taught me not to be afraid while out by myself walking old trails? Who showed me it was OK to be solitary (though it was never specifically mentioned)?
What happened years later, especially after Margaret, her twin, went to a nursing home, was I felt Mum was trying to live through me. She got very controlling. Even when I was in my 50s, I felt I had to get her permission to do anything or go anywhere. Anything she disapproved of, I’d get the “attitude” and feel her disappointment. That made me pull away.
2.) Not being a good mother – because I’ve not been the type of mother/grandmother that so many other women are.
But is a lot of my guilt just because I am not like most others? I’ve been trying to describe and figure this out for years.
There has just been something inside me that couldn’t be this other kind of person – the kind of person others seemed to have expected of me. Or even as I expected of myself from witnessing how others were. But I just never could not be that way.
3.) Not being able to stay involved in groups or even wanting many of the things other people want. Something in me always took me more along solitary paths. It wasn’t that I didn’t try. I’d get bored or frustrated or other aspects of life took me in other directions.
4.) Not feeling I give as good as I receive. And where money is concerned, I’ve always had issues …
Yet, there’s something within that makes me want to give as I receive. Even in that desire, though, I struggle. As long as I have money to pay for things, there’s the exchange. But what happens when there is no money? Or if I feel what I’m being charged isn’t worth it. As I get older, it’s something I worry about. Especially as many things I am unable to do, I have to hire someone to do for me.
I continue on to walk my own path, become strong in who I am, and do what I CAN do.
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