Caught in Limbo or is it Fear of Failure

 

Rain beats on the roof and deck. The dark morning hasn’t gotten much lighter since I came out of the bedroom at 6 a.m. Across the brook, yellow leaves create a brighter palette behind the dark of hemlock branches, tree trunks, and paler, still-green other leaves. Not as bright as yesterday, though, as it’s a dreary day.

The scene looks so pretty, but photographs of this view come out blah. Not enough contrast, I guess. I like it, though, it helps create a wall around my property, my nest of safety, my little oasis, my place where I can try to shut out the world. Looking out the back, with the trees reaching high, I feel snuggled down deep in a nest.

 The other side of the nest, looking out the front windows, is across the street with the trees reaching tall behind the neighbors’ field and house. Tall trees on both sides of the house make the nest complete.

This reminds me of how I felt as a child. I could stand in the road in front of my house, and the tops of the trees surrounding our five-house neighborhood always made me feel like we lived in a nest. Going beyond the nest walls was stepping away from my comfort zone. (But that was only partly true because I always felt safe going out in the woods down back of my house, and back then, there were acres and acres of woods. There still is.)

Today’s home, I can also consider a nest within a nest. The house sits on a rise with the area on all four sides at a lower level. The back slopes off to the brook. The two sides of the house slope to a depression/water run-off from the road to the brook (during wet times), and the front yard slopes down to the road. Nest within a nest. I feel safe here and have great neighbors.

Morning pages done, Tuesday trash out by the curb, a few photos taken in the rain, and I am in limbo until it’s time for grocery shopping. That means I don’t want to get involved in a project.

I’ve been avoiding the studio. About the only time I went in there this week was when I brought the pots of lantana in from summering outside (and then I refused to look at the easels.) I’m scared to tackle painting again although I think about it all the time. I go through this occasionally after I have a … disappointing … session with painting.

When I go in the studio, I just automatically go to one of the three easels. Sometimes I intend to work on one painting but will find myself standing in front of another. Easel one holds my oldest in-process painting. Lately, I seem to drift to the other paintings. The painting on easel three is finished and I could take that off and set up for a new one.

But it’s the painting on easel two that’s causing me the heartache. It needs a delicate touch dealing with layers fog, sunlight, and shadow. There’s fog behind and around and sunlight streaking through and over. The last time I worked on it, I was so disappointed in myself, but when I did a quick peek the next day, I know I can salvage it.

However, there’s a fear inside me. Yes, I need this painting to be done as I have new ones waiting to be born. But there’s another issue, too, holding me back. The studio needs a good reorganizing. I have pastels, pencils, and photos all over the three workspaces and more.

It’s not just putting the supplies away and cleaning up, so I can start new. I purchased more pastel colors over the summer and still haven’t made room in the pastel trays. It seems I never have enough blues and greens – both of those colors are at two drawers each and now I need another drawer to expand both colors. (It’s a little aggravating because I did a total re-vamp last winter.)

Am I making excuses? Sounds like it. Why? Because I’m afraid I’ll fail, that I’ll not do a good enough job on this current problem-child painting. There! I admitted it. I’m afraid of failing.

There’s always the chance a painting won’t work out. There’s a few I let sit too long, lost interest, and didn’t finish. It’s one thing if the inspiration has come from one of my photos, but when I’ve received permission to use someone else’s photo, I feel obligated to do a good job and finish. Not that it really matters – but it matters to me!

So, I’m trying to summon up courage to face the fear and finish the job. Of course, right now, I have to go grocery shopping. Wish my luck – on both projects, ha-ha.