Give Your Mother Attention

 

This morning, I was thinking about my mum. I don’t remember her ever complaining about pain. Her issue was struggling to breathe as her COPD worsened. I always heard her comments on how she felt as complaints. She’d get frustrated with me and say, “Wait ‘til you’re my age, you’ll see.”

Well, now I am up there in age, and while I don’t have the issues she did, I am in pain a lot of the time. I can’t move about like I used to. Almost every day, I look to heaven and say, “I understand, Mum. You were right. I love you.”

Maybe this has led me to have a better understanding. It’s easy when we’re younger, and have never experienced chronic health issues, to brush old people off, to not want to listen to their problems.

Even though I knew she just needed to talk about it, it made me uncomfortable and unhappy to hear and witness her decline. I found ways to avoid it, pretend I didn’t see, wouldn’t listen.

All mum ever wanted, really, was someone to pay attention to her, to listen to her … but as her daughter, who loved her more than anything, I didn’t want to hear, couldn’t listen. Mum – my rock, my everything – to watch her become frail, see her struggle to breathe, become more miserable, more dependent, and eventually give up trying – my heart was breaking.

I admit I didn’t handle it as well as I could have. If I tried to talk about it, I’d either break down in tears or the frustration would come out as anger. Then it’d make her feel bad for upsetting me. And then I’d feel even worse that I upset her. Back and forth, ‘round and ‘round. All I can say is I did the best I could.

Of course, I could go on and list regrets and wished-I-hads, but I can’t change the past. And now that I am “up there,” I realize how important it is to be able to talk to someone and have them listen openly without trying to change or fix me. It’s not about having to do something for me or take care of me. It’s only about listening and sharing story.

Lesson: Take time to give a little attention and listen. Sometimes, talking to another person helps you feel better. It’s not about “fixing” someone or solving their problems. It’s taking a few minutes to witness a small portion of their life. It’s letting them know you see them, hear them. And sometimes that’s enough to raise their spirits.

So, to all of you who still have your mothers, don’t abandon or ignore them. She’s your mother! Call, visit, check in with them often. Let them tell you a story. Commiserate with them and be understanding of what they’ve gone through and are going through. Tell them you love them.