Questioning my Past

I’ve been sitting on an email without responding for a couple of days not knowing how to think, really. I’m not quite sure if there was a slight dig; to remind me of my faults which she’d gone into at length in January 2021. I always felt I was the one to give way and do what others wanted, but now I’m wondering… whose reality is true…

I suppose each of our realities is true to our individual selves. Being individual means we see differently on many things. Even if we’re in agreement, that doesn’t mean we see the situation the same way. We are not sheep. We don’t have the same brains. We have the ability to think for ourselves, our reasoning can take different avenues, past situations and upbringing play a part, etc.

I remember chuckling over my mum and aunt arguing when relating an event with each having a different spin even though they experienced it together at the same time. That’s when it hit me: We can go through the same event at the same time, and not have the same experience emotionally.

I’ve found that to be true in other instances. I’m now doubting my memories and the feelings I grew up with. I always felt I was the one who had to always fight to be heard, to be part of, and yet, I seldom felt accepted… because there was always that odd duck, lone wolf part of me. I never felt anyone truly liked me. I was unwilling to get on the latest fad bandwagons with clothes, music, etc. I wasn’t a girly-girl.

And now I’m wondering if I came on too strong with some things. Was I so unhappy I became unreasonable in insisting to do things my way when I got the chance? That because social life at school was so miserable for me, I went overboard on my home turf? Was I the one who instigated some things on the bus? Was I the one who set up ball games (we’d use jackets and stuff for bases?) Was it me who dictated the skating ponds in winter, where we rode our bikes, being out in the woods?

Those were the neighborhood/yard things. Maybe I was overbearing (is that the right word?) at home because it was the total opposite at school. At school, I was ridiculed, teased, tormented, and mentally beat down. So, on my home turf, I fought to be the leader… though I never saw myself a leader.

None of the few kids in my neighborhood who I hung out with were in any of my classes. This meant I was more comfortable around them whereas in school, I was the outcast. I was the girl from the wrong side of town (though in our town, there really wasn’t a “wrong” side, it was just our end was farther away from Exeter.) I didn’t wear the fancy clothes nor was I interested in dolls or girly things. (I always felt the boys had more fun things to do.)

There’s so much I don’t understand of why things were the way they were. I really don’t know why I felt no one liked me. Throughout the years, I’ve tried to figure it out. I don’t have answers, just lots of wonderings. I don’t know why I always felt defensive… because that’s not really me… or is it.  I dunno and I’m not sure where I’m going with this.

Perhaps I am/have been all those things I’ve been accused me of. I especially feel so nowadays. And I do have a lot of guilt because I’ve pulled back from a lot of socializing… even with family… and I can’t even describe how much that hurts… but I just can’t…  

I feel I have to stand up for myself and stand strong in who I am. I don’t feel I did that in my younger years… or I wasn’t successful at it. I feel most of my life was a struggle to be someone likeable when inside I was miserable because I was not being my true self. I swear, it feels most my younger life was spent in tears. (These days I still cry a lot, too, but these tears are for different reasons.)

The times I did try to stand up for myself, I was beat down. All of that has made me who I am today. I am not a head-to-head fighter. I am not willing to argue my point. These days, I stand stronger in my beliefs, though I still crawl off into a corner when someone slams me.

I am not a “save-the-world do-gooder.” And I don’t want to be. We don’t all have to be the same!

But this doesn’t mean I’m a bad person… even though I feel I am in others’ eyes. And I am not going to return the fault-finding. I’ve always believed that just makes a situation more volatile.

To live whole-heartedly, to me, is to take time to honor myself. It’s trying to be a good person and holding to my truths. It’s respecting other people may have different opinions. And it’s about setting some boundaries and being careful what I allow to affect me. It’s not a perfect world. We are not a perfect people. I do the best I can for my well-being and sanity.