There’s something within me that emotionally hurts. A hurt so deep from which I will never recover. Every so often, the subject comes up in my thoughts. The feeling brings tears, especially when I’m feeling lonely. I will never love/trust anyone (a man, a lover) ever again. EVER! Just thinking about it brings more tears.
I’ve been wanting to write about this for years but have never been able to find the right words. I certainly never want to be insulting to anyone or have them misunderstand, and I’m afraid of being all alone in how I feel. I’m afraid if I say how I truly feel, others will slam me. Today, though, the words seem to be coming. Maybe it’s time that I can talk about this fear of love that is bottled inside.
I wonder if, years ago, I loved, then was hurt, too deeply that that part of me has been destroyed. Yet there’s something within me that misses the cuddling, handholding, hugs… but not the sex. Sadly, there’s something inside me that equates love with sex… and I hate that! I know love isn’t really about sex, which is one reason why I feel messed up in my head.
(Sex isn’t real love – it’s only a physical urge that needs to be released – but, for some reason that part of me is afraid others will hear the word love and think sex. I know, it sounds stupid, even to me, but that’s how I feel. I’m afraid to really say I love anyone for fear they’ll mistake my meaning.)
And, unfortunately, those past experiences of being in love with a man have colored all other aspects of love (which it shouldn’t, but it makes me so afraid to love.) Yet, when I think how much I love my kitty, Pele, and even neighbor kitty Leo, tears fill my eyes. So, I’m capable of love. I just don’t trust loving a man.
I have friends and family who, after many years, reached the point in their relationships that the partners are best friends and soulmates. They still love one another after all they’ve been through during their marriages. And I do have friends and family whom I love, but still, there is fear inside…
I try to figure this all out. How did I get so damaged? I’m not blaming my old partners. And, when you’re young, things are different.
There are many aspects of love. There’s the love of family. We first learn to love our parents, siblings, grandparents, and other relatives. Even friendships can turn into loving friendships. There’s going to church and learning how we’re supposed to love God… but I eventually learned to even mistrust that as I came to see it as being something taught by men (and women) to control others. (That doesn’t mean I’m not a spiritual being.) We’re taught to love country and government, but again…
Then there’s the love of things which can be individual likes or getting caught up in the latest fads. There’s the hero worship of celebrities and more. I can make a long list of loves: music, flowers, painting, reading, studying history, etc.
I have family and good friends whom I love. But I feel I tiptoe in fear of being thrown aside if I say or do something they don’t like. I’m afraid of being shunned and ridiculed again… as it’s happened my entire life…
After my mum passed away, I was totally alone and pulled back further and narrowed my world. And, with what’s happened the last two years, I’m becoming even more of a recluse and I choose to be so.
Well, I feel a bit better now that I’ve finally been able to talk about this. Living a creative, whole-hearted life means I need to delve into issues that affect me. It’s shining a light into the darkest parts of my soul to release the grief. Breathe in… breathe out… Ahhhh.
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