On Sadness Part 1

I want to talk about the sadness – not for someone to “save” me or tell me what to do or insist I “ask for help” (yeah, like I’d ever call some organization and ask for help from a stranger; I’d rather die) – but just to be able to talk about what I’m experiencing.

I’ve been incredibly sad for quite a while now. Tears fall at least three-four days a week. It’s from a myriad of things/reasons from what’s going on in the country and world to the challenges life is presenting and more. (It’s one thing to deal with the issues that come up naturally, but those I believe to be totally unnecessary and dictated by those wanting to control the masses are what really drive me into a hole. I feel there is no hope for the U.S. and its citizens.)

Oh, I know. Everyone has reasons and are quick to tell others what to think and do… and they have a right to their beliefs. I’m just so tired of it all! I’m tired of town/government taking more and more. I’m tired of escalating prices while big corporations and the wealthy get even richer. I’m tired of all the fundraising/begging. (I know, there are a lot of needy out there, but when does it stop? It doesn’t lessen but escalates and there are fundraisers nowadays for everything.) (And I know, there are no real answers on how to solve the problems.)

I’m tired of all the surveys wanting to know my opinion when I know they don’t really give a shit. I’m tired of things always seeming to go wrong (that’s not totally true but sometimes it feels that way.) I’m tired of having products shoved in my face. I’m tired of not being able to trust anything anymore… now that I’ve become more aware of the lies and deceits (and seeing similar situations from history of what has happened throughout the ages.)

I’m tired of being afraid to speak my truth for fear of being slammed. (I have a right to my opinions, but it seems that these days only certain views are allowed to be expressed publicly.) I’m tired of being asked to join all kinds of groups, clubs, and even businesses requiring you to be a member to receive benefits. (What do they do, jack up their prices to everyone else?) And then there are the “sign on” lower rates to get your business, then in two years, the prices escalate and escalate. (I was once told by one of the installers that you just have to keep changing back and forth between companies every time your “trial” period runs out.)

I’m tired of having to do everything myself. There are other things I want to be doing. I don’t mind DIY for some things, but I miss the days when repairmen would come and fix something. And, it seems, it all takes twice as long to get things done.

I’m sad because my goal of setting myself up to be able to kind of “coast” through my last years has failed and I’m scared for the future. How many more Americans are going to end up homeless? Will I?

Yeah, there are “benefits” for older people but finding your way through all the automated technology to get that help is daunting. I become a raving lunatic before I can get to a real person… and then I can’t get answers. I’ve been told I need to call someone else, or the person you finally get to is in some other part of the country (if in this country at all) and they don’t cover this area. (I’ve decided to REFUSE to talk to and listen to MACHINES!)

Or they have such a heavy accent and talk so fast, I can’t get what they’re saying. (I don’t have a problem with accents except over the phone – and being older, I swear it takes my brain longer to be able to decipher what they’re saying.)

Another issue which adds to the sadness is I don’t want to be out in public anymore. I don’t want to go to events, be around people. I don’t want to be with anyone I can’t speak freely around. I don’t want to pussyfoot around topics. I don’t want to feel looked down on if I don’t agree with them.

Oh, when I do go out, I put on the happy, friendly act and take time to compliment people, speak kindly and all that. It’s not really an act. It’s how I want to be – friendly, compassionate, and courteous. Even those I don’t care for, those who say things I don’t like; I won’t confront them. They’re allowed to think for themselves as is I. I just won’t want to be with them again.

I’ve been called selfish. In some ways, I am. It’s just at this stage of my game, I am unwilling to deal with disrespect. It seems respect has become a word from the past replaced with all these new terms that sound pretty and well-intentioned, but in reality, are words used to cover up what’s really going on. (My opinion.)