Lack of Belonging

Yesterday, driving home, I was thinking how I live here in Hillsborough, but I don’t feel like I belong. When I was in Bradford, I felt I belonged… but no more. It’s funny, but a part of me would like to move back to Kensington where I grew up, but I wouldn’t belong there either.

But I suppose that’s what it’s about when you’re a bit of a loner. I’m not comfortable in groups. Been there many times and it never works out well. I just don’t get on well in groups. Here again I realize it’s because I don’t adhere to others’ dictates. I don’t play the politics game. Things that aren’t fair and logical set my hackles rising and I want to “fix” things, but my way of making things right don’t fall into how others want to see changed.

The funny thing is they always ask for ideas on how to improve, but whenever I suggest anything, it’s frowned on. Guess it’s just my weirdo stuff and my refusal to jump on popular bandwagons because that’s what everyone else is doing.

It’s my mother coming out in me. She didn’t run in a herd, either. She was a more of a lone wolf, too. I’m a multicolored lone wolfe standing apart and pretty much alone. (Hence, I even put an e at the end of my last name when I changed my name.) (Sounds like there should be a poem in all this, ha-ha.)

I need to write more about this concept of belonging as that is what draws people together. People always want to feel they belong somewhere and belong to something. I hear people talk about this often. I suppose, too, it’s an anchoring point. I don’t feel anchored anywhere except in my painting and writing. Even this house, which I’ve said is my last house and that I’ll only leave when I die, is only a temporary place. I don’t belong here. I don’t know where I belong.

There’s something kind of sad about this. I don’t have my finger on it yet, though. I’m not even sure what the answer is for me. Then, too, I totally believe we are not all meant to be the same. Yes, there those who are more comfortable with a herd mentality, but there are those who prefer to be solitary. And there’s nothing wrong with that!