Reflections on Christmas

Giving – Christmas for my mum was ALL about GIVING! She loved buying things for others. Any time she was out shopping, no matter the time of year, if she saw something she thought someone would like, she’d get it and put it away until Christmas. (I think she started this because Dad was often out of work part of the year and funds were limited.)

Mum was always conscious of making sure Don and I had the same number of gifts (because you know kids count, ha-ha) …. I remember one year, we got 25 gifts each! Don and I were the only two kids in our family, so it wasn’t hard for the aunts and uncles to contribute, too. And those single aunts and uncles always came to our house! Christmas, for us, was THE most special time of the year with lots of gifts, family, and huge meals!

Oh, the Christmas cards, too. I remember so many cards. They were part of the Christmas decorations as Mum, then later me, hung them all around. I loved them. It was fun seeing who would send cards and sending them in return.

How did Mum find the balance all those years? I’m sure buying throughout the year worked because of their limited budget, and I’m betting the money wasn’t always even. Even as a young child, I was aware Dad’s side of the family gave Don more expensive, better-quality gifts than they gave me. I was never jealous, but I wondered. Mum always said it was because Don was a boy, and it was tradition for boys to get more. (Years later when I turned 50, I found out the real reason… but that’s another story.)

That giving was instilled in us. Even when we were kids, Mum would put our names on gifts, so we felt we were giving, too. Then, when we became older and got jobs, we did our own purchasing of gifts. I remember Mum being hurt when all she used to get were things for the house… when she would have liked something personal for herself. That certainly gave me more to think about, especially when it came my turn to receive a toaster or a new set of dishes that everyone used.

Buying gifts has always been difficult for me and has given me much guilt. Not that I didn’t want to give, it was knowing what to give and being able to afford it. I’ve never been a happy shopper. I wouldn’t get into the spirit of giving until the holiday season, then I’d get over flustered trying to make choices. Stupid things bothered me like worrying about wasting money buying something someone wouldn’t like.

Our tradition continued when Don and I became adults and had our own children; I, two and he, one. But times and things changed, and different rules were made. When my kids became adults and had children of their own, they chose to stay home for Christmas.

We still continued to exchange gifts, but as more years passed, more changes came about. I don’t even remember them all, except all the kids (I have 11 grandchildren!) each had to get $50 gifts, and we were told what we could buy and what we couldn’t buy. What happened to surprise? It took all the fun out of giving. Mum felt the same, too. She and I became more isolated. Christmas didn’t mean the same anymore and we stopped exchanging gifts. In the end, it basically became just her and I.

I pulled back even more after she passed… on a Christmas morning in 2011. Her favorite day of the year. Oh, I don’t regret her passing on her favorite day. For her, it was fitting, but how could I ever deal with another Christmas again? My mum… my rock… (I won’t even mention how the next few Christmases were for me.)

However, a couple years ago, I started reaching out again. I sent Christmas cards, sent gift baskets to family and friends. But times are different. The Christmases I knew of the past can never be again. I accept that. I can’t make the old days happen again, can’t bring back those old feelings of comforting, loving joy. I know, people make new traditions. We all make our own choices.

And my choice is to isolate. (Although, if family does show up on Christmas Day, I am overjoyed!) I spend the day alone with lots of tears (even after all these years). My neighbor makes me a nice dinner. Last year I got surprised with visits from family, which was totally wonderful.

However, will I ever be able to talk about any of this with family? I don’t know. My guilt isolates me… and a big part of me wants to stay isolated. Plus, I can’t talk about this without tears falling. I never admitted this before, but I am lonely. OK, most the time I’m too busy to be lonely, but the aloneness sometimes gets to me. It’s not that I want someone here all the time. For the most part, I like being alone, but sometimes, just to have some family time…

It’s hard to feel loved when you’re alone, too, which is another subject, and one I’ve been unable to come to terms with yet.

This year, I’ve added more colored lights to the Christmas décor in my house. The pretty colors help when days are dark and night comes quickly.