Saying Sorry Doesn’t Make It Better

 

I learned a harsh lesson years ago. 

I was always one of those people who apologized for everything. Even if it wasn’t my fault, I’d apologize.

The last job I had at the factory I worked at for almost 30 years was running a stockroom. There were aspects I loved about the job: purchasing supplies, unpacking them, and putting them away on shelves, etc. Unfortunately, there were issues in the business where my integrity was constantly being challenged and it drove me to the brink.

I got to a point where I was so unhappy and frustrated on the job, that I took my anger out on almost anyone who showed up at the window requesting supplies … and mostly it was against men. (Sorry, guys.) They didn't deserve it. And then I’d feel bad for acting that way. There were days I was a screaming lunatic.

For some reason, though, I believed as long as I apologized afterwards, it’d be OK. “I’m sorry” would make others forgive me.

One day, I went off on one of the guys I disliked the most (not his fault). The next day when I said, “I’m sorry,” I’ll never forget his reply (and just thinking about it now, even after 40 years, brings tears …)

He said, very softly, “Do you think saying sorry will ever take back the hurtful words you said yesterday?”

Wow, it was a punch to the gut, albeit a soft punch. I felt what he meant. That this big man could be so kindly towards me after how I treated him… and treated him often…

This was also the time where my boss would come up to me and pull me aside to say, “Nobody likes you. Nobody wants to work with you.” He never asked me to change my ways, just told me two or three times a week, among other things, “Nobody likes you. Nobody wants you here.” That certainly didn’t help my attitude. I’d cry on the way to work and cry all the way home, every day.

Even though those end days at that place were horrific for me (took me years to recover), I never forgot the words of the man who was always kind to me even when I was nasty to him. I really am sorry how I treated some people. Taking your frustration out on others is never a good thing. I hope they have forgiven me… and maybe one or two may even read this and...

Heartfelt Conversations from Two Different Views

Carol and I have been having deep conversations lately on a topic that is not often openly talked about because there are so many sides and beliefs – especially these days when people easily take offense.

Religion can be a tough subject. I’d gone to church off and on as a kid, was very involved in my younger adult life years… then wasn’t. I had too many questions, too many aspects of church that seemed illogical. I got turned off by what I saw as “man-made religions” and too often saw things go on that seemed to be against everything I believed “should be” God-like. I studied other beliefs, and in the end, developed my own spirituality. But this is me. 

Carol grew up in the Catholic faith, so we have totally different points of view and beliefs. Yet, what is most fascinating is we can talk openly and honestly with each other without the other getting frustrated of taking offense. There is not even a hint of, “How can you believe that?”

Our conversations are not a debate with one side trying to prove the other wrong. There is no right or wrong here. It’s about respecting each other’s beliefs. I listen to her talk about aspects of the more formal religion and rituals. I hear her question her religion and give honest and supportive feedback. She asks me about the few times I’ve seen ghosts or spirits and listens to my stories with interest and curiosity. We may not always agree, but it’s so refreshing to be able to talk freely, and we really listen to what each other is saying.

How awesome that I can share my beliefs with someone who doesn’t have the same views. It’s not about judgement. It’s sharing our stories and learning about who we are. I don’t try to make her see things my way, nor does she force her views on me.

Am I going to turn into a Christian? No, and I don’t have to. Nor do I expect her to change her beliefs. But that doesn’t mean I can’t listen and give supportive feedback. The same goes for her.

Wouldn’t it be interesting if there could be more conversations like this – with other topics.

 

 

Hard Lesson Learned About Getting Permission First

 

There are times when we have to weigh right and wrong, even in gray areas. Maybe we just have to follow what is right in our hearts, always respect others, and know the importance of asking permission.

I should have known better, and I did know better, but I so wanted to do this painting… 

I saw a photo on a friend’s FB page and so fell in love. I just had to do it! I assumed the guy posting took the photo as he often posts beautiful scenes of places he’s hiking. I sent a request for permission to use the photo for inspiration. He’d done so before, so I assumed he’d do so again. (You know what they say about assumption.) 

I didn’t wait to get the actual word. I expected to get the OK and dove right in to work. I copied the photo to my For Paintings folder and, from the computer, did an initial charcoal drawing on 6 x 9 sketch paper to see how the scene would lay out. Yes, this will work. I was so excited! 

I did a little editing to the photo, then printed it in color and in grayscale. (I use the grayscale version to help with values.) I also printed two cropped areas to enable me to see more detail in those areas of the landscape where I couldn’t quite see in the full photo. But I didn’t stop there. I figured I’d, at least, start the beginning sketching for the actual paintings.

I pulled out a few already cut sheets of BFK Rives paper and chose one. I altered the size to make it fit the scene better, and still using charcoal, I put in the initial lines and some of the shapes.

Throughout the three hours of working, my mind kept wondering, “What if I don’t get permission?” I pushed those thoughts aside. Of course, he’ll give me permission. They kept coming back. I should’ve listened. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about the picture. I even dreamed about it during the night. The scene was calling me… but at the same time, that hint of doubt permeated.

The next morning there still wasn’t a permission notice, so I asked again, this time also asking if he took the photo. A little while later, his wife posted that he didn’t take the photograph.

I was devastated! This led to a huge dilemma as to moving forward. It weighed on my conscience and consumed me. I went back to the original photo to see if I could see a signature on it. No. Something tickled the back of my mind. Had I seen this particular scene posted before?

So, what does this mean? Should I give up after all that time spent working on it? And if I continued, how could I ever again say I never use anyone else’s photograph without permission? I cannot lie… or I could, but I would be haunted, and every time I looked at the painting, I’d feel guilty for not having permission to use the photo. Honesty and integrity are of the utmost importance to me.

My emotions were at war with what I felt is ethical and the pull to do this as a painting. The picture was screaming at me to paint it. The dilemma caused a lot of anxiety over a few days. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The scene and issue invaded my sleep.

Yes, I know if I continued with the painting, I could never show it. And part of my journey as an artist is to show and talk about my process. Could I be happy just doing it for myself? But part of who I am is to share beauty, and that’s through my photography, words, and paintings.

I even thought about excuses to continue. I’m not selling or promoting the photo as my own. I’m only using it as inspiration. My painting is not going to be exact to the photo. I would dearly love to give photo credit where due, but if I don’t know, is it OK to credit “Unknown Photographer?”

I thought about people posting photos to FB and never signing them and how others will share those photos. Who asks permission to that? And isn’t that why we post photos; for others to enjoy and share?

I don’t sign my photos when I post to FB; if someone takes and uses one as inspiration for a painting, I am honored they would deem one of my photos interesting enough to paint. Their painting isn’t my work. It’d be different and wrong if they were selling my photo. I’m not selling their photo. I’m just using it for inspiration. Still, I want to honor and give credit to the photographer.

I so wish I hadn’t fallen in love with this photo. It’s haunting me so much I want to cry. Guess I just have to give it up as a hard lesson learned. I just don’t feel right moving ahead.

I posted my dilemma on an FB pastel artists’ page. I knew in my heart what I should do (or in this case, shouldn’t.) In the past, I’d researched copyright rules for my own photographs, but I also know there are gray areas and some people don’t care and will “steal” other people’s photos.

But does it apply in this case? I’m not taking someone else’s photo to say it’s my own. I’m only borrowing the image to create a painting. My painting isn’t an exact replica of any photo. I use lots of artistic license. Or I could claim ignorance over everything, pretend I didn’t know. Plus, what are the chances the person who really took the photo would ever know? (‘Course, that’s a chance.) But in my heart, I’d know.

People were really gracious in offering advice. Some said go for it as long as I keep the painting for myself and never exhibit it at a show or enter it into a contest. Others were very much about protecting photographers’ rights. A few mentioned comments like the painting not being the photographer’s work. Most said if I did finish the painting to never post it on social media.

In the end, I decided to put the work away. I still may finish it just for myself some time, but for now… I still feel too bad. If I went ahead and did it, I know I’d love it, but inside I’d always have some guilt in me. I wouldn’t ever dare say again that my work is from my own photos or with permission from others. That just goes against me being honest.

And the funny thing? Once I came to my decision, I was able to let it go, and I don’t even care now. (Of course, I won’t look at it, ha-ha.) I put it away under other undone pictures. Who knows, maybe some day I’ll see a similar scene for which I can get permission and can use this work to redevelop it to a new painting.

February 12 Workings on 'The Hill in Winter'

I first tackled removing the hint of black post extending into the sky from the original charcoal sketch. That was a chore! I tried pipe insulation, paper towel, two different kinds of eraser until I finally pulled out the electric eraser. Finally.

Then I had to repair the sky, and in doing so, I added more lighter clouds and brightness along the horizon. I worked downward sharpening the mountain line and adding more blue and light color used in the sky with a very gentle touch. Now I’m thinking it needs to be more of a navy blue.

Moving farther down, I worked the trees with some black, some dark green, and some mid-tone green. I used a reddish brown for bare deciduous trees and for touches in the background. The same light blue used in sky and mountains was also laid down along the hill of snow.

I defined clearer upper contours in the hill, made the stone wall (and added the foreground bigger stone wall.) I put in background green foliage and red brown grasses and saplings and threw some texture in the foreground trees to give reference to the composition. (I know, the branches of those foreground trees are not right … yet.)

I was hesitant to tackle the birch trees, but finally went at it with CarboOthello pencils. I was interrupted before I could do more. It was time to quit anyway as my legs and feet were aching. 

Progress made. No complaints – although as I edited the progress photo, I made notes on what to “fix” next time I get in the studio.

 

Beginning to Add Color to 'The Hill in Winter'

I finished 21-001 “River Sunset” and wasn’t ready to leave the studio. This one was still in its initial charcoal sketch, so I decided to add a little color to  starting with pan pastel for the under painting beginning with a light gray. I put some blue in the mountains and a hint in the snow.

What was challenging in this scene is, in using two photos to create the composition, the skies don’t match. This meant I had to create how I thought the sky would work best.

I added Mount Vision dark blue gray for the heavier clouds. Next a lighter blue gray for highlights to the clouds and then I layered in Sennelier pale gray blue. I experimented with swirls and swipes to achieve in interesting effect.

What was different about this painting, instead of working on the entire sky all at once like I usually do, once I had the initial couple layers down, I worked smaller sections at a time creating contours movement. I like the results. Am I done with the sky? Probably not, ha-ha.

I put some navy blue along the mountain ridge. I’m not sure if it’s too blue yet. Of course, once other aspects start coming along, I’m sure it’ll look fine. I’m excited about this one. 

River Sunset in its Finished Stage

 Of course, I should have pushed and finished it the other day. Today, I struggled to get the finishing touches. The big tree on the right gave me the most problems. I so struggled with the leaves and trying to come up with colors that would show up. The original photo is dark, and I want the painting to be bright … but still real.

I’m still finding out how to work sitting on the wheelie stool and finding a comfortable spot for my feet. The bottom of the stand-up easel hurts my instep.

I worked on the water, the pile of rocks in the middle of the river (well, what I made a pile of rocks), foreground rocks, and bushes. I added blue to the foreground rocks and more vegetation between some of the rocks for pops of color. I was reaching the point where every mark made it look worse.

This is the point where I have to say, “Enough,” and consider it done. My signature came out bigger than I normally do. From a distance, this looks amazing! And, of course, it looks much better in person than the photo shows.

And once again, a huge thank you to Megan Fowler for her reference photo.

Update on "River Sunset" pastel painting

I was busy the last few days and didn’t get in the studio. I slipped in after lunch wondering if this would be the day I’d finish.

I worked a bit on the trees and touching up the distance, then I tackled more of the bush in the front. I played around with a couple different colors for the leaves … not exactly matching the photo but making them so they stand out. I love how it created distance.

 I also added brighter colors to the right-hand tree foliage and re-defined branches. Then I began tackling the rocks. That funky-shaped rock in front of the bush is difficult. I had trouble with the edges of the pastels. There are too many layers now to allow for good pastel pencil work.

It was hard working detail that low on the painting. I did something I’ve never done before – I pulled the stool out from under the table and sat down. Of course, this put my face closer to the pastel dust. I wasn’t wearing a mask nor did I have the fan on.

But the work went OK, not perfect, but I’m not going to complain. I worked mostly with black and gray for the rocks, then used fall colors and some green to add more vegetation. I used some white to highlight the water.

This might be one of my favorite paintings ever! Next time, I’ll finish with some touch ups and, hopefully, feel ready to sign it.

Thank you, Megan Fowler, for the inspiration photo.

"River Sunset" on 13 1/2 x 10 BFK Rives paper using a variety of pastels. 

Today's progress here to compare to the last work done on Thursday below..