Picking Myself Back Up and Daring Greatly

Yesterday I had an emotional crash and burn. I feel double whammied lately with the constant hammering of COVID-19 news and politics. Every day I get up telling myself I’m going to have a good day, but it doesn’t take long before some bit of news sends me crashing.

It’s hard to avoid. It’s everywhere; the little bit of radio I listen to when I first get up, to Facebook postings and headlines, to phone calls, to having donation ads or news updates pop up on TV shows. I can’t even check my weather app without an update on how many people infected in the state and how many deaths! What does that have to do with weather?

Yesterday it all got to me, I crashed, and I couldn't shake it. It was like I was/am being smothered in all the liberal bullshit and hatred and now the constant info about COVID-19. I’m fighting off depression every day now. The more hatred and scaremongering put out for all to see, the more it permeates.

What’s kind of (not) funny is -- if the hatred bandied about these days was towards anyone of color, ethnic group, or religion, people would be screaming prejudice and discrimination. So why is it OK to do it to someone who is white and the PRESIDENT of this country?

What's hard, is I know I'm supposed to be understanding and allow people to have their own opinions, but the hatred and the constant Trump-bashing ... I don't think any president has ever gone through this. It's mean! It's disrespectful ... not only to him, but those who try to work with him, his supporters, his family and friends, AND the country! Going after the President of the United States like they have been for the past four years is dishonoring the USA and what we all stand for!

I find that disgusting, and when I think of the thousands (maybe millions) of dollars spent on this hatred campaign – monies that could have gone into programs to help Americans – it saddens me.

I’m not saying Trump is an angel. Looking back through history, not every president has been great. No leaders ever are, really – they are human, after all. But, with everything we can learn from history, you’d think our leaders should be working together to make this country great! Yes, there will always be disagreements. Compromises need to be made. However, what’s going on now isn’t making our country great, it’s breaking it.

The country is so divided, I can't see how they're getting anything good done. It’s no longer what’s good for the people, but one side against the other side. Personally, I’d rather see my tax dollars going towards programs that will actually work and help Americans.

And what's worse, this whole thing is making me hate them! (And “them” encompasses anyone who tries to harm others – and yes, I now recognize I’m sliding into being intolerant – of those who would do harm.) I wouldn't even be able to sit and have a chat with any of them because I'd get so overwhelmingly upset. Makes me want to get a gun ... and I'm not like that. I am so ashamed how the liberals have been acting ... and the bullshit programs they're pushing through on the pretense of helping people. All the pretty words and meaningless promises, that if you really think about it, are impossible to bring to fruition. Yet people fall for it.

It's making me feel less compassionate towards people. And that they're actually promoting bringing socialism ... To me, socialism is another blindfold to the people giving more power to those in control. It sounds wonderful on paper, but it has never worked in reality.

I'm feeling better about things this morning and I'm working through this. I don't know if I'm getting less tolerant as I get older or if I'm seeing things with more open eyes now. It's definitely making me less tolerant of stupidity and lies and deceit and ... George Orwell's "Animal Farm" and "1984" come to mind and is coming true.

I don't know if I dare write how I feel ... Dare Greatly, right? But I'm always afraid of being slammed for speaking up. But, isn't it time the other side speaks up more? Isn't it time people call them out for their hatemongering? Will I be isolating myself even more if I speak my truth?

But if I think of living wholeheartedly, I need to be comfortable speaking my truth. Living wholeheartedly doesn’t mean I need to be ashamed when I have not-so-good feelings. It means daring greatly to talk about it, to work through it, to understand not only my beliefs, but see where others come from, too. It means daring greatly to climb out on that uncomfortable limb to look at why and admit my struggles.

If we all strived to live wholeheartedly, how might we change some of the negativity? How might we understand one another and learn to work better together? That doesn’t mean we have to like everything others do and say, but when we understand where they are coming from, it might make us a little more tolerant.

A Lesson in Not Being so Hard on Myself

A comment on yesterday’s posting of my progress painting on the HowtoPastel site, led me to a revelation. A woman said I was too hard on myself and I can see what to do different next time.

I thanked her and started to reply, “I don’t expect to be perfect …” I was going to add, “but when I expect a certain look …,” it hit me.

That word, expect, yanked on the reins of my thought process putting a halt on my explaining what I expect when doing a painting. After all, how can I put my full expectations on a painting when I ask the muses and the painting itself for help?

Asking for help and allowing it to happen means giving up some control in what I’m doing. When I open myself to unseen help, the work becomes a collaboration between myself and whatever spirit wants to help, and if this is how I choose to work, I have to stop being so critical of myself and accept maybe this was how the picture is meant to be.

I’ve said before it seems my hands and my logical mind don’t always work together. I believe it’s at these times the other is helping.

This doesn’t mean I can’t make changes. I still have to be satisfied and the painting still needs to be good. “Good” being a flexible word as in good enough … but by whose standards? What does good mean to me?  And if it’s “good enough,” does that mean not quite as good as something else? Maybe I need to just call it “Good!” and not add enough. Yeah, it’s good, period.

There comes a time, too, when I have to stop working, call it done, and move on. I can’t keep trying to make it perfect, which maybe I keep trying to do even when I’m telling myself I don’t. It doesn’t have to look like the photo, because the way I work, it can’t, plus that expected finished look in my mind doesn’t translate out my hands. Walking away also means to stop finding faults. When done, stop performing autopsies on the paintings!

Taking this thinking further, I wonder if my striving for clean sharp lines comes from the types of paintings I like. The way I work, though, and the medium I work in, doesn’t lend itself to that kind of detail (although there are pastel artists who can achieve that look.) However, that’s not my way of working.

When I stop trying to make my paintings perfect, I enjoy what I do. Standing back a few feet, my paintings are beautiful, and I love them, and love my paintings. I will always evolve and get better … better, not perfect. The real goal is to have fun and love what I’m doing. How can I complain when I’m doing that?

Living Alone in a Time of Social Distancing

I love living alone, so why am I struggling with the current situation? This morning, while watching the waters of the brook gushing along with leaps of whitewater as it crashes around and over rocks, I ponder these feelings taking over my well being.

Rain continues to fall soaking everything outside. The birdbaths are full … not that there are any birds around right now. My new under counter lights are turned on, along with the ones on top of the cabinets, which help make my kitchen not so gloomy.

I contemplate my mental melancholy, wondering why I feel this way. I wonder about people who are truly alone. How are they coping? Do they have family checking in on them? What about the older ones who relied on community programs for socializing and companionship?

Then I think, what do I have to complain about, really? Most the time, all I ever want is to write, do my art, take photos, cuddle my lovely Pele-kitty and the handsome Leo-cat, and go out in the yard for gardening in good weather. I have internet and phone, so I have people I can talk to and write to … and there’s TV to watch at night to escape from the every day.

I am fortunate, too, as my neighbor, Andy, comes over every day to check on me and help with things. He recently installed the new lights, put up the new back splash in the kitchen, and installed the new bidet seat on the toilet. He loves to cook and makes sure I eat. (I’m terrible when it comes to cooking and eating.)

So, why do I have these moments of deep sadness?

Part of it is the current events of the world which now affects us here at home. I feel the daily bombardment of the depressing news is a dark cloud smothering the earth. I can’t get away from it. (I’m way too much of an empath!) It’s everywhere and everyone is talking about it and is affected by it. People are panicking, hoarding, and some are preparing for an apocalypse.

We are being pushed farther and farther apart. For the most part, I understand the necessity, but it’s going to be playing havoc on us as human beings. We’re social creatures. We need touch. We need physical hugs. What’s going to happen to us as this continues? Can any of us really know? We can only do the best we can.

I don’t know if there are any real answers. I go back to thinking about living a wholehearted, creative life. For me, it means avoiding news. There are days when I feel I’ve heard too much, and I just want to grab a knife and slit my wrists. Not that I’d really do that. But it makes me understand how/why people reach a breaking point.

So, to prevent me from total meltdown, I won’t listen to news. I hide posts on FB. I won’t watch videos. In the evening, I cover up the corner of the TV where now almost every program is flashing some news about COVID-19 or about donations needed. I play music that brightens my moods … and I write and paint and read. I have a few people I email often and a couple I’ll call on the phone.

One challenge this week will be the need to get groceries. My legs give me problems these days – especially standing any length of time – which means the lines getting into the store and at the cash register will be torture, and I’ll suffer for a couple days afterwards. But I’ll do it, and I’ll get by. (Just hope I can get the items I need/want.)

I may like living alone, but I miss my weekly breakfasts with Nan, standing at the end of the driveway talking to neighbors, and having someone stop in for a quick chat. These little interactions are so important to me and help me not feel lonely.

That all said, I’ll do what I need to do to get by and continue to strive to live a wholehearted, creative life.

Sometimes Living Wholeheartedly is Challenged Big Time

I faced today with an early obstacle – Pandora radio wouldn’t play. It seems every year when my renewal is up, I go through crap with them. And I PAY so I don’t have to listen to commercials! I wasted much time researching and sending messages to resolve the issue.

I finally resorted to looking up Amazon music … which I’ve been listening to today. BUT, I spent years building my Pandora music list. I don’t have it in me to start all over with a new music program. I’m so despondent over starting anew I feel like throwing up.

Pandora got back to me late this afternoon with questions as to my problem. Hello! Don’t they understand English? I pay so I don’t get commercials, so why do I have to turn off my ad blocker so they can play commercials?

Later I couldn’t get online to pay my credit card bill. One of those “due to a high volume” messages and “try back later.” I went back and forth four times and still can’t access to pay my bill.

Little things added up and now, at day’s end, I’m mentally drained. I did get in the studio for a couple of stints today, but with all this other stress … I’m too mentally exhausted to cry.

And lately, my evening stint of escape TV isn’t much of an escape when there are constant pop up ads about the coronavirus and begging for donations. I’m tired. I’m tired of it all being jammed in my face or in my ears. I’m even too fed up to be ornery!

And where’s my living wholeheartedly attitude? At the moment it’s been beaten into the ground. I just want to crawl into bed and pull the blankets over my head and hibernate.

I just have to keep telling myself tomorrow will be better.