I wanted to be alone. I envisioned myself living alone. I needed to be alone to get a rest from taking care of Mum at the end of her life. I looked forward to being alone. I finally got my wish after she died, and it was an extremely heavy price to pay.
She loved me so much. I loved her so much, too, even though she was very controlling. It so totally broke my heart watching her decline and become helpless … and hopeless. It took a lot out of me. I felt I was losing me, hence why I dreamed of being alone.
My daily prayers for her are that she is finally getting a rest from always feeling she had to take care of us/me. I pray that every day she is happy, content and satisfied.
But, oh, I miss her so much. She needed a break from me, and I needed a break from her. I cannot think of her and not have tears. On one hand, I know I did the best I could, but there’s always the guilt I should have done more.
Yes, as she declined, everything fell on my shoulders. However, I managed, and while she could no longer help with anything, she was still present to give feedback or just be there with me.
Now, 14 years later (has it been that long?) I’ve had my time alone. Now, I AM lonely, and I’m feeling helpless and alone. I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t deal with the pressures of life with taking care of everything alone. Today’s technology has me overwhelmed and frustrated, and yet, I don’t want to LIVE with anybody. I just don’t want to be alone …
These days, I’m losing it. “Mum, did you feel this way, too?” I’m lost and floundering. I’m not even sure what I want any more – just to do my art, but too much crap gets in the way and with everything on my shoulders, I’m such a wreck.
It’s my choice to live alone. Yes, I have had much guilt over this as I’ve isolated myself from family.
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