Love, Belonging, Being Alone

I continue the topic of love, of not feeling loved, not feeling I can ever fully love again…

Something else came to me the other night: Mum always had me. I was always so close to her. Yeah, I may not have always been exactly how she wanted me to be, but I was there for her as she was always there for me... until the end when I couldn't handle it anymore and had to let her go. (Another guilt -- that I couldn't be who she wanted me to be.) But she always had me, and I always had her... until I didn't.

Hmmm... is this it? Am I punishing myself because I feel I threw my mother away when I couldn't care for her anymore? (Which really isn't totally true -- I didn't throw her away even though part of me feels I did... all that past, low self-esteem crap and such.) But I couldn't. I just couldn't. As much as I keep saying I want to be alone, is there a part of me that doesn't feel I deserve to be loved? Because I feel I wasn’t the daughter she wanted me to be?

I know, this isn't it exactly and there are other reasons I choose to be alone. It's not that I deserve to be alone. I really DO choose to be alone. 'Though it can be lonely. But I don't have time or energy to put into "being" with someone. I'm no longer willing to compromise, to give up part of myself to please someone else (which was how I always felt I had to be.) And, even saying this makes me feel guilty.

And, with some of this, I’m not just talking about Mum. I’m also talking about the guys I’d been in love with throughout my life and how I felt I could never be me around anyone. It felt I was always having to dance to someone else’s tune… but this is another story.

Life IS complicated! It's not all black and white. Nuances, circumstances, situations all play a part in life. I still miss my mum so much. Especially with it coming up on the anniversary of her passing, Christmas Day 2011.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and family and… but I choose to be alone. I can’t even fathom being with anyone. Ten years and I’m still broken.

 

Lacking the Giving Gene

 

A topic that’s always on my mind this time of year is what to do about Christmas gifts. It’s weird, but I’ve struggled with this my entire life. It’s not that I don’t want to give, it’s about knowing what to give. Most the time, the effort of going out to find what to give torments me and causes me heartache and guilt.

My mother never had this problem. She loved giving and would start buying gifts in January for the following year. Whenever she’d be out shopping and see something she just knew so and so would love, she’d buy it and put it away until Christmas. She always seemed to know what others would want.

I’m not like that. I don’t enjoy shopping… heck, I don’t even like shopping for myself! I am not a happy shopper at all! I am tormented by things like, if I spend this amount on this person, I have to do the same for the next. I don’t know why my brain gets so befuddled. I was like this when I was young, too.

These later years, I’ve toyed with not giving at all, then break down and send something. I like to get a couple gifts, too, but that’s not the reason to give. Every year this turmoil eats at me. If I buy you a $25 gift certificate and you buy me a $25 gift certificate, what’s the point?

I don’t understand it. It’s like there’s something deep inside me that’s been so hurt throughout my entire life that I am damaged forever. This ties into the love issue, too, and that’s a topic I don’t even know how to talk about. I’m hoping the words will come some day so I can figure it out.

Once again, family and I decided not to give to one another this year, yet the guilt within me builds. There are a few I HAVE to buy for because I can’t not give. But I don’t KNOW what to give/send them! Of course, I can come up with excuses, however, it doesn’t make me feel any better.