Listening to Elders

Now that I’m up there in my years and experiencing many of the issues older people deal with, I wish I had listened more to my Mum. I remember getting so exasperated with her when all (it seemed) she would talk about was her getting old problems. It got so all she’d talk about was this pain or that and either being constipated or having diarrhea… and how she was sure the doctors had a magic pill to make people better, but they just wouldn’t give them out.

(As my friend Nan always says, “The medical profession doesn’t make money off healthy people.”)

When I was younger, I saw my mother’s comments about her health as complaints. She wouldn’t take any advice. It seemed she just wanted to complain. And yes, some people are like that. I had another friend who used to call my mother and aunt “The Moan and Groan Sisters.”

And I think about all the comedians who have always made “old people” jokes. And yes, it was funny… because it is important to be able to laugh about some things in life. But, too, it’s also an opportunity to learn and understand. It helps to know these issues are things many of us deal with as we get older.

These days, now that I’m dealing with some of the same issues Mum used to complain about, I understand there is a need to talk about it. Not as complaining but as part of a life story. There are issues we all end up dealing with, such as: joint pain, dry skin, sagging, being unsteady on your feet, hearing and eyesight diminishing, being tired a lot, et. al., and it helps to talk about it, get it off your chest, so to speak. (Or, as I like to say, out of my head because I easily get caught up in a downward spiral when my mind keeps on and on about whatever is bothering me in the moment.)

Unfortunately, I heard in Mum’s voice the “woe is me” tone. Maybe that’s why I didn’t really listen. And maybe there was a part of me that wouldn’t accept that she was declining, so I didn’t want to listen. I didn’t want to face losing her. I wanted my mum to be healthy and active like she used to be… but that isn’t life.

Now I feel I’m getting the same way in some aspects. I don’t want to sound whiny, and it bothers me that I might. Perhaps that makes me wish even more that Mum was here to talk to. Is this what you experienced, Mum? Did you feel bad I refused to listen or let you talk about it?

I wish I had taken time not only to listen to Mum but to actually talk to her about what she was feeling… to have a conversation with more compassion and understanding. I feel guilty I hadn’t done so. Often, I look over to her photo and say, “I hear you, Mum. I understand now.”

My eyes fill with tears because I wish we had had these conversations when she was still her. I wish we could have these conversations now. I’d like to ask her more direct questions about what she was experiencing. Oh, there are a lot of things I wish I’d asked her about her life.

The lesson: Talk to people, especially your older family members – and even the younger. Find out what makes them tick. Really listen openly to what they’re saying without trying to push your beliefs on them. Let them tell their stories without your personal opinions getting in the way.

I try to do this more these days. I’m curious about people’s personal stories. There’s a difference between a “woe is me” vibe and someone just needing to talk it out. Sometimes, just having someone listen is enough to make you feel better.