Making my Own Path

  

Pretty color has seeped away, except the purple I see on my deck and the turquoise of the birdbath. There’s pale white-gray of sky, white of house and garage across the brook, dark green of hemlock, gray of tree trunks and rocks, and many shades of browns layered on the ground, in the brook and tucked into crevices.

Shapes, lines and contours stand out against the ground cover. The moss-covered “whale” rock is my favorite in the brook. I call it that because it reminds me of the whale once near the entrance to Salisbury Beach, Mass., and the one once at Yoken’s Restaurant in Portsmouth – except my rock is tailless.

Downed limbs lie in angles over other rocks, and the squiggly lines of exposed tree roots along the far banking get me into doing one of those “Find the___” games as my eyes keep looking to see what else I can notice.

I realize the need for conversation and discussion. For years now I’ve been OK with my solitude. I like being alone most of the time, however, lately I’ve been craving people interaction. And why so much now during these times of social distancing?

Perhaps it’s that – whatever it is within me – that has always made me not tread the exact same path as everyone else. I’ve always strived to do things my way – even in my artwork. And now, being told I have to follow certain protocols and all, I’m feeling rebellious. 

Oh, I understand. I know we have to be careful these days, but I’m so tired of having the pandemic (or plandemic, as I really believe) shoved down our throats constantly. It’s driving me crazy. I feel I want to punch the next person who mentions it.

But, again, I understand. People do need to be reminded to be careful, but how much of it is really necessary and how much of it is fearmongering to control the masses? I see multiple sides and reasonings, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be telling people what to do or not do.

So, back to my following my own paths which is kind of funny because there are certain things like games and law where I want to follow the rules to the letter. That said, there are times when bending the rules seems appropriate. What works for some, doesn’t always work well for others, but as a society, rules and guidelines are necessary.

Have I always had this rebel aspect in me? I did, only I never saw myself as a rebel because I wasn’t like other rebellious people. (Think James Dean of the ‘50s, the hippies of the ‘60s, etc. Not me.)

Here are a few things I remember as I child: Being told I had to color a horse white and I refused because I wanted my horse to have color. If I didn’t think something was fair, I wanted to change it. Back then, girls were supposed to like red for their favorite color, and boys, blue. I didn’t want to like red, so I chose blue as my favorite color. (Years later, I realized I liked yellow better … and purple.) I chose 13 for my favorite number mostly because it was supposed to be a bad luck number and I wanted to prove it wrong.

I didn’t want to play with dolls and I never cared for girl talk. I wanted to be out doing the fun stuff like the boys: climbing trees, exploring the woods, building huts, etc. (When I was an adult, I learned to love women’s gatherings.) I didn’t go ga-ga over Elvis or the Beatles because everyone else did. (I can’t see why people go crazy over any celebrity. Yes, there are many good ones, but for fans to carry on like they do … I just don’t get it. They’re just people doing a job they love and providing entertainment.)

As an adult, even though I fell under some women’s roles and such, I still found ways to carve my own path. It wasn’t always easy. I had few friends. Going against the norm didn’t invite others. There were years when I was miserable, feeling I was doing everything wrong in others’ eyes. But I couldn’t be like them, I just couldn’t. Something within me always drove me onto other paths. Yes, I made mistakes, but I also survived and did the best I could.

Today I am proud at how far I’ve come. I continue to live wholeheartedly as best I can. I have my set of rules I live by. They are not set in stone and I may stray off the path from time to time. Mostly, I push for honesty, integrity, being a good person, mindful of others, respecting others also trying to be good people. (I’ll admit I have no tolerance for those wanting a free ride through life, criminals, and those bent on destruction and hurting other people.)