Doing What I Need to Get By

I was shown something on Facebook yesterday I really liked. Someone spray painted their flower urns with glow-in-the-dark paint, and after letting them sit in the sun, the pots glowed at night. I want to try that! 

But then I wonder, with the turn of events these days, do I want to be frivolous? Especially with talk of this lasting for months. I don't want to live in fear. I'm not afraid of getting sick. What scares me are the repercussions and the changes this will do to all our lives. 

All we can do is just keep doing the best we can and find little ways to keep our spirits up. Things to make us smile (like the goose photos I got the other day -- she is so funny!)

It's just so weird. I've lived alone for many years and never felt lonely. Now, I'm feeling some loneliness. Which is funny because it's not like I went out with others much ... just the once a week breakfast with Nan and an occasional other lunch. I guess it's one of those things when you CAN'T do it (go out), you want to, ha-ha.

My emotions have been all over the place these past few weeks. One worry is, how much is truth and things we need to know, and how much is scaremongering and media blowing things out of proportion? How much do we need to hear/read day after day, hour after hour? This is what exacerbates the fear and promotes panic. The constant barrage of the horror going on makes people’s emotions escalate which leads to many other problems.

Some people can deal with it and get right in the thick of things, are able to help and get fully involved. And that’s good! We need people who can do that.

But not everyone can handle these situations. It’s important to recognize when to be involved, or even keep up with the latest info, etc., but it’s also important to know when to back off. If you find yourself getting too overwrought, it’s time to back off.

For me, the constant influx of news depresses me to no end and cripples my creativity. Emotionally, I can’t handle all the negativity. I can’t. It makes me just want to cry ... and there have been a couple of days when I’m in tears half the day. I know that about me and accept it. That doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on or that I’m not being careful!

 I'm trying to figure out what it is I am feeling. I feel I'm on the edge of a sharp precipice. I don't dare look down to either side; both are equally devastating/depressing and looking can cause me to stumble and fall. All I can do is slowly, painfully, put one foot in front of the other and inch my way across. I can't even see what's ahead. It’s all a blur. I have to watch my footing -- life will (probably) be forever changed and perhaps no one can fully tell how this will all turn out.

I so hope normal life will return, but is that possible after a situation like this? I don't know if we can ever recover to what we were before. And maybe we won't know until this is all over. Can we make future plans when we don't know what this country, this world, will be like in even a couple months?

Oh, we'll get over this obstacle, but how will life be different? Can we ever go back to normal (if there ever was a real normal) after something like this affects the world? History shows people before us went through horrific times (wars, plagues, natural disasters, et.al.) Many survived, some didn't, but life went on. We're resilient. We're strong. We find ways to get by.  But how will (and how has) major world events changed people’s way of life? How will our lives be changed?

And can we even think about it right now? Maybe right now is only about getting by and doing the best we can. Help one another when we can while still being careful.

For me to continue living wholeheartedly, I need to look at what I need get through this. Living wholeheartedly means not allowing myself to fall into a pit of despair and worry which I can too easily do if I listen to all the stuff being yammered at us through the news networks and social media. And, it does get depressing when you listen to it constantly. Maybe for now, it's all about taking one day at a time and doing and being the best I can.

It's kinda funny. I finally reached a point in my life where I like where I am; I like me. (Yes, of course, there’s always room to improve.) My goal this year was to be happy and have more fun doing my writing, art, and gardening. I never thought there’d be this big monkey wrench thrown into life.

I guess I will stick to my mandate of "Creating beauty for myself, creates beauty for others." Plus, creating beauty makes ME feel better! I’ll make the yard look pretty when weather gets a little better, and in the meantime, I’ll continue to paint, write, and post photos on FB.

Dealing with Art Fiascos

“Artist in Residence” has taken on a new meaning, although, I guess I could say I’m always an artist in residence as I work from home. Staying home and trying to avoid the scaremongering news, hours go by normally ... mostly. (Yes, there is a problem, but the hysteria and hoarding just cause things to be worse than what it needs to be.)

So, I do what I do, facing challenges in my work and overcoming them (or giving up on one for a while to do something else.)

This week has had two … well, do I call them both fiascos? Both were unusual and not something I normally encounter. Both entailed firsts for me. One on the type of paper and background, and the other, a still life with a cat and glasses. (Guess there’s a reason I stick to landscapes, ha-ha.)

The first disaster was when I finished my black-eyed Susan painting and took it outside to spray the final fixative (which holds the pastel on the paper). The painting immediately darkened, which it usually does until it dries. I put the painting back on the easel and when I returned to the studio the next morning, the painting was still horribly dark.

Oh noooo! This has never happened before. I started to freak, but there was also a numbness in my mind. I couldn’t even cry, which is what I usually do when stressed. Instead, my hand immediately grabbed a pastel and I started in on the fix. Over and over I picked up colors and layered here and touched-up there. I redefined lines, added more brightness; not sure if any of it would work over the top of a final fixative. Excess pastel dust fell like snow, but enough color remained to allow me to make a recovery.

My mind tried to reason why this happened. I use fixative at the end of every pastel painting. What was different this time? It was cold out when I took the painting outside to spray (the stuff smells horrible and not good to use in the house), but it’s been cold on other days. Did I not shake the can well enough? I thought I did.

Was it because I used a different paper than the BFK Rives print paper I use for its smooth texture? This time I used, for the first time, Art Spectrum Colourfix, which has a lightly sanded surface. Another first was an already colored paper in a dark green tone (which shouldn’t make a difference to a fixative.)

I still don’t have the answer. I called the painting done again and resigned it (because my signature had faded.) But now I don’t know if I dare spray it again to hold the pastel on. This will be a problem with framing because the framers need to move the painting around which causes any loose pastel to come off. The dust then gets on the mat around the painting making the mat look dirty.

The second fiasco was with my “Pele and the Wine Glasses” painting. The sketch to this was done using a Tracer which projected the photo image onto the paper. I didn’t trust myself to freehand my kitty or wine glasses.

Right off the bat, I found tracing didn’t allow the symmetry in glassware. My hand shook and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get the five glasses to look the same. May friend, Nan, sent me some info on drawing glassware.

I’ve been putting off that chore until I finished the black-eyed Susan painting. Yesterday, I was ready, but first I decided five wine glasses were too many. I needed to simplify the picture, so I erased two. Uh, oh, there’s a ghostly image of the glasses remaining.

I added pan pastels to the background … first the color I was using for the background, then some shadowing coloring hoping the added textural element would blend all together. Didn’t work. The ghostly glass image still showed, so I added layers of soft pastel. I rubbed. I wiped with both a smooth paper towel and a rough piece. Nothing seemed to work. I felt I was wasting pastel.

I walked away feeling crushed. What I’ve done of Pele so far, I like, so to have do over is heartbreaking. I’m going to have to, though, especially as there are still other glasses to erase in order to learn this new-to-me technique of making glasses symmetrical.

But it does look better with less glasses.

I’ll go on … and this morning in printing a new photo of Pele to work with. I made notes on it on how to make it a better painting.  I also found a photo of a bee and a spider on coneflowers which might be fun to do. I made

Sorting Out my Confusion

Leo on the Edge

Sitting here at the table, I look across the brook and notice the fat limb on the biggest tree over there has a huge crack. Uh oh, that’s going to come down soon. Thankfully it’s not over a building. When it falls, it’ll probably land in the brook.

My gaze shifts lower, distracted by two chipmunks chasing each other along the remaining ice shelf on the opposite banking. In some areas, the tips of long icicles hanging from the shelf are lapped by the rushing water while other areas of the ice shelf extend out above the brook creating lengths of dark, open space between ice and water. It’s intriguing. By afternoon, it’ll look very different.

The wind causes branches to sway and shadows dance on the deck. The movement catches my eye and I look to see if it’s some critter. Nope, fooled again. Time to stop gazing out the window and finish my work. I hope to get in the studio later.

But, right now, I need to make up my mind what to do next. Multiple muses vie for my attention calling me to do things I enjoy doing while my logical brain demands I take care of tedious jobs needing to be done. I’m feeling overwhelmed by it. And I can’t make up my mind which to do. That old want versus should.

Naturally, things pop up stealing my attention, and hours slip away. Next thing I know, it’s lunch time. Jeez, do I need to take time to eat? Too often I choose not. Then it gets way into the afternoon and closer to supper time. And, if I stop to eat now, I’ll lose my train of thought …

However, one thing stands out, for sure: I can’t share my full attention with the creative muses until I settle this other tedious job issue weighing on my brain.

The past two days, when not working my editing job, I made feeble attempts at going through my paper hard copy files. I used to be so meticulous with each categorized folder, in alphabetical order, ready for whatever receipts, pertinent to that folder and in numerical order by date … but that was years ago before I started working from home.

A home business meant more receipts and paperwork, and work/business-related papers needed to be separate from the personal items. It’s keeping two sets of files and two file boxes and a third, larger tote box for yearly files needing to be kept for seven years.

I got lazy, and instead of filing paperwork individually, I tossed receipts in a box until year’s end when I’d sort them, only to put them all in one (or two depending how much) manila folders with the year written on the outside. How much sense does that make?

So, this week, after two afternoons of frustration, I was at my wits’ end. Do I really need to be keeping all this paperwork? And if so, does it matter if it’s not categorized in alpha-numerical order? When was the last time I ever had to look through previous years’ papers?

I got up this morning thinking how much I can reduce the size of paperwork storage. However, even with this decision made, there’s still work to do and work means more time. I have to physically pare down the file box and dispose of paperwork properly. Then what’s left needs to be categorized as there are writings and manuals I want to keep.

The muses whispering in my head are not helping. I’d rather go play in the studio with them, especially as I just got some new pastels.

Going Out on a Limb with the Next Two Paintings

I’ve been indecisive of what to do next for a painting. Yes, I still have 20-004 on the easel, but I want to have next ones lined up. Do I do the next in the series of “The Hill” paintings I’m working on? Do I do a floral? Do I attempt the one of Pele and the wine glasses?

I can freehand the hill painting, but the floral and Pele, I need help with. I decided to tackle the floral first.

I went out on a limb to try something new. Nan had given me some Art Spectrum Colourfix sanded papers she didn’t want to use with her own paintings. My only other attempt at using something other than my favorite BFK Rives print paper was with Canson Mi-Tientes, of which I tried one painting with it and didn’t care for the texture.

Another first with the 9 x 12 Art Spectrum Colourfix was using a paper with an already colored background. In the logical part of my mind, I can’t see how a colored background will affect the painting as I layer on colors. But I decided to give it a try and chose dark green as I’m working with flowers.

I taped the paper to a drawing board, took measurements (with places taped it came out as 9 x 11 ¾.) I laid it flat on the counter and covered it with transfer paper. I positioned the 8 x 10 photo over the top and with a pen, traced the outlines of the flowers. (For the life of me, I can’t freehand draw flowers!)

I next put the board on a table-top easel and set up on the table. I discovered with the last two paintings, that it is easier for me to do all the sketching and most the value work sitting down with the board at more of an angle than I like when painting. I darkened the tracing lines which were very faint on the dark green background, then laid in value splotches. Not a bad start.

The next one to tackle was Pele and the Wine Glasses. I’d been trying to draw my beautiful kitty for years and just can’t capture her essence. I’m not a still life painter, but those wine glasses had me intrigued … and with her drinking out of one (it was water), I had to try. I hoped with the purchase of an Artograph Tracer, I’d be able to accomplish a decent initial drawing by tracing.

The original photo showed her drinking from the third of three upright colored wine glasses. There was a fourth lying on its side in front of her. While I am a realist painter, I’m not a photo realist and will take artistic license to move objects. Right off the bat, I decided not to do the glass lying on its side, and I wanted to move the three glasses over to the right so her face is to the middle glass … but I forgot, and as I was using vine charcoal to draw with, the lines were a little on the heavy side.

I did the initial tracing, then took the tabletop easel out to my regular table to sit while I worked on more drawing and to begin adding values. I figured I’d add a fourth wine glass to put her more in the middle and quickly drew one on her right.

Drat! What was I thinking? Four glasses won’t work. Next thought was to erase one of the glasses, but with the dark lines, I wasn’t sure if I could remove all traces. There was the added fact that the one I would erase was the one drawn the best. As a matter of fact, the one that looks the most poorly drawn is the one she’s got her face in. Go figure.

So, after not using the glass lying on its side, I decided to add one – facing the other direction. I free handed that one and it really doesn’t look any worse than the ones I traced. Oh, how I can laugh at myself even when frustrated!

So, now I had five wine glasses, a good uneven number … but my mind continued to reel. How did I trace three and not have them look the same? I went back to the studio to grab charcoal pencils and a couple different erasers and spent the next, what felt like hours, straightening and thinning lines, erasing lines that were off, using a ruler to make the glass stems straight … and still …

But you know what, I am not perfect, and my paintings don’t have to be perfect. And, just maybe, when I start adding color with pastels and all that, the painting may come together just fine.