A New Understanding about My Mum and Christmas

So much runs through my mind. We learn to really stand up on our own two feet when we don't have our mums to call on anymore. Well, we can still call on them, just not the same. There's a knowing that we WILL see them again someday ... just not in this physical realm.

Funny, I didn't think I was going to be emotional this year. Maybe I'm supposed to. Perhaps I will be for the rest of my life. I'm OK about it, really. It makes me stop to appreciate mothers and what mothers have meant for most of us.

Mothers’ Day is supposed to be about mothers, but it feels different. Maybe because this time of year we are closer to God. (Funny I can now say the word "God" without getting that Christian-belief cringe. I know how I see/feel God, and I can now say it even though it's the same word.)

Christmas, no matter how you see God, is not just about all the hype and Jesus' birth. For me, there's a much deeper, personal meaning; something I will never get over, and yet continue to learn from. My mother loved Christmas! Maybe that's why Christmas means (and hurts) so much, and why I continue to spend it alone.

Suddenly, I realize Christmas was more about my mother than anything. My mother WAS Christmas for me, for us, growing up ... Wow, I don't know that I ever realized it that way before.

My mother was so into Christmas! She'd start buying presents in July. I remember the joy on her face ... oh, so and so would just love that! Giving gifts was a true enjoyment and love for her. The smiles on her face on Christmas Day ... 

Oh, yeah, I'm sitting here sobbing, but it's OK. I love gaining these insights and understandings. I love my mother, will always love her. I don't have to hide it and I don't have to be ashamed that I cry over it.

Christmas the last few years of her life were just her and I. No one visited. We’d stopped buying presents. Christmas was the two of us … and then, she passed away on a Christmas Day.

I am learning to love Christmas in a different way. Somehow, the memories bring me closer to mum. Every time I put up a light, I think how she'd love seeing that. I know she is here with me.

Love you, Mum, forever and ever.