Today my heart mourns the loss of a friend. My heart
struggles with the loss, almost to the point where I can’t take it. He was one
of the nicest, kindest men I know.
My mind and heart are numb. I just want to sit, stare at a
wall, and cry. But I do my laundry, read and send email, and pat the kitties. I
think about projects needing to be done, and life, my life, goes on.
It’s funny because I can almost always talk about a myriad
of emotional subjects, even death, but when someone close passes, I’m at a loss
for words. My brain and heart empties and I am nothing in these moments. Maybe
it’s my way of dealing with grief – by not being able to feel, although tears
fall. After all, what can you say that hasn’t been said and that others are
already saying.
I think about other losses: my mum – mum who was my rock – my
aunt, my dad, others. I think about my own eventual passing. The loss, the
emptiness, being alone – it all weighs heavy in this moment. I wonder who else
will go before me.
Perhaps I’ll go out this week and purchase a new flower and plant
it in his name.
