Loss of a Friend

Today my heart mourns the loss of a friend. My heart struggles with the loss, almost to the point where I can’t take it. He was one of the nicest, kindest men I know.

My mind and heart are numb. I just want to sit, stare at a wall, and cry. But I do my laundry, read and send email, and pat the kitties. I think about projects needing to be done, and life, my life, goes on.

It’s funny because I can almost always talk about a myriad of emotional subjects, even death, but when someone close passes, I’m at a loss for words. My brain and heart empties and I am nothing in these moments. Maybe it’s my way of dealing with grief – by not being able to feel, although tears fall. After all, what can you say that hasn’t been said and that others are already saying.

I think about other losses: my mum – mum who was my rock – my aunt, my dad, others. I think about my own eventual passing. The loss, the emptiness, being alone – it all weighs heavy in this moment. I wonder who else will go before me.

Perhaps I’ll go out this week and purchase a new flower and plant it in his name.